Strengthening Your Bond With Your Preschooler

Nothing tests my patience more than my daughter refusing to cooperate with me. One day, exasperated by her defiance, I decided to do something different. I went over to her and gave her a big hug and told her how much I love her, then repeated my request in a soft voice. The effect of this simple act on my blood pressure was impressive, but the effect it had on her behavior was beyond belief. She went from defiant to eager to please with that one warm interaction!

- Mum of a 3-Year-Old

Did you know that as a parent you need five positive interactions to each negative interaction with your child to maintain a healthy and happy relationship with them?

Relationship management involves filling our relationship account with loving, affirming interactions, so that our preschoolers feel secure, happy and close to us. Yes, much like our bank accounts, we must ensure that our relationship account is never overdrawn and that our balance is never in the red. When children feel connected to us, they learn to love themselves and to love others.

"But what does this mean? I still need to discipline my child!"

Yes, of course you do. However, disciplining doesn't mean you have to punish your child. Setting limits, enforcing rules and correcting behaviors can still be done with understanding and respect. You just have to ensure that you spend more time connecting with your child than correcting your child.

"I take care of my child. Isn't that connecting?"

As parents, we do spend a large portion of our time meeting our children's physical needs and moving them through the daily routine. However, taking care of them may not necessarily translate into strengthening our bond with them.

Yes, spending time with our young ones and taking care of their daily needs definitely help them become attached to us. Your preschooler intuitively feels that if he were to be separated from you, he would not be protected and may face terrible risks, and so he seeks your presence. However, that alone isn't enough to establish a loving relationship with your child.

"But why is it important to connect with my child?"

Once a child's most basic physical needs for food and shelter are met, she craves for two fundamental emotional mainstays-the need for belonging and significance. From a child's perspective, belongingness translates into knowing where she fits in, her place in the family and how she's emotionally connected to other members. And to feel a sense of significance, she needs to feel a sense of personal power.

If our children don't get belongingness and significance in positive ways, they resort to negative methods, which often result in what we call "misbehavior"-the child not listening and cooperating with the parent.

"So, if my child doesn't listen to me, that means we're not connected?"

Exactly! The most obvious sign that your relationship with your child needs repair and strengthening is defiance. Your child will want to cooperate with you when you have a good relationship going with him. When he doesn't want to cooperate, it's usually a sign of disconnection. If your child doesn't listen to you or follow your requests, if you regularly yell, give out punishment or put your child in time-out, then your relationship with your child needs work. Defiance isn't a behavioral problem, it's a relationship problem.

Even if your child simply seems difficult, he may be giving you the message that he needs something from you that he isn't getting.

"And if my child doesn't seem defiant?"

Even then it's a good idea to work on connecting with your child. Unfortunately, infinite distractions (including our smartphones) and constant separations have a way of eroding connection. To a young child, anytime your attention is focused elsewhere is a separation. This can include you being stuck in meetings all day long, even though you're physically present at home, or you finishing chores, when your attention is obviously focused elsewhere. And that is why all of us need to repeatedly reconnect with our children, just to repair the daily erosions created by life's normal distractions and separations.

"So, what does connecting with my child actually entail?"

Connecting with your child means being fully present with them and paying 100% of your attention to them.

Most parents, when reminiscing about their children growing up, say they wish they had spent more time with their children. It's because they underestimated the value of being fully present with their children (instead, they prioritized other things, such as disciplining them, teaching them or spending time enrolling them in classes). While ensuring that our children get ahead in life and imbibe good values and behaviors are important goals of parenting, one of our top priorities should be connecting with our child.

"To a child, LOVE is spelt TIME"

Dr Justin Coulson, bestselling author of21 Days to a Happier Family, says

"I know of no intervention more powerful than simply spending time with another person to create a strong and positive relationship."

He denies our claim that we just don't have the time to bond with our children! Instead, he insists, "It's not actually about time. Connecting with your child could just be about going to your child's room in the morning and giving them a big squeezy hug and telling them that you love spending time with them or that being with them makes you feel so good!"

"Every interaction creates a relationship"

Because so much of our time is spent running our children through the daily routine, it is important to ensure that these routines are filled with warmth, fun, giggling and affection.

According to Dr Laura Markham, bestselling author of Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids

"Grocery shopping and bath time matter at least as much as that big birthday party you've planned for your child. Spend some downtime just hanging out with your child. Now is when you lay the foundation for a great relationship later."

One of the most ardent advocates of fostering connection with children, Dr Markham wants you to take advantage of these early years of your child's life while you're still the center of their life!

"Little moments count"

Are you wondering how to take out time to connect with your child when you're running from pillar to post working, running the house (and taking care not to trip over the toys!), and ensuring three decent meals on the table?

Dr Tina Payne Bryson, co-author of two bestsellers-The Whole-Brain Child and No-Drama Discipline-talks about what she calls the power of "showing up". "Showing up means bringing your attention and awareness into the time you spend with your child. What your kids need most from you is you. You have to bring your whole self into the moment with them. But you don't have to do this every minute. Just moments throughout the day."

Dr Bryson explains that intentionally showing up for your child involves noticing your child and commenting on what she's doing, which lets her know that she's being seen. Your limbic system (the feelings part of the brain) is in sync with hers. You'll then notice that your child is more open to your influence, more cooperative and more affectionate.

Let us see how that looks like in action.

5 Simple Ways of Strengthening Your Bond with Your Preschooler

1. Create micro-moments of connection

Use everyday moments-while bathing your child, during mealtimes, or while getting her dressed-to build connection. It can take the form of a warm glance or gesture, a loving embrace, a nod of appreciation or a gentle tap on the shoulder. It won't take long to create these micro-moments, but you can be sure your child will keep coming back for more.

2. Enjoy doing things together

Fixing breakfast for the family? Doing laundry? Or cleaning the shoe rack? Invite your child to do these tasks with you. At this stage when you request your child to get involved in these tasks, he'll be excited to help you. Use these moments to enjoy connecting with your child, even though what he may end up doing may not be perfect. If you're cooking, ask your child to wash the veggies or roll little rotis. Or enlist his help in setting the table or filling the glasses with water. It helps you connect with your child, even if you're busy.

3. Have "Special Time"

Special time is about spending at least ten minutes with your child, at least twice a day every day, letting your child lead the play, with you doing what she wants you to do. During this time, you give your full attention to your child (without any phones, chores or bathroom breaks), and you're emotionally available to her. Resist the temptation to do all your special time in one go. This time is like emotional nutrition. If you had breakfast but didn't eat again for the rest of the day, you'd be starving by the end of the day. Doing special time two times per day gives your child two solid doses of what she needs most from you.

4. Create special rituals

You can have daily rituals, weekly rituals, monthly rituals or even yearly rituals with your child. Your daily ritual could be saying a little prayer together in the morning before school, or playing an outdoor game when your child is done with school, or reading a book before going to bed. Your weekly ritual could be a family board game night or a movie night. Your monthly ritual could be a visit to grandma's or a visit to a special place like a zoo or museum. Your yearly ritual could be a planned family vacation.

5. Create special memories

Often, it's the little everyday happenings and connections that create fond memories for your child. For example, the special bear-shaped pancakes you make for her weekend breakfast; the different ways you comb her hair; the way you soothe her when she's hurt; or the way you smile at her when you meet her gaze in the playground-all of these can create special memories for your child. You cannot decide which ones will become fond memories for her. You can only build connections and create opportunities that can seed these fond memories.

Finally, take heart-as long as you make an effort to understand your child and are sensitive to her emotional needs, your child will know you care. She will naturally build a strong relationship with you that will last a lifetime.

In a nutshell

• Young children need loving interactions with us to feel secure and happy.
• The most obvious sign that your relationship with your child needs repair and strengthening is defiance.
• When you spend time connecting with your child, he becomes more cooperative and is more likely to listen to you.

What you can do right away

• Spend 10 minutes twice a day every day with your child, paying your full attention to her, without any distractions or interruptions.
• Engage in rough-and-tumble play or fake pillow fights with your child. Keep it light and fun. This melts away all the bodily stress, and the laughter it evokes helps your child feel more connected to you.

Also read:

Bonding Ideas For Fathers Of Young Children

Ways To Bond With Your Child (3-5 years old)

5 Activities For Mothers To Bond With Sons

Easy Ways To Bond As A Family

About the author:

Written by by Meghna Singhal, PhD on November 26, 2020.

Dr. Singhal is a clinical psychologist and Parenting Coach at ParentCircle. She has a doctorate degree in clinical psychology from NIMHANS (Bangalore) and holds a post-doctorate in parenting from the University of Queensland (Australia).

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