Parenting wearing you out? Here are some effective tips on how you can avoid parental burnout

I am always racing against the clock. There are a few dirty dishes left in the sink, a job-related email to be sent, the appointment with the pediatrician to be fixed, the children to be helped with homework…the list is endless. I start panicking when there is a crisis – say, on the day my nanny decides to take a day off. And yes, there are ‘regular’ arguments with the children where I feel I just can’t get through to them. I feel like screaming: “Enough! I can’t take anymore”. 

I haven’t slept well in days. I always feel exhausted. And, so, so alone. No one seems to appreciate me. I feel I am a failure as a mother. I feel emotionally numb and mentally blank. It is as if I am just existing, not living. There does not seem to be a way out. Sometimes, I wish I could just disappear for a while…

- From the journal of a working mother experiencing parental burnout

Burnout, that dreaded 7-letter word we all hate but cannot live without. At multiple stages of our life, we all feel we are closer to a burnout. When we face it, we either recognize it and fight back or simply break down. American psychologist Herbert J Freudenberger defines burnout as, “A state of fatigue or frustration brought about by devotion to a cause, way of life, or relationship that failed to produce the expected reward.”

The big word in the definition is ‘devotion’. It just shows burnout is preceded by passion and excitement. It is often our ability (or the lack of it) to manage the stresses that lead to burnout.

While burnout at the workplace has been written about a great deal and often becomes the center of discussions related to ‘great places to work’ surveys, parental burnout hardly ever receives the attention it deserves. Is it because it is ‘illusionary’ and cannot be quantified the way objectives at a workplace can? Probably yes. Simply put, parental burnout is a specific syndrome resulting from enduring exposure to chronic parenting stress.  But job-related stress and the stress of managing the home could contribute to stress related to the parental role – as in the illustration above.

Parents today are at greater risk of burnout for two socio-cultural reasons – there are more single parents these days, and more households in which both parents work, whether out of choice or necessity. While parental burnout could affect dads and stay-at-home moms as well, single parents and working moms are most vulnerable. However, dads who are very involved in caregiving and parenting may experience burnout too.

How burnout differs from stress

• Burnout is a long-term condition while stress could be temporary.
• You are usually aware of being under stress, but you may not notice that you are experiencing burnout.
• Stress is characterized by doing too much. Chronic stress could lead to burnout – the stage when you disengage yourself from activities and people.
• Your emotions may be heightened during stress; during burnout, you may feel emotionally blunted or numb.
• Stress causes urgency and hyperactivity; burnout causes helplessness and hopelessness.
• Stress could lead to anxiety disorder and depression whereas burnout is more commonly linked to depression.

Serious malady

Parental burnout is a bigger problem than many of us think.  A 2018 survey by the Business Performance Innovation Network (BPI Network) of 2,000 working parents across North America revealed that the situation is more alarming than we think. While 63% of the survey respondents reported they had experienced parental burnout, 40% of those cases were described as “significant”.

Nearly 30% of respondents said pressure or exhaustion from work or managing the home was a primary contributor to parental burnout. Also, 30% pointed to financial concerns as a major factor. The survey report observed that the top indicators of parental burnout include:

• Extreme frustration (33%)
• Constant exhaustion (25%)
• Difficulty handling tasks (17%)

Nearly 90% of parents agreed that it was harder to raise children today than when they were growing up.

Signs of parental burnout

According to a 2018 Belgium research published in Child Abuse and Neglect, parental burnout encompasses three dimensions – overwhelming exhaustion related to one’s parental role, an emotional state distancing from one’s children, and a sense of ineffectiveness in one’s parental role.

Feeling constantly tired (to the point of not wanting to get up in the morning and face the day), irritability, losing interest in parenting (wishing you could be something other than a parent) and distancing yourself from children (mainly due to exhaustion) are common manifestations of the problem.

While parents may love their children, they may sometimes hate being a parent. And, in some cases, this may be more than a mood. Parents facing burnout may withdraw from responsibilities (such as supervising homework). They are filled with self-doubt and self-criticism. In addition, a parent going through burnout could feel frustrated, or even resentful.

The physical symptoms include - having trouble sleeping, changes in appetite, headache, backache, frequent upset stomach, and reduced immunity to infections like cold and flu.

Primary causes of parental burnout

Excessive workload: Sometimes, there may be just too much to do. Also, much of the work could be monotonous, like doing the laundry or picking up after your toddler. Working too much, without sufficient time to sleep, relax or socialize, can lead to burnout. Living in a chaotic (where is my preschooler’s other shoe?) high-pressure environment (the morning rush to get your children to school) can lead to burnout too.

Parental burnout could also be the result of parenting guilt. For example, some parents who feel they are not spending enough time with their kids, may tend to overcompensate and that, in turn, could lead to exhaustion and burnout.

Lack of a support system: Motherly's 2019 State of Motherhood survey found that 85% of American moms don't think society understands or supports them. It revealed that 61% of millennial moms are carrying the responsibility of household chores on their shoulders with little help from their partners. Apart from an unhelpful partner, if a working mother does not have a caregiver for her young child or domestic help to fall back upon, it can get too much. While this is a survey specific to the USA, the situation is not very different in most other countries. In countries like those in the sub-continent, the situation is aggravated thanks to a breakdown in joint family structures. The support system is a big challenge in nuclear family structures, which have become the norm in today’s world.

Absence of appreciation: Not being sufficiently appreciated and valued for what they do is a common feeling, especially among stay-at-home moms. Often, they are taken for granted by their partner and children. Also, they do not receive monetary compensation for all the effort they put in. No wonder then that a survey conducted by Salary.com earlier this year estimated the median annual salaries for stay-at-home mothers to be $1,62,581. According to the study, “moms who stay at home take on a bunch of “hybrid” roles including education, executive housekeeper, facilities director, interior designer, tax accountant and staff nurse.” Now, that’s some appreciation!

Personality traits: A perfectionist nature can be your worst enemy when it comes to a burnout. Interestingly, parental burnout apparently strikes people who are most committed, which again takes us back to that word in the definition – devotion.  Also, inconsistent or coercive parenting styles may lead to repeated conflicts and contribute to burnout.  A parent who finds it hard to delegate tasks to others (including children) or ask for help and support, will be more vulnerable. Lastly, low self-esteem and pessimism can make a person more prone to be burned out.

How parental burnout affects self and the family

Parental burnout takes a toll on relationships with your partner, children, family and friends.  Also, it could damage a person’s career. The 2018 Belgium study further reveals that parental burnout may cause addictions and sleep problems. It has a strong effect on couple conflicts. But it has an even larger association with neglect and violence against children, as also thoughts of escape and suicide.

If parental burnout leads to an infant being deprived of adequate love and care from their mother (usually the primary caregiver), this may lead to the child not experiencing a secure attachment with their mother. This child may end up having difficulty getting along with people and is likely to face low self-esteem issues coupled with an inability to develop a sense of confidence or trust in others.

The impact on children is particularly distressing. In an article that appears on edition.cnn.com titled ‘Parental burnout: It’s really a thing’, Mindee Harding, founder of Juice Box Consulting, links parental burnout with growing depression and suicide issues in tweens and teens. Her evocative words: “Disconnected, overcommitted, exhausted parents + ignored, socially connected kids = a void so big in a child’s heart it can’t ever be filled.”

It’s time to act

You can quit a job that is causing burnout, but you can’t quit being a parent! Continuing as you have through exhaustion and emotional emptiness is also not an option.

HelpGuide.org prescribes the “Three R” approach to deal with burnout:

• Recognize – Watch for the warning signs of burnout
• Reverse – Undo the damage by seeking support and managing stress
• Resilience – Build your resilience to stress by taking care of your physical and emotional health

Here are RULES to change the course of your life to avoid burnout. These are not fool-proof but will certainly help you pull yourself out of burnout:

RULE # 1 - Ditch perfection

The pursuit of perfection is good but it has a destructive angle. Says Paula Davis-Laack, stress and resilience expert, in the article ‘Maxed Out Parents: 5 Strategies to Ease Burnout’ which appeared in Psychology Today: “Every single parent I know wants to do their best and not fail at what they consider to be the most important job on the planet (parenting), but perfection has a cost.”

It is important for parents to understand where the pursuit for perfection is stemming from. One of the sources certainly is social media and therefore, parents can do some things to avoid succumbing to social media pressure. You may read posts and see pictures of the “perfect families”. Believe me, most of them are not true. Second, you don’t have to keep up with others, do you. It’s perfectly okay to be imperfect!

RULE # 2 - Ensure your children do their bit

It is great to encourage children to follow a set routine for homework and other activities. In addition, involve your child in age-appropriate household responsibilities such as tidying up, folding clothes, taking out the garbage, and mowing the lawn. This will reduce the burden on you and will help you feel more relaxed and at ease.

RULE # 3 - Adopt positive parenting strategies

Be well-informed about healthy parenting strategies by reading books and articles online. This way, you can minimize friction and strife in your interactions (especially with tweens and teens). A more peaceful parenting environment will do its best to preventing burnout. All of us need emotional support. Talk to your partner, close family members and friends. Join a mommy group – a forum where you can both vent about your parenting stresses, and listen to others doing the same.

RULE # 4 - Make wise choices

At any point of time, if you feel overstretched, ask yourself whether you have to do a particular task. You could ask your partner or another parent to take your child to their friend’s birthday party, instead of doing so yourself.  On an evening when you are particularly tired, you could order in food instead of making dinner. Oh yes, don’t feel guilty! It’s perfectly okay to order food once in a while.

RULE # 5 - Think of the positive

We tend to remember what we haven’t achieved rather than all that we have. Human tendency. Paula Davis-Laack calls this the “negativity bias”. In order to counteract it, start spending time each week writing down what has gone right, she advises. This simple exercise helps to generate positive emotions and lowers stress hormones. You could also make a ‘I did it’ list along with a ‘to-do’ list. Yes, we love doing our ‘to-do’ list, but accept it, none of us ever try the ‘I did it’ list.

RULE # 6 - Start focussing on self-care

All work and no play can lead to a burnout. And this is not just at the workplace, but at home too. If you think life is just a dreary list of parenting chores and responsibilities, you need to get some fun back into your life. Resume an activity you enjoyed before you became a parent, or start a new one. Sign up for a pottery class, learn to play a musical instrument, or take up a sport. Remember, you are not being selfish, by taking time away from your children, you are being prudent by taking care of your needs. 

RULE # 7 - Make work-related changes

Many factors in your work life could contribute to parental burnout. Select a job that offers flexible work hours, including work-from-home options so that you can balance work and family better. Work for a company that has family-friendly policies.

RULE # 8 - Disconnect digitally as a family

How technology can contribute to burnout cannot be overemphasized. Parents have to be constantly vigilant of the digital dangers that their children are exposed to. Moreover, they themselves may have to check their emails and texts long beyond office hours. This disturbs the work-life balance. Strictly limiting screen time for our children (and ourselves too) and making it a policy to not attend to work during weekends (if possible), can ease the situation.

RULE # 9 - Ease packed schedules

Too many commitments and activities can lead to exhaustion and stress, and ultimately burnout. Recharge yourself by taking little breaks through the day. These mini-breaks will help you refocus by detaching you from your usual activities.

It is important to remember not to ‘overpack’ anything including schedules. If you overschedule your child with extracurricular activities, you have to bear the brunt of ensuring the schedules are kept and also ferrying them to and fro. Taking regular vacations and short weekend breaks is a given. Travel and a change of environment will do wonders to boost the spirits.

RULE # 10 - Follow a healthy lifestyle

Get at least seven hours of sleep each night. Do not skip breakfast and avoid binging on junk food. And yes, work out regularly. Exercise may be the last thing you want to do when you are totally exhausted, but it is a powerful antidote to burnout.

Also, make time for weekly rituals that will rejuvenate you – a massage or spa treatment, a date with your partner without children, catching up on your reading, going on a trek, cooking something special for the family. This may sound superficial, but remember, small things can yield big results.

Last but not the least, try relaxation techniques. Deep breathing, yoga and meditation are very helpful. Find out what works for you. One of the best ways to relax is to find something that makes you laugh – even if it is your own predicament!

Parenting is a huge responsibility and if you don’t get the appreciation, understanding, validation, and support you need to deal with it, you can get burned out. By taking early action you may be able to prevent full-scale burnout. Even if you are caught in its vortex, you can recoup and reclaim your life. To enjoy the pleasures of parenting, you need to kick out the pressures of burnout. Happy parenting!

What you could do right away

• Every day, write down at least one thing that made you happy as a parent – the hug or smile your child gave you (or) the special moment you shared with your child playing or chatting, or anything else
• Assign chores to your child/children and share the workload in your house