Parenting

How To Stop Siblings From Fighting: Peace-Making Strategies Every Parent Should Know

Answered by Team ParentCircle

Sibling fights are a common part of growing up. We look at how you can mediate and bring about peace.

"I'm trying to study here and he's playing loud music!"

"Look, she scribbled all over my notebook!"

"Mom, my sketch pens are missing. I know who the culprit is."

Endless fights among children sometimes lead to a mighty wrestling match! It's hard to listen to this bickering day in and day out. But here's some consolation. You are not alone. Let's hear from other exasperated parents and then turn to Arundhati Swamy, Head of Parent Engagement Programs at ParentCircle, to learn how you can handle these situations with minimum stress and disappointment for everyone involved.

We get it. Sibling fights can sometimes get big and physical. It can leave everyone in the house grumpy and hurt, and that's not a nice feeling. Here's what Arundhati has to say.

Ruchi, being a referee to endless squabbles over petty things, can be annoying and tiring. To top it all, you get blamed for taking sides! But despite the chaos, you can learn to manage your children's behavior.

First, please attend to your feelings of exhaustion. Even if it's only for a few minutes, set aside some time every day to recharge your batteries. A rested, calmer mind is less reactive and better ready to deal with stressful situations. Also, it would help to let go of some of the routine but less important tasks.

You said you often support your son because he's the younger one. It seems to be a common belief among parents that older children ought to give in to their younger siblings, well, just because they're older! So, how do older children feel about this? "Not fair!" It just makes them feel less loved when parents favor their younger ones. Unable to vent their anger on their parents, they seize the slightest chance to get even with their siblings. Thus, more quarrels ensue.

Ruchi, expecting your daughter to give in to her brother, empowers him to gain an upper hand over his sister, as he knows perfectly well that he has your support. He'll use this false sense of confidence to manipulate situations, get his way, escape responsibility, or get his sister into trouble. Instead, this is a crucial age when he must learn to get along with people, take correction gracefully, and feel responsible for himself. Without these life skills, your misguided support may turn your son into an entitled, demanding, and aggressive individual.

Mohit, how you must long for those blissful moments when your children are at peace with each other! But alas, those precious moments are all too often shattered when you must intervene to break up a fight between them. By this time, even you are angry and frustrated. Now there are three angry people in the arena, each trying to have their say. The children are blaming each other, and you're yelling at them. Caught in this melee, you arbitrarily settle the issue, leaving the children filled with hurt because each one believes you've been unfair. Quiet is restored but short-lived, for those suppressed emotions from the last fight are again easily triggered by the smallest of provocations. And the whole cycle repeats itself. Here are a few tips to break this chain of events:

1. Give each child regular special time with you so that they don't have to compete for your attention.
2. Take a walk or cook a meal with both of your children. Creating lots of happy memories will keep them in a positive mood most of the time.
3. Let your children pair up as a team against you and other family members while playing games. They will learn to cooperate and support each other during the games, and after.
4. Spend fun moments with your children, playing games that bring out laughter.
5. Accept each child's individuality. Comparisons only fuel jealousy among siblings.
6. Model the values you want to see in your child, such as sharing, respecting preset rules about taking turns to use common utilities, asking before using someone else's things, respecting others' choices, apologizing for mistakes, and above all, kindness.

Give each child regular special time with you so that they don't compete for your attention.

Lasya, it's true that occasional sibling quarrels are an unavoidable part of growing up. Some of these quarrels become stories grown-ups recall with much amusement. So, despite the quarrels, what can you do to ensure that love and warmth abound in the sibling relationship through the growing years?

When children fight, they're seeking your attention to help meet a primal need for survival and safety. You're on the right track when you ask them to empathize with each other's feelings. But they will first need your empathy one-on-one to help them settle lingering hurt or anger from a quarrel.

Here are a few tips on how you can help your children resolve a fight:

1. Take a few moments to calm down before stepping in.
2. Describe what you see as the object of the quarrel, who is crying, and who is in pain.
3. Attend first to the physical hurt that requires immediate attention. Then attend to the child who caused the hurt.
4. Give each child a fair hearing to feel they're receiving equal attention. Seeing you as an impartial parent will ward off feelings of jealousy and hatred toward their sibling. Listen to each one's story without making comments or passing judgment.
5. While you give each child a chance to tell their story, ensure that the other do not interrupt.
6. Empathize with each child's feelings. Say, "I can see that you're upset and that your brother is crying."
7. Ask each child to say what the other must be feeling. This way, they'll learn to understand another person's point of view. Also, ask what they can do to help the other.
8. Help your children learn to talk about their feelings. This can prevent them from resorting to harsh language and physical fights. Teach them to express their feelings. For example, "I don't like it when you tease me. It makes me feel sad."
9. Encourage your children to find solutions. For instance, you can say, "How do you think you can sort this out without fighting with each other?"
10. Support them through the fear they are feeling in the moment. This will motivate them to offer a genuine apology. A forced apology or punishment only makes the child feel more scared and upset.

Dear parents, we hope we have helped you understand the why and how of building healthy sibling relationships. May all your children remain buddies now and forever!

Help your kids build stronger bonds and create lasting memories. Dive into our expert guide on sibling bonding now!

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