Parenting

How to Respond To Kids When They Talk Back

Answered by Team ParentCircle

Recently, my 7-year-old’s friend’s mother called me to say that my daughter talks back a lot and comes out as disrespectful. She said my daughter is also quite rude to her friends at school. It was surprising for me, as she is well-behaved at home. She has never been disrespectful to other elders in the family or to us. I am wondering how to tackle this. Should I consider it as a one-off and let it be, or should I talk to her about it?

Dear Parent,

What did it feel like when you got that phone call? It must have taken you by surprise. Several thoughts may have crowded your mind: “What am I missing here?” “It’s so unlike my child!” “This can’t be true!” “She’s never been like this! How is this possible?” It hurts, and that’s normal. We feel your worry and confusion.

Kids “talking back” has always been a big issue, especially with adults. We all want our children to learn how to express and assert themselves in respectful ways. Children also react to back talk. We often hear them say, “How rude” when they are at the receiving end of back talk from their friends, don’t we? But talking back is also an important part of children’s normal development. They are beginning to individuate, to become more independent and assertive. So, the interactions in a group of 7-year-olds can be quite intense at times. There’s bound to be a few hurt feelings and misunderstandings along the way. But it’s also the most natural learning environment where good social skills are learned and practiced. Even so, we will still worry when a complaint about our children comes along.

Children spend a large part of their day at school, away from their parents and caregivers.

Around age 7, friends begin to assume more importance. Thus begins a series of new and sometimes conflicting experiences:

• Feeling a sense of belonging in the group but also feeling left out
• Knowing they have a special place in the group but also feeling ignored
• Trying to please each other but also stepping on each other’s toes
• Feeling close to all the friends but closer to at least one particular friend
• Admiring their friends’ abilities and successes, yet feeling envious of them
• Feeling happy for a friend but also jealous of them
• Enjoying the secrets they share, and distressed when the trust is broken
• Concurring with their friends but also trying to establish their individuality

Given these complex emotional needs and dynamics, we can expect young children to react. Some children may withdraw in helplessness and struggle with their emotions. It takes an alert and tuned-in parent to notice their child’s inner struggle. Other children may display their anger and frustration through hurtful actions or words. This makes it easier for parents to recognize that all is not well with their child.

It’s hard to tell if you should consider the complaint to be a one-off, so it’s best that you try to find more details. Are you wondering if you should talk to your child about the complaint against her? Does a single complaint warrant your intervention? You could wait a bit and see if another complaint comes in. But we think it would be helpful to address the issue sooner than later simply because the incident seems to have impacted your child’s friends at school. And that could have an adverse impact on her life at school. But we also know that young children tend to forgive easily and regroup quickly.

Here’s how you can take it one step at a time:

Approach the parent with your intention-

You could say, “Thank you for letting me know. I’ve been thinking about it and was wondering if you could tell me more about it.” Listen to her responses and try to gauge the seriousness of the issue.

Brace yourself for what you may hear about your child-

As you feel your emotions welling up inside you, take a few deep breaths to calm yourself. Try to gather as much information as you can. You don’t need to defend your child at this point.

Trust your gut feeling-

You know your child better than anyone else, so listen to your intuition as you mull over what the parent has told you. Check to see if some strong emotions are lurking inside you. Go with the flow of those emotions. Give yourself permission to feel them because pushing them away will only make them come back again and again.

Turn your attention to your child-

Routine conversations about school is a good place to start. Then, you could use the points mentioned above to start ongoing conversations around her friends at school. Exploring these areas with your child will help her become aware of her inner thoughts and feelings. When she shares them with you, you will understand her experiences. You can then step in to guide and support her accordingly.

Use the right approach-

You could ask, “Are there times when things are not so good with your friends?” To help your child open up to you, share a similar story from your school days. We’ve all had difficult times with our school friends, so we know what it feels like.

Make your child aware-

Often, children have no clue that there’s a problem. They aren’t aware of how they are coming across to others or what is being said about them. But they are very sensitive to comments from others. If this is the case with your child let’s not tell her about the complaint. Instead, use your conversations to explore the conflicts she experiences with her friends. Comfortable conversations usually reveal underlying anger or frustration.

Validate your child’s feelings all the time

You could ask in a loving and compassionate tone, “Is there something you are angry or upset about? I’m here to help you.” Reassure your child that all her feelings are normal and that she can learn how to manage them. Sometimes just releasing those feelings is enough to clear her mind and be nice to her friends again.

All children will falter and make a few mistakes even as they acquire new social skills. They are learning how to value their friends, adapt to situations and manage their emotions. Every experience is valuable because we can always learn something from it, and the same can apply to our children.

We hope that you and your child will grow from this experience. There will be more challenges to overcome along the way, and that’s what growing up is all about. All the best!

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