How To Talk To Kids So They Listen And Build Strong Parent-Child Communication

It’s the usual drill—you ask your child to clean their room, and they refuse to do it. You have tried counting to three, used the “serious voice,” and even threatened to ground them, but to no avail. “When will you ever listen to me?” you shout in frustration.

Why kids don’t listen and what’s really going on

Now here’s a question for you—do YOU really listen to your child? While most of us are intent on "disciplining" our children by making them listen to us, we rarely give them the space to share their perceptions. And when they do share their feelings or thoughts with us, do we give them our undivided attention? Most of the time, the answer is no.

While daily communication may turn into arguments because of this, there may be a good reason why your child is struggling to listen to you. Maybe they’re overwhelmed by what you’re telling them, maybe they’re tired or stressed, or even trying to get attention. Whatever the reason, there are many ways to help your child listen and communicate better. Let’s take a look at some of them.

Understand your child’s feelings before expecting them to listen 

Children are busy exploring the world. It’s a part of their job description. They have so many things on their mind, like studying for their geography test, practicing football to make it to the school team, and trying out new video games with friends. When they have multiple priorities to worry about, they don’t really understand why you keep asking them to clean their room. Even toddlers have so much going on—every new object they see is a new avenue waiting to be explored (and thrown around).

Understand and acknowledge your child’s thoughts and feelings first. This will help them know that you’re ready to listen to them. Consider this scenario. Your friend asks you to book tickets to his favorite artist’s concert. You forget about it, as you’re busy with work. Sometime later, the tickets get sold out. You meet your friend to tell him about it, and he screams in anger, “Why didn’t you book the tickets when I asked you to? You know I wanted to go to the concert!”

How would you feel in this situation? You’d probably feel upset that you couldn’t help your friend, and also a little angry that he shouted at you. Instead, if he had said, “Oh no! I really wanted to go to that concert, but it’s okay. I understand you had work, so it probably slipped your mind,” you would have felt that your friend understood your situation, and you’d feel less upset. It’s the same with children. When they realize that you listen to them and respond empathetically, they’ll be ready to open up more and also listen better.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

Listen to your child attentively

Instead of being immersed in your phone or laptop when your child needs you, give them your undivided attention. It can be discouraging for children to open up when you hardly look at them when they’re talking. After they have shared their experience with you, talk to them in a kind, empathetic way. Instead of giving them solutions right away, listen and urge them to reflect on their emotions more.

Acknowledge what they say

When your child wants to talk to you about something, listen to them with an open mind, without questioning or advising them. When your child says, “Someone stole my favorite eraser,” instead of saying, “Are you sure you didn’t lose it?” use short responses like, “Oh! I see,” or “Mmm.” This will help them know you’re listening to them intently, and not judging or blaming them. You’ll be surprised to see that they’re able to explore their feelings and thoughts more freely, and also pay heed to what you have to say later on.

Name their feelings

Help your child understand the feelings they’re going through and give them names when you respond to them. When your child says, “I fell down in school today. Everyone laughed at me,” don’t deny their feelings by saying something like, “Oh, don’t think about it. Everyone will forget about it tomorrow.” Brushing away bad feelings can make your child more upset. Instead, you can say, “Oh, that must have been embarrassing for you. That’s why you’re upset.” When children hear the words that describe how they’re feeling, they understand that you care about their emotions.

Explain the ‘Why’ behind your instructions  

We take it as our job to make our children conform to social norms. That’s why we’re always saying things like, “Wash your hands,” “Keep your hands off the dirt,” “Keep your voice down,” “Don’t talk back,” or “It’s time for bed.” These are some of the statements we use to get children to cooperate. If they don’t cooperate, we tend to blame, threaten, command, or lecture them in frustration. To a child, however, these statements may look like “rules” to make them do what we want. This can make your child feel upset or angry, lower their self-esteem, and they may become stubborn or unwilling to cooperate.

For example, when you say, “You have muddied the carpet again! How many times have I told you to remove your shoes outside?” your child may think that the carpet matters more to you than them. They may also resort to lying to evade the situation. As a step toward urging them to cooperate, it’s crucial to create an environment where they feel respected and valued.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

Describe the problem at hand

Children find it easier to tackle a situation when the problem at hand is described. It gives them an understanding of what’s wrong and what they can do to set it right. For example, instead of saying, “You forgot to switch off the light in the study room again,” try saying, “The light’s on in the study room.” This will remind your child that they need to turn it off. Rather than saying, “Enough of screen time. Hand me the phone now!” try, “I need my phone to make a call now.” This helps them understand that you need the phone and that they must hand it back. This approach works better than threatening to cut off their screen time.

Give them information instead of blame

Rather than accusing your child of something, give them information about the situation. “If you scribble on the walls again, you’ll be grounded!” might not go down well with your kid. Instead, say, “Walls are not meant for scribbling. Here, you can use this paper instead.” If they keep forgetting to throw away the food waste in their room, say, “Food waste belongs in the trash. Can you throw it in the bin?”

Use fewer words for clearer communication 

We tend to lecture our kids when we feel frustrated that they don’t listen to us. Long rants often dilute the message we are trying to tell our children. Just try using a few words (maybe even one) to help them jog their memory about something they need to do. For example, say, “Kids, plates,” to remind them to take their plates to the sink after dinner. This works better than constant reminders and long lectures about how they don’t help you out.

Express your feelings calmly and honestly

When you talk to your child about how you feel about a situation, without hurting them, and they realize you’re honest with them, they tend to listen and communicate better. For example, instead of saying, “You left the window open again! How many times do I have to tell you not to?” you can say, “It bothers me when you leave the window open because then the flies get in.” When your child repeatedly interrupts you for attention, say, “I feel frustrated when you don’t let me finish speaking.”

Avoid punishment and focus on teaching responsibility  

Sometimes, even if you do and say all the right things, children might not listen. They might ignore or even defy you. And all you can think of when all hell breaks loose is to teach them a lesson—by punishing them. “How else will they know what they did was wrong?” or “They don’t understand unless we punish them” or “Sometimes I get so frustrated that I don’t know what else to do to make them listen to me”—these might be the thoughts running through your mind. Now think about how you felt when your parents punished you when you were a child. Did you feel guilty? Sad? Defiant? Upset? Did you feel like you let them down? Your child feels the same way, too. While children must know the consequences of their behavior, punishment is not the way.

Consider the following scenario.

Deepak loves playing with his friends after school. His mom asks him to be home by 6 p.m., but he often gets home late. Deepak’s mom asks him to check the time while playing, so that he can get home earlier. The next day, he checks the time, and it’s already 6:15 p.m. He rushes home, not wanting to upset his mom. He explains to her that he did check the time, but it was already too late, and that he had run all the way home.

What would you do in this situation? Most of us would say, “How many times do I need to tell you to be home by six o’clock every evening? No more playing after school with your friends!” This approach will make your child sulk, but not change their behavior.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

Express disapproval without hurting your child

It’s important to let your child know that something they did was not okay. For example, in the above scenario, you can say, “I see that you’ve made an effort to be on time, but you were still late. It makes me upset. I expect you to be home by six o’clock every evening.”

Offer them a choice 

After multiple instances of reminding your child to be on time, offer them a choice. Explain the consequences they might have to face if they don’t behave responsibly. For example, you can say, “You can either choose to come home early to continue playing with your friends, or you can come home straight after school.”

Brainstorm solutions together  

In order to come to a mutual understanding, sit down with your child and problem-solve together. Address your child’s feelings by saying, “I understand that it’s not easy for you to stop playing abruptly and leave while your friends are still playing.” Then, express your feelings and emotions. Say, “But I worry about you when you’re late.” Then brainstorm together for a mutually agreeable solution. “Let’s see if we can come up with ideas to make this situation better and both of us happy,” you can say. Note down both of your ideas and review them together. See which ones you like, which you don’t, and agree on one that you plan on following.

Appreciate your child in ways that build confidence

Appreciation builds your child’s self-esteem and confidence, helping them problem-solve and make better decisions. Appreciation is also an important part of communicating with your child, and when done in the right way, it can be rewarding. Praising is tricky—it can make your child doubt you, lead to denial, or be mistaken for manipulation. For example, if your child asks you, “How is my drawing?” and you say, “It’s really beautiful,” they may think that you don’t actually like their drawing. So, what’s the right way to appreciate your child?

WHAT YOU CAN DO

Praise descriptively to build awareness and strengths

Instead of stopping with responses like “Good” or “It’s beautiful,” describe what you see. For example, looking at your child’s drawing, you can say, “Wow, I love the way you have used different shades of green for the trees and the bushes. I also like how you have drawn rocks in different shapes.” This will help your child become more aware and appreciative of their strengths.

You can also add a descriptive word that sums up the noteworthy performance of your child at the end of your descriptive praise. For example, when your child returns home after play, you can say, “You said you’d be home by six o’clock, and it’s exactly six o’clock now. This is what I call punctuality.” You can use other words like perseverance, determination, resourcefulness, or self-control to let your child know how you perceive their behavior.

Building a two-way communication habit with your child

It can be a challenging task to shift our attitude from telling our children what to do to hearing them out first and considering their choices. However, this change will help you and your child listen to each other, communicate, and bond better. Remember to avoid thinking of your child’s behavior as a “problem” that needs to be corrected. Don’t worry that your child will take advantage of you if you’re not tough on them. Sit down with your child and come up with solutions that will work for both of you. After all, communication is a two-way street—to be heard, you need to listen first!