Parenting

When Kids Want To Do The Things Their Friends Do And How Parents Can Respond

Answered by Team ParentCircle

My friend’s two kids (aged 9 and 7) are pretty close to my 7-year-old daughter. It’s great to see them bond. However, my friend and I have very different parenting styles, and it’s alright with us. But the problem is that there are a few things her kids are allowed that I don’t allow my child to do, as I think my daughter is too young for such things. Naturally, my daughter gets upset when she feels she is denied something that is okay for her friends. She is quite young to understand that everybody is different, with different thoughts and beliefs. How do I handle this correctly? 

– Geetha, Mumbai

Why children compare family rules with their friends'

Geetha, quite a plight to be in, isn’t it? Many parents find themselves in this situation. After all, we mean well for them. But no, there must be the tussle, the whining, the endless questions. And to assert our control, we end up saying, “Because I say so.” Which parent hasn’t been through this time and again?

Understanding your 7-year-old's thinking

Geetha, let’s start with your belief that your child is not quite old enough to understand differences in people and their lifestyles. Here are some facts of child development that will give you a broader understanding of your child’s abilities.

• At around seven years of age, friendships become increasingly important.
• Children begin to seek independence, imitate their peers, and question the limits set by adults.
• Among humans, imitation is one of the most powerful ways of learning, and young children excel at it.
• Their impressionable minds and unstoppable energies push them to explore and experience new things together, making it hard for them to accept the limits we set.
• Their simple logic says, "If my friend can do it, why can’t I?"

But it’s not that simple in the adult world. Here’s why:

Help your child understand differences

No two families are ever the same because each has its own set of expectations, rules, values, and limits that define its unique social culture. Some of these intergenerational social norms are put to the test when we try to keep up with modern social life. But young children don’t understand these complex social processes. All they want is to do things their friends are doing.

In my work with families, I often found that children do not resist limits just to be difficult. More often, they are trying to understand fairness, independence, and how their family fits into the wider world. When parents respond with explanations, empathy, and consistency, children gradually learn to accept differences without feeling rejected.

Expand your child's point of view

Your child is now entering a new stage in which she will become aware and more accepting of others’ views. This is a significant step toward learning to solve problems and thinking about various outcomes.

Now, let’s see how you could take advantage of these facts. Consider building the problem-solving skills that will help her navigate a wide range of social situations.

Talk about differences

• Pick routine real-life situations and take turns to share what you think about them. For example, you can stand at a window at different angles and describe what you see. Do not take it to the level of discussion or debate. Remember, the focus must be on helping your child see that there can be different points of view.
• Ask your child what she thinks about homework. Then ask her to think about what her teacher thinks about homework. Similarly, improvise situations and have her explore different views on them.

So, Geetha, how could you help your 7-year-old understand and accept the limits you set for her?

Help your child think ahead

• Take a few random objects and ask your child what might happen if you threw them down with force. She will try to predict the various outcomes of your actions.
• Ask her some simple “what if” questions and let her predict the possible outcomes. You could play it regularly as a game.

The benefits of doing these activities are twofold: building your child’s thinking skills and building your relationship every time you spend time together.

Set limits with empathy and consistency

Self-reflection

• Begin with self-reflection. Go back to your childhood and examine the influence your parents have had on you. Recall family norms and practices.
• Reflecting on these aspects of your childhood will give you clarity about the social norms you’re establishing for your family.
• Are they coming from fears that cause you to be overprotective of your child?
• Or did those norms make you feel safe and secure?
• Which social norms did you resent or embrace willingly?

Communicating limits

• Next, reflect on the limits you have set for your child now, and how you have communicated them.
• Are you rigid about the limits, with no room for discussion and explanation?
• Are you overly flexible, allowing your child to push through limits?
• Are you giving your child mixed messages by being sometimes rigid and sometimes flexible?

Sharing your own childhood experiences

• Set firm limits and communicate them clearly.
• Try to answer your child’s questions with simple examples and use words she understands.
• Relate her questions to the earlier discussions you’ve had about differences in families.
• We’ve all had experiences of challenging the limits set by our parents, so we know how it feels. And that’s exactly how your child is feeling right now.
• To show empathy, share some of your stories, and be frank about how you resented some of the social limits set for you.
• Focus on the feelings to let your child know you understand why she’s upset.

Offering alternatives

• Offer suitable alternatives when you have to say no to something your child asks for. It makes it easier for her to deal with the disappointment.
• Say no to things that really matter to your family.
• Let go of the rest so that your child doesn’t have to hear you say no to almost everything.
• Otherwise, she would be tempted to hide what she does from her friends.

Choosing your battles

• Show your child how to be assertive.
• Give her the right language to express herself to her friends: “No, my mom says I can’t do it, and I trust her, so let’s do something else.”
• Her trust and belief in you are already being nurtured as you spend time listening to her requests, understanding her viewpoint, and explaining your own.

Model the values you want to teach

Family values and fairness

Family rules and agreements have a clear purpose: to establish expectations and set the limits for social behavior.

• Children learn from you how to behave, regulate themselves, and make choices. So, as you practice your family values at home, make it visible to your child.
• What behaviors are you modeling for your child when it comes to following the family rules and agreements?
• What do you think she’s seeing and learning from you?
• The most important point to remember is that children will imbibe family values only when situations are handled with understanding, explanations, and patience. Punishments (scolding, yelling, threats, lectures) only push a child to hide their mistakes.

Following your own rules

• Do you sometimes break the rules because it’s convenient?
• Or do you have a different set of rules for yourself?
• Children believe this to be an unfair practice. It makes them resentful and uncooperative.

Revisit family norms as your child grows

Test your comfort levels

• You may want to let go of a few social norms you grew up with because times have changed. But don’t do so until you’ve become comfortable with them. A trial-and-error approach could confuse you and your child.

Make gradual changes

• Take small steps, evaluate your experiences, and progress gradually. And remember to stand united as parents. Young children thrive when they gain a sense of security from consistent, respectful, and firm limits.

When to seek professional help

If disagreements about family rules regularly lead to confrontation, aggression, or a breakdown in family relationships, consider getting professional help. Professional guidance can help parents understand whether deeper emotional concerns or developmental challenges may be contributing to the behaviour.

Helping children accept differences with confidence

As children grow, their ability to reason, understand different perspectives, and make decisions also grows. Rather than assuming they are too young to understand, parents can gradually involve them in conversations about family values and expectations.

Geetha, trust that your daughter is capable of learning an important life lesson—that different families have different rules, and that love and limits can coexist. With empathy, consistency, and open conversations, you can help her feel secure in the values your family upholds. All the best!

Also Read:

Values Begin At Home

Activities To Teach Important Values To Your Child

This article was featured in the June 28, 2026, edition of The Free Press Journal

Last updated on: June 09, 2026

This answer is helpful for 1 parents

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