Parenting

When Kids Want To Do The Things Their Friends Do

Answered by Team ParentCircle

My friend’s two kids (9 and 7 years old) are pretty close to my 7-year-old daughter. It’s great to see them bond. However, my friend and I have very different parenting styles, and it’s alright with us. But the problem is that there are a few things her kids are allowed that I don’t allow my child to do, as I think my daughter is too young for such things. Naturally, my daughter gets upset when she feels she is denied something that is okay for her friends. She is quite young to understand that everybody is different, with different thoughts and beliefs. How do I handle this correctly? 

– Geetha, Mumbai

Geetha, quite a plight to be in, isn’t it? It makes us wonder why kids can’t accept a no from us without the fuss! After all, we mean well for them. But no, there must be the tussle, the whining, the endless questions. And to assert our control in the situation we often end up saying, “Because I say so.” Which parent hasn’t been through this time and again?

Among humans, imitation is one of the most powerful ways of learning, and young children excel at it. They also love to imitate their friends. In the world of 7-year-olds, friends begin to mean a lot. Their impressionable minds and unstoppable energies push them to explore and experience new things together. It’s hard for them to accept the limits we set for them. They’re becoming independent thinkers and assertive of their choices. Their simple logic says that if my friend can do it, why can’t I! But it’s not that simple in the adult world. Here’s why.

No two families are ever the same because each has its own set of expectations, rules, values and limits that define its unique social culture. Some of these intergenerational social norms are put to the test when we try to keep up with modern social life. But young children don’t understand these complex social processes. All they want is to do things their friends are doing.

So, Geetha, how could you help your 7-year-old understand and accept the limits you set for her?

Let’s start with your belief that she is not quite old enough to understand differences in people and their lifestyles. Here are some facts of child development that will give you a broader understanding of your child’s abilities. At age 7, your child is beginning to transit from a stage where she was more concerned about her own viewpoints. Maybe it explains why she doesn’t seem to understand or care about what you say! She is now entering a new stage where she will become aware and accepting of others’ views. This is a significant step toward learning to solve problems and thinking about various outcomes.

Now, let’s see how you could take advantage of these facts. You could think about building her problem-solving skills that will help her navigate all sorts of social situations.

Expand your child’s points of view

• Pick routine real-life situations and take turns to share what you think about them. For example, both of you can stand at a window at different angles and describe what you see. Do not take it to the level of discussion or debate. Remember, the focus must be on helping your child see there can be different points of view.
• Ask your child what she thinks about homework. Then ask her to think about what her teacher thinks about homework. Similarly, improvise situations and have her explore different views of them.

Help your child think ahead

• Take a few random objects and ask your child what might happen if you threw them down with force. She will try to predict the various outcomes of your actions.
• Ask her some simple “what if” questions and let her predict the possible outcomes. You could play it as a game regularly.

The benefits of doing these activities are twofold—building your child’s thinking skills and building your relationship every time you spend time together.

Talk about differences

• Children get curious about all the visible differences around them. We may not recognize it as a thinking skill, but they’re already making connections between cause and effect, sorting and categorizing things in their minds. Play a game of same and different—ask your child to point out the differences between two objects, then move on to objects that are similar yet different, and finally to similarities and differences among people. You could use a bouquet of flowers as a metaphor to help your child appreciate diversity. Discuss what’s similar and different among your extended families.

The benefit of these conversations is that your child will begin to appreciate and accept the differences among families and will also learn to feel proud of her unique family. Besides, you would be creating a context for your child to understand family rules and limits.

Set the limits

• Begin with self-reflection—go back to your childhood and examine the influence your parents have had on you. Recall the family norms and practices. Reflecting on these aspects of your childhood will give you clarity about the social norms you’re establishing for your family. Are they coming from fears that cause you to be overprotective of your child? Or did those norms make you feel safe and secure? Which social norms did you resent or embrace willingly?
• Next, reflect on the limits you have set for your child up until now—how have you communicated them to your child? Are you rigid about the limits, with no room for discussion and explanation? Or are you overly flexible, giving your child the leeway to push through them. Or are you giving your child mixed messages by being sometimes rigid and sometimes flexible?
• Set firm limits and communicate them clearly. Try to answer your child’s questions with simple examples and use words she understands. Relate her questions to the earlier discussions you’ve had about differences in families. We’ve all had experiences of challenging the limits set by our parents, so we know how it feels. And that’s exactly how your child is feeling right now. To show empathy, share some of your stories and be frank about how you resented some of the social limits set for you. Focus on the feelings to let your child know you understand why she’s upset.
• Offer suitable alternatives when you’ve to say no to something your child asks for. It makes it easier for her to deal with the disappointment. And say no to things that really matter to your family. Let go of the rest so that your child doesn’t have to hear you say no to almost everything. Else, she would be tempted to hide what she does with her friends.
• Show your child how to be assertive. Give her the right language to express herself to her friends, “No, my mom says I can’t do it and I trust her, so let’s do something else.” Her trust and belief in you are already being nurtured as you spend time listening to her requests, understanding her viewpoint and explaining your own.

Model your family values

• Children learn from you how to behave, regulate themselves and make choices. So, as you practice your family values at home, make it visible to your child. The most important point to remember is that children will imbibe family values only when situations are handled with understanding, explanations and patience. Punishments (scolding, yelling, threats, lectures) only push a child to hide their mistakes.
• Family rules and agreements have a clear purpose—to establish expectations and set the limits for social behavior. Geetha, what behaviors are you modeling for your child when it comes to following the family rules and agreements? What do you think she’s seeing and learning from you? Do you sometimes break the rules because it’s convenient? Or do you have a different set of rules for yourself? Children believe this to be an unfair practice. It makes them resentful and uncooperative.

Test your comfort levels

• You may want to let go of a few social norms you grew up with because times have changed. But don’t do so until you’ve become comfortable with them. A trial-and-error approach could confuse you and your child. Take small steps, evaluate your experiences and progress gradually. And remember to stand united as parents. Young children thrive when they gain a sense of security from consistent, respectful and firm limits.

As children grow they’re advancing in their physical, emotional and cognitive development. But we often believe that they’re too young to understand a lot of things. While this may be true to some extent, let it not stop us from recognizing their growing abilities and skills.

Geetha, we hope you’ll start relating to your child as a capable 7-year-old, and that you’ll soon feel more confident about setting limits that match the social norms you wish to uphold in your family. All the best!

Also Read:

Values Begin At Home

Activities To Teach Important Values To Your Child

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