Celebrity Chef Ranveer Brar On Parenting, Breaking Gender Stereotypes, And Creating Cherished Memories Through Food

Despite being a celebrity chef couple, this family doesn’t spend time together cooking. Instead, Ranveer Brar, his wife Pallavi and son Ishaan like to spend time reading books together—mythological tales such as the Panchatantra.

“Reading is something we often do as a family. It is a thing from my childhood I want my son to experience, because storytelling is an important and timeless way to teach little ones many life lessons. Reading and discussing the values and morals from these fables are great ways to educate our children,” says Ranveer, who has hosted several TV shows, judged many seasons of MasterChef India, is among the top 10 chefs of the country, has authored two hugely popular cookbooks, been awarded the best TV chef at the Indian Telly Awards, 2015, and yet avers he’s a novice when it comes to parenting.

But reading aside, not everything is the same as it was when Ranveer was a kid. Father to a preteen now, Ranveer says the differences in the way his parents brought him up and how he and his wife are parenting their son are quite evident. But this family wants to bridge the generation gap by bringing in the past and present so that Ishaan can have a fabulous childhood. And how are they doing it? Let’s hear it from Ranveer.

You are a father to a preteen now. So, what goes into parenting Ishaan?
I think a lot of it is “unlearning.” When kids go out and play with friends, they tend to form opinions. One day, Ishaan came back and said, “No, I don’t want to wear that T-shirt, as it is too girly,” the other day, it was, “I will not do that chore, as girls are meant to do it.”

When such things happen, we have to make him unlearn those concepts and convince him that these things don’t matter in the bigger scheme of things. So, we need to spend a lot of time making him unlearn what he picks up outside the home. That becomes a big part of parenting, ensuring that the environment at home is free from gender stereotyping. I firmly believe it is important to cultivate this culture at home.

Also, what I speak to him and how I speak about it matter a lot. When it comes to kids of my son’s age, it is more about doing than speaking. The moment we start preaching, kids disconnect, so it is very important to do and show. Pallavi and I believe that if we can keep our relationship even, and role-model behaviors—like respecting the elders in the family, talking nicely to those who work for us, and being conscious about everything we do—our son will automatically pick out the best.

What are the difficult conversations you have with your son these days?
Well, we try to initiate short conversations around challenging subjects such as abuse, sex, safe and unsafe touch, relationships with the opposite sex, etc., using everyday references. Pallavi and I explain to him why certain things are okay while others are not—we have discussed “safe touch-unsafe touch” and other such subjects. I try to keep such conversations simple, practical and example-led.

Do you talk to your son about consent and body boundaries?
Of course, we talk about consent and body boundaries, in a subtle way, as part of day-to-day conversations. I told him that boys don’t necessarily have to like girls and that it is okay for boys to take pride in their boyfriends as much as their girlfriends. We explain to him how love is love—the way his grandmother loves him, we love him or his future girlfriend would love him, these are all extensions of love. I started having these conversations with Ishaan when he was 6–7 years old. I feel we need to hand over the true meaning of love to the next generation to process its true depth.

The conversations your dad had with you—how different or similar are your conversations with Ishaan?
Conversations have changed completely over the years. You can’t tell your kids it is like this because I say so. Those conversations are not possible in today’s world. The sooner you understand the better. We accepted that kind of absolute, unquestioned authority when we were young. Today’s kids won’t—so those conversations have to be leveled out with the new-age kids. And that’s how it is with Ishaan too.

Does this mean your relationship with your father is different from what you have with your son?
My dad’s generation and the times we grew up in were different. Times have changed, and I would like to believe that level of gender stereotyping or misogyny that I grew up with does not exist now.

So, what was your relationship with your father like?
Like for many kids of that era, my relationship with my father for the most part of my life was very haanji, Papaji (yes Dad, okay Dad) type. It was like, “Do what he’s asking you to do and do not question.” We never questioned what we were told—that would have been considered “talking back.”

However, with Ishaan, it is different. I keep telling him, “If you don’t question something you don’t like or understand, there is something wrong.” I tell him that he needs to question himself or the person politely, and respectfully. Now, my son asks all kinds of questions, whereas I still assume that if the elders are saying something, it must be right! That is a big difference between my growing up and his.

Some time ago, you shared a post about your inability to express your love for your parents in words. Were you not encouraged to express tender emotions because you were a boy?
There are two reasons. Firstly, yes, boys are not encouraged to express tender emotions, because we mostly associate such emotions with girls. We expect boys to be stronger, and not show emotions like how girls supposedly do. Secondly, I grew up in a joint family where love was more understood than expressed. In most families in earlier times, love for each other was mostly taken for granted. But it is important to express your fondness for your near and dear ones. It makes a huge difference.

Do you say “I love you” to your son?
Yes, absolutely, every day. We ensure that he knows how much he is loved and cared for by everyone around him, including his grandparents, his mom and me.

And does he express his emotions better?
Today’s generation is not afraid of expressing themselves. They believe in being out there and expressing themselves. I call them the “reels generation.” As parents, we just need to ensure that we do not reprimand our children for expressing themselves unabashedly at home. They should not have the fear of facing any unpleasant consequence of having spoken their mind. Love and fear can’t live together, so we need to always assure them of our unconditional love, even when we do not like what they say.

That’s true. So, according to you, what is the most important ingredient for positive parenting? 

I think not forcing your opinions on your kids. There are many things that you believe are right, as those were told to you when you were growing up—but they may not be the context for conversations with today’s kids. For example, when we were young, we were made to write just to improve our handwriting—it was imperative that we write well. But now, though I won’t say having a good handwriting is not an advantage, it is an irrelevant conversation to have with your child, because by the time this generation grows up, they probably won’t need to write much. Even their signatures would most probably become digitized!

Yes, the way technology is advancing it might be the case. But let’s go back to you for a moment—how did you get interested in cooking?
As a child, I would often visit a gurdwara with my grandfather. So, for most of my growing up years in Lucknow, I watched on as they prepared the community food (langar). My first brush with cooking happened there. Later on, the food culture of Lucknow inspired me to take up cooking. For me, from the beginning, it was important to understand why I wanted to pursue it. I realized early on that it made sense to follow my passion for food. Once I believed that was my future, it was easy to convince others, including my parents. Of course, even back then, professional cooking was mostly done by men. But still, I had to convince my parents to allow me to choose this unconventional career option. But I was determined to follow my heart and that shone through and reached out to them, I guess.

Who supported you the most in your choice of career—your mom or dad?
My mom—she supported me the most. Initially, when I expressed my desire to pursue cooking, there were numerous questions: Was it viable as a career? Would I make enough money by just cooking? What would I do apart from cooking?

But I had answers to all that.

Have you regretted this decision?
Never. The ability to bring people together through food is important to me. I enjoy cooking langar in gurdwaras. Cooking in the kitchen at the Golden Temple is one of my most cherished experiences. Last year, I trained the inmates of the model jails of Uttar Pradesh to cook—this gave me a sense of immense satisfaction. As part of the initiative, I cooked with them, trained them and helped them upskill.

Do you cook with your son?
Not exactly, so far he is not showing any interest in cooking. Of late, he’s been trying his hand at making a perfect roti, though! But that’s about it.

When is the perfect time to introduce cooking to children?
When your children are around 5, you can introduce them to the basics of cooking.

Do you think food can bring families together? 

Yes, of course. Most of our childhood memories are made of eating together at the family table. Eating together will always be a family thing for me.

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