As a single dad, the biggest challenges I faced were overcoming my self-doubts and healing my inner child

The moment I held my son in my arms for the first time was life changing. He was in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit), as he was a preterm baby. I took him in my arms and said to him that while I could not promise a perfect life for him or safeguard him from all the hardships of life, I promised to be there for him through all the challenges, to love him and guide him always as his father.

How it all started

I went through marital separation when my son was just one year old. While my estranged wife and I were going through a lot mentally and emotionally back then, she chose to live in another city for her higher education and work while I decided to take care of my son, Adhrrit.

Initially, the most difficult thing for me was handling my self-doubts as a parent: Was I doing the best for my son? Will he miss out on important things because of our decision?

Despite several warnings, I started by handling my infant on my own. Soon, it developed into a strong bond of love and care between us. Staying together thereafter wasn’t a choice but the only way we knew to live.

Power of love and my mother’s support

Of course, there were a lot of naysayers when I decided to raise my son alone. Doubts were raised by near and dear ones about a man’s ability to handle an infant. But with all the love in my heart for my son, I was determined to raise him on my own.

I grew up seeing my mother working extremely hard, showering me with utmost care despite all odds. So, I too believed in the immense power of love to guide me in my parenting journey.

The first few weeks were tough. But with my mother’s support, I chose to go against the tide. Unfortunately, I lost her in 2021 to brain tumour, but her dedication and belief in positivity continue to guide me in my parenting journey.

Relationship with the other parent

I believe mutual respect and a positive outlook are necessary between estranged parents while co-parenting. In our case, we decided to break contact with each other and lead our individual lives. However, regardless of our differences, her name is addressed with utmost respect at our home. Adhrrit has complete freedom to get in touch with her whenever he feels like. I believe that bonds should be based on love and faith and not on possession and fear. Also, developing hatred or a feeling of distrust about the other parent is completely unhealthy for the child’s emotional and mental well-being and should be avoided in families going through a separation.

Moments I cherish in my parenting journey

When my son was 3 years old, he expressed his desire to have dedicated personal time with me, and so we started a daily ritual called “Cheeki Time.” A few of the fondest memories we share are from this time spent together.

My son is 8 years old now, but even today, at the dinner table, he waits for me to feed him the first bite. On weekends, he insists that we brush our teeth together. Recently, my son got interested in helping me cook, wanting to be called the sous-chef at home!

These gestures and beautiful demands are part of our daily life, and the mutual gratitude has helped us bond deeply over the years. The joy of being a parent is not just about grand defining moments, but also about many small moments shared throughout. My parenting journey has been a blessing that way.

All the roles I play

In our society, a mother’s role in parenting is celebrated more than that of a father. In our culture, we say Matha Pitha—Maa always comes before the father. Right from the day a child is conceived, the beautiful way in which a mother leads her life, nurturing her child and caring for the entire home, is amazing. I have no doubt that women are an inspiration to men and are rightfully celebrated.

As a single father, the most recurrent difficulty I face is reminding people in my circle about the tasks I must do at home, while also handling my professional and social commitments. Due to societal conditioning, at times they don’t acknowledge my challenges. The additional challenge of living all these roles sometimes takes a toll on my health.

The biggest challenge has been to strike a balance between spending time with my son, my career, my growth and fulfillment. I have faced some rough moments in the past. One of the toughest times was when my mother was admitted in the ICU, and I had a sudden vertigo attack. I crashed in my kitchen and had to be shifted to a hospital immediately. While the doctors were busy checking my vitals to diagnose the cause, I was busy contemplating how it might have affected my 5-year-old son to see his pillar of strength lying on a stretcher, and how he would spend the night without me. All I wanted was to be discharged and get home to him.

In the absence of the doctors, I tried to get up from the bed thrice and fell down all three times only to realize that I was not able to stand. The helplessness I faced at that moment was tough to handle, but once I was back home, I promised myself to prepare my son to be smarter, stronger and confident to handle any situation alone. I am proud to see him grow from a 3-year-old child with separation anxiety to a happy and confident boy.

Learnings as a life coach and a father

My inquisitive temperament motivated me to befriend books and helped me dwell into modern subjects like psychology and quantum physics and ancient subjects like Ayurveda, yogic life, astrology and numerology. Having undergone and survived so many life experiences, and now blessed with love and growth, I feel I am duty bound to pass on the hope and inspiration.

As a life coach and motivational speaker, I help people understand themselves better using all these perspectives, which in turn help them find healing and direction in life. I believe most of us are struggling in life with the aftereffects of trauma we endured in the past and the lack of understanding that we needed from others and ourselves. With this hybrid approach, I address all major issues like self-awareness, childhood and relationship traumas, depression, physical health, parenting challenges, societal values, environmental issues, and animal rights.

Life as an IAF officer

I am blessed and proud to be a part of a prestigious organization like the Indian Air Force (IAF). Favorable organizational policies and the compassionate and accommodative outlook of senior commanders are instrumental in my success in facing the odds at home and in the sky as well.

My parenting style

I am an authoritative parent, but also authoritarian and permissive. I feel as conscious parents in day-to-day life, we can forgive ourselves when we make mistakes. This not only allows us to act a little human, but also sets the right example to kids as to how they don’t have to be perfect all the time.

I think harsh discipline doesn’t work. What works is setting the right example—parents showcasing self-discipline, for example. Parents need to communicate with their kids as much as possible. Kids need to understand why parents ask them to do certain things and why certain things are not allowed.

I make it a point to take lessons from my own childhood—the struggles I had when adults didn’t quite understand me. Now, I try my best to understand my son’s needs. At the same time, I also forgive myself when I can’t be the perfect parent. I correct my mistakes with time. I think being empathetic to your kids and to yourself is the secret to being a stress-free parent.

I encourage my son to learn about various festivals and introduce him to the traditions around them. We love celebrating festivals in the right spirit—the focus is not on grandeur, but in understanding what the festivals signify, and the values they represent. We also don’t follow any tradition as a strict rule. I help my son understand that while our cultural principles need to be kept in mind, it’s alright to bend the rules a little.

Building a happy family

Building a happy family is like cooking a meal—there is no specific ingredient that is enough to make a tasty meal. All the ingredients are in the right proportion and are added at the right time. I think spending time with your children might be the most important practice. It’s not just about giving them the resources to explore and learn; it’s also the little moments you spend together cuddling, eating, reading, playing, or even sitting in silence.

A parent plays a very important role in shaping their child’s future. A child’s dreams, aspirations, aversions are formed based on what they take away from their parents. The understanding and bonding between parent and child can even help us undo the negative experiences we had as children and become conscious parents who can raise a better generation.

Raising kids in the digital era

I think as parents raising kids in the digital era, we need to help them connect with the real world, and to themselves. We need to show them the importance of playing with friends, spending time outdoors, praying, meditating, doing activities together.

I think completely cutting them off from devices in this digital age is not possible. There are two things to keep in mind—keeping a time limit on screen time and managing the content they have access to. Children are naturally curious, and they turn to screens to explore. When parents spend time with them, resolving their queries, it strengthens the bond between them and lessens children’s screen time.

(As told to Monali Bordoloi)