Climb the 12 step compassionate stairway and become a kinder, calmer parent this exam season

When exams are just around the corner, anxiety abounds. Tension is palpable, not only among children but more so among hyper-stressed parents. Often parents bring their children for counselling or therapy right before the exams with just one request - "Fix my child so he can score good marks".

Some parents are so obsessed with making their children do well in exams that they seem like technicians trying to get their machines to perform at their optimum capacity. It worries me to think that these grade-crazed moms and dads are bringing up the next generation of citizens.

My wish for a better world propels me to write this article on compassionate parenting, where each tip I propose begins with a letter in the word "COMPASSIONATE". Read on to know more about how you can become a kinder, calmer parent instead of trying to squeeze that extra mark out of your helpless, depleted child.

• Create a safe space: As a parent, your primary responsibility is to create a safe emotional space where your child can communicate freely and openly. Begin by inviting your children to share their feelings. And, when they open up, listen! Don't interrupt or criticize, but just listen non-judgmentally.
• Orient yourself to reality: It is easy to get carried away by the dream of your child topping the exams. Parental pressure to perform well academically is one of the reasons for India having some of the most disturbing statistics related to childhood and teenage suicides. Remember, exams will keep happening. So, don't make your child feel like a lifeless machine designed to churn out marks and top grades all the time. Give them the space they need, and allow them to perform at their pace.
• Motivate, but don't push: You can always motivate and inspire your child to work towards academic success, but there is a fine line that separates positive motivation from being overbearing. Be aware of when you might be crossing that line and starting to push them beyond their natural capabilities.
• Prioritize: Even if your child is appearing for the board exam, keep things in perspective. Exams are not the end of the world and results are not the be-all and end-all of existence. Have your priorities in place. Your child's physical and emotional well-being is far more important than scoring that 99% on the exam. So, take care of them and meet their needs.
• Avoid put-downs: For some reason, parents think that put-downs and criticisms are effective motivators for a child to launch themselves into performance mode. On the contrary, these can cause irreversible damage to your child's self-esteem, causing their performance to plummet.
• Stop comparing: There is no such thing as positive comparison. When you compare your child to another, you are telling them that they are not good enough. This is detrimental to their psychological and emotional health.
• Stop taking out your frustrations on your child: Your child may be stressed, but he may not show it. If you believe that he is just whiling away his time, you might end up treating him with derision. You may also end up displacing your anger from other situations on your vulnerable child. All these can break his spirit. His performance will suffer more if you get into a habit of scolding or abusing him each time you are frustrated.
• Inject a dose of fun: Exams shouldn't become the reason for life to become dreary! Take some time out for leisure and fun activities, both for yourself and for your child. They need to understand that there is more to life than exams and that taking some 'me-time' out is okay to relax and nurture themselves before trudging on with their studies.
• Observe your child for signs of stress: Don't become so focused on the end goal of achieving high marks that you overlook tell-tale signs of stress or depression in your child. If their appetite or sleep patterns have changed, if you notice them becoming quieter and withdrawn, if they are more irritable than before - encourage them to talk about their feelings. If they don't, seek professional help before it is too late.
• Nourish your child well: As a parent, it is your duty to nourish your child's body, mind and spirit. Provide nutritious food, encourage daily physical activity, and insist on sufficient sleep to ensure that they stay physically and emotionally healthy. Instilling values like saying a prayer and family mealtimes can be tremendously helpful in providing the structure, routine and stability every child needs for healthy overall development.
• Accept your child unconditionally: I have met my fair share of parents who tell their children, "I will love you only if you perform well." Such conditional love and so-called acceptance can sometimes cause more harm to the child's psyche than even overt abuse. Every child seeks acceptance, especially from their primary caregivers. They need to hear that they will be loved, no matter what. Work on instilling the belief that you will always be there for your child, regardless of their marks or academic grades.
• Teach study skills: I have seen parents wear themselves out trying to 'teach' their children. My suggestion to such parents is to let their child learn effective study skills instead. Allow your children to make their timetable; you don't do it for them. Let them take responsibility for their performance, not you. Let their marks be their own, not yours!
• Empower your child to face challenges: Your child needs to understand that success and failure are a part of life. Failing a test should not be portrayed as a catastrophe. Rather, assure your child that they can make up for it in the next test. Most importantly, you need to mean it when you tell your child that it is okay to fail. Remember, a child who never experiences failure would never develop the skills needed to cope with one. Failure teaches a child to try again and builds their character. Children who fail and persevere are the ones who grow up to be more resilient and successful, and certainly more contented.