How To Communicate With Teenagers: 5 Proven Parenting Strategies That Work

Understanding the challenges of parenting teenagers today

Parenting teens and young adults in the modern world requires considerable skill. As your children grow more independent and crave freedom from parental control, you can’t help worrying whether they’re ready to handle the demands and dangers that growing up today entails. While you worry about excessive screen time, dipping academic performance, or poor peer choices, you also want to maintain a strong relationship with your children.

When your teen is troubled or gets into trouble, do they feel close and comfortable enough to confide in you? And, more importantly, do you feel equipped to deal with their crises without damaging your relationship with them?

A new approach to connecting with teenage children

In her book, 'The School of Hard Talks,' psychologist Emily Kline offers an effective approach to build and maintain strong relationships of ‘trust and mutual respect’ with your adolescent children. She has adapted the techniques of Motivational Interviewing (MI), a communication style pioneered by William Miller and Stephen Rollnick, to suit the needs of adolescent children. Calling her approach Motivational Interviewing for Loved Ones, Ms. Kline has adapted the core principles of Motivational Interviewing to suit ‘typical family conversations and dynamics.’

Sooner or later, most parents figure out they cannot ‘control’ their adolescent child. However, that does not mean that you do not influence them. Ms. Kline recommends envisioning the parent-child relationship as a ‘partnership’ in which you help your children ‘feel understood, confident, and in control.’ In fact, she views meeting these three emotional needs of children as foundational pillars of a strong relationship.

Shifting from control to partnership in parenting teens

Here are five tips to help parents support their children's needs, so that they feel safe, understood, and valued while building strong emotional resilience.

1. Curbing the ‘righting reflex’

Foremost, Ms. Kline suggests that we curb the ‘righting reflex,’ a common parental tendency to solve our children’s problems by ‘giving advice or minimizing their concerns.’ While parents mean well when they resort to the righting reflex, it unintentionally adds to a child’s stress.

Imagine this scenario. When 14-year-old Karan returns home from school in a bad mood, his mom says, “What happened? You look upset.”

He responds, “Everyone hates me.”

His mom may instinctively respond, “No, they don’t,” thinking this would allay her child’s distress.

Next time, when she says, “Tell me what happened,” Karan may refuse to answer because his mom did not understand his feelings of loneliness and insecurity. Ms. Kline says that the righting reflex ‘often has the opposite impact’ of what the parent intended. So, curb the urge to correct or offer a solution immediately.

2. Showing empathy before finding solutions

In these trying moments, it helps to take a breath, notice the feelings arising in your body and the accompanying thoughts that disappoint, worry, or anger you. Once you learn to curb your righting reflex, how do you proceed with a difficult conversation?

Ms. Kline suggests practicing reflections, which means repeating back what you heard your teen say or what you think they feel. This way, your teens know you are listening, and they are more likely to feel understood. So, when Karan said that everyone hated him, if his mom had responded, “That must be hard,” the conversation could have taken a different turn. That would be empathy in action. So, before we offer suggestions, we first need to show empathy.

Showing empathy does not necessarily mean that Karan’s mother agrees with her child. She may not believe that everyone at school hates her child, but she must try to understand what prompted him to make that comment. Even if she tried to resist the righting reflex, Ms. Kline writes that it can be hard for parents to curb it when their teens have triggered their emotions.

3. Using different types of reflections effectively 

Ms. Kline describes three kinds of reflections that parents can use, depending on the situation, and how a conversation unfolds.

• Simple reflection: A simple reflection involves repeating almost exactly what your child said. For example, when 16-year-old Akriti says to her dad, “I don’t want to go for tuition today,” her dad can say, “You want to skip tuition today,” in a neutral tone.
• Complex reflection: A complex reflection entails guessing what they meant.  For example, if your 15-year-old daughter says, “Why do I have to study Chemistry? It’s so boring,” you may respond, “You would rather study things that you think you will use in the future and not be forced to study Chemistry.”
• Feelings reflection: A feelings reflection is when you name the emotion your child is conveying. When 17-year-old Karthik says to his mom, “Calculus is not my thing,” his mom can say, “You’ve been spending a lot of time on your calculus homework, and it feels frustrating when you don’t understand it entirely.”

Reflections must be non-judgmental. You are not communicating your agreement or disagreement through reflection; instead, you are only letting your child know that you have listened to and tried to understand them as individuals. Reflections, when done correctly, can lower the temperature of a heated exchange.

4. Asking thoughtful questions and encouraging openness

To really get to know what your teenage child thinks, you also need to exhibit genuine curiosity, while setting aside preconceptions and judgments. Ms. Kline provides two examples of simple statements that can help take a conversation forward:

• “Tell me more.”
• “Help me understand.”

Those two prompts are simple but powerful because they:

• Encourage the other person to keep talking
• Show genuine interest and curiosity
• Avoid interrupting or steering the conversation too aggressively

Ms. Kline also recommends asking open-ended questions that can prompt your teens to share more. Instead of “Did you like the party?” you may ask, “How did you find yesterday’s party?” Also, parents need to refrain from asking too many questions, as it may come across as being nosy.

5. Using affirmations to reinforce values and strengths 

Ms. Kline uses the term ‘affirmations’ in a specific way, which differs from the common understanding of the word. When you practice affirmations, you are emphasizing your child’s strengths and values.

For example, if your 15-year-old daughter shouts at you because breakfast is late, you may say, “Being on time for school is important for you. I’m sorry breakfast is delayed, as I had an urgent email to respond to.” While she may still be angry, she will at least know that you appreciate her desire to be punctual.

Or, if your 16-year-old son says, “I don’t like the new cricket coach. But I’m still going because I won’t make it to the team otherwise,” you may say, “Being on the school cricket team means a lot to you.”

Helping your teen find their own solutions

When your teen has a problem or a dilemma, you may also ask solution-focused questions instead of doling out advice right away. Here are some questions you can ask to spur your adolescents to come up with their own solutions:

• “What do you think you can do?”
• “What has worked in the past?”
• “What are the pluses and minuses of each option?”

Building strong, lasting relationships with your teenager

To sum up, the techniques of Motivational Interviewing can help parents connect better with their teens. By approaching a topic with curiosity, asking good questions, listening carefully, repeating back what you heard, and giving advice effectively, you can create meaningful relationships with teens. When you use these techniques regularly, your teens will feel comfortable and confident opening up and discussing any issue.

Parent checklist: Communicating effectively with your teen

• Pause before reacting—avoid giving advice immediately
• Listen fully without interrupting or correcting your teen
• Repeat what your teen says to show you understand
• Focus on your teen’s feelings, not just the problem
• Use simple prompts like “Tell me more” or “Help me understand”
• Ask open-ended questions instead of yes/no questions
• Avoid asking too many questions in one conversation
• Acknowledge your teen’s values and efforts through affirmations
• Encourage your teen to think of their own solutions
• Stay calm and non-judgmental, even during difficult conversations
• Build connection through small, everyday conversations
• Prioritize trust and respect over control

Start building stronger bonds today—discover simple ways to have meaningful conversations with children that truly make a difference.

Aruna Sankaranarayanan is a psychologist and author of Zero Limits and the co-author of Bee-Witched.