How To Get Your Kids To Listen Without Yelling: Calm And Effective Parenting Tips

Mom: Arjun, we have 15 minutes before we leave for the picnic. Why don't you put on your shoes and then play?

Arjun continues to play ball while humming a song in the driveway.

Five minutes later.

Mom: Arjun, you still haven't worn your shoes! We'll be late. Come on, put them on now!

Another five minutes later.

Mom: Where are your shoes? Why haven't you worn them yet? WHY DON'T YOU LISTEN TO ME?

No response. Arjun continues to play ball.

At the end of fifteen minutes, 4-year-old Arjun still hasn't worn the shoes. His mother starts yelling, and his father is waiting in the car.

His frazzled mom asks, "Why don't you listen, Arjun?"

Puzzled, he replies, "Mumma, I don't hear you."

Does this sound familiar? Sometimes, getting your child to listen can be very challenging. What can you do in such a case? Communication is an integral part of any relationship, and good communication helps in developing a positive relationship between parents and children.

While the onus of communication lies more on the parents, it can be frustrating when you feel that your child just doesn't listen to you. After all, you're a human being, and wanting to be heard is a primal need for all of us. Putting your needs aside, your child needs to listen to you for their own good. In the younger years, listening and speaking are crucial skills your child is developing. Then, why doesn't your child listen?

There could be many reasons.

1. Your child is too busy playing or watching TV

If your child is already engaged in an interesting activity, such as drawing, playing in the park, or watching TV, they may be too busy to listen. Imagine you're engrossed in a great TV show or a book, and suddenly someone interrupts you, even though it's someone you love dearly. How do you feel? It's the same for your child, except that they don't get too bothered because they simply don't listen. It's not like they don't want to, it's just that, like you, they're engrossed in whatever they're doing. For your child, transitioning from one activity to another takes time.

Here's what you can do:

Before interrupting your child, reflect on whether what you want to say is important enough to stop them from doing what they're enjoying so much. That snack can wait, and it would be okay to take a nap later than usual on one day, right?

If, however, it's something important or urgent, then you have no option.

• Start by letting your child know that they have 5-10 more minutes to wind up what they're doing, and if necessary, simply set a timer.
• Remind them one or two times, and then provide clear instructions. Even then, you have to realize that simply giving an instruction won't work.
• Go down to your child's eye level, gently put your hand on their shoulder or arm, and then say whatever you want in a clear and firm statement. Make eye contact, be clear but polite.
• Explain to your child why they need to stop doing what they're doing. They may react or become upset. Acknowledge their feelings to make the transition smooth.

Here's what you can say:

• "Hey, I know you're busy, but I need to talk to you for a second."
• "That looks like so much fun! Grandma's waiting for us at lunch, and after we're done, we'll come back to this. Maybe you can talk about your drawing at lunch?"
• "You need to get dressed for piano class in five minutes. Please come inside and get dressed after another round on the bicycle."

Here's what not to say:

• "Come on, wind up now. We have no time left to do this. Get up and let's go!"
• "It's not a big deal, you can do this anytime." 
• "Why do you always have to start playing ball when it's time to take a nap?" 

2.  Your instructions are not clear or direct

As a parent, and more so as an adult, we sometimes forget that we're talking to little children. We just expect them to listen to our instructions and understand them, but our little ones don't understand why it's so important to stop playing and get dressed right now.

If you find that your child is not responding to instructions, these could be a few possible reasons:

Your instructions are too long

For instance:

"Mehul, please put your toys back into the basket. The red basket is for all your cars, and the green one is for the stuffed toys. After that, please come to the dining table for your dinner."

Here's what you can do:

• Break it down into two or more instructions. You can't expect your child to remember all of it in one go.
• Stay calm as you repeat once or twice without getting irked or irritated.
• Ask your child to repeat what you said and tell you what it means. Step-by-step instructions work better with young children.

For instance, in the above scenario, the parent can say:

"Mehul, it's time to put the toys back into the basket."

Once Mehul starts winding up, they can add, "Please put the cars in the red basket and the stuffed toys in the green one."

After he has finished, the parent can say, "It's time for dinner! Let's go to the dining table."

Your instructions are too complicated

For instance:

"Please rinse your mouth after your meals because oral hygiene is important."

Here's what you can do:

Use simple words. Keep it really simple, to the point, and clear. You may want your child to have a rich vocabulary, but it's a good idea to keep the instructions easy to understand.

For instance, in the above scenario, a simple instruction would be:

"Wash your mouth after eating. This will keep all the germs away."

You are shouting instructions

No judgment here, even the most patient parent yells sometimes. While a one-off instance is okay, when you yell, your child may become too fearful or anxious to listen. It also becomes difficult for your child to understand your instructions when you shout, because the child only hears the harsh tone and not the content.

With young children, your physical presence and attention are important. If you're in another room and shouting instructions, chances are that your child may not hear or understand them. Make sure that you walk into the room and then instruct them clearly.

Here's what you can do:

Even if your child is not doing what is being told repeatedly, yelling will not make them automatically do it.

Before getting your child to do something:

• First, calm yourself down. Breathe. Take charge of your emotions.
• Next, have your child repeat what you said so you can be sure they have understood you. If they haven't understood you, explain again, more clearly.
• Talk to them before making any assumptions. You may think your child is disrespecting you by not listening, but they may be too busy or have apprehensions about doing what you want them to do.
• Remember to give specific praise every time your child pays attention and follows your instructions: "I like how you put away your toys and got ready on time." The appreciation and attention they get for positive behavior will only motivate them to listen to you more. Remember, it's not a power struggle!

3. You don't follow through with the consequences

Here's a small quiz for you, before we explain the third reason.

Q. What should you do if your child doesn't listen to what is being told even after multiple reminders?

1. Yell at them.
2. Give warnings like "This is the last time I'm asking you."
3. Threaten to do things you're never actually going to do, like take away screen time forever.
4. Make them aware of the consequences, but forget about them later.
5. Follow through with the consequences if they don't listen.

The first option, which we've discussed earlier, won't work.

The second option may or may not work. Sometimes we end up forgetting how many times we gave our "last warning"!

The third option is also a waste of time because your child has learnt over time that you're actually not going to act on your threat. Eventually, they'll become immune to any threat you make.

The fourth option will lead your child to believe that consequences are meaningless. This can be problematic for them, even outside the home.

The fifth option is probably the toughest, although it's good for your child. And you!

Here's what you can do:

Always let your child know your expectations and what the limits and consequences are.

• When you're setting limits and consequences, involve your child in the conversation. Have them participate in the discussion about reasonable limits and let them choose the consequences.
• They may resist or be playful, but they usually end up facing the consequences of things they dislike giving up. For example, "I will give up playtime or TV time for one day." They know it's the hardest thing to do, but it also helps them listen and cooperate with you.
• Reasonable consequences work better. For example, giving up a favorite pastime for a day, rather than for a week or a month.
• Once the consequences have been laid out, ensure that you follow through with them. Otherwise, this entire process is meaningless.

When your child is not listening, simply remind them of the consequences you pre-decided together, politely yet firmly. Your child may protest or even throw a tantrum. Even in such situations, it's important to remain firm yet calm. Otherwise, the consequences are mere threats with no meaning.

Here's what you can say:

You can say, "I hope you remember the consequences we spoke about." This will give them the much-needed lesson of how all our actions have consequences.

"I know you're having fun watching this movie, but we've already made a rule about how much TV we can watch. You can finish the movie tomorrow. That way, you get to finish the movie without breaking any rules!"

"You have helped Mumma make all the decisions. Now, can you help me in making sure we stick to them? Thank you so much for being so helpful!"

Here's what not to say:

"You broke the rules. Now, you have to face the punishment!"

"See, this is what happens when you don't listen to me!"

4. Your child is exhibiting autonomy

With younger children and then again with teens, not listening to what is told feels like a way of being in control. Your child needs enough opportunities to exert this control or power and feel like they're in charge. When they can listen to you but choose not to, they're simply expressing their need to have more control.

Here's what you can do:

If your child is being a rebel without a cause, it's time for you to have a heart-to-heart conversation with them. Reflect on whether there could be something bothering them.

• Are they going through a major transition?
• Are they having difficulty learning something new?

You simply need to observe and then empathize. You can also ensure your child has ample choices on a day-to-day basis and is allowed to make some decisions, within reasonable limits, of course.

Here's what not to do:

It's not a good idea to make all the decisions for your child. Once you have mutually agreed on certain consequences, allow your child to choose what they want to do. Allow them to make mistakes, and when they do, don't say, "See, I told you so!". Even if you know that the choice your child is making is not ideal, give them the space to make it (make sure it is not at the cost of safety).

Let's again look at the first scenario where Arjun was busy playing with the ball and didn't wear his shoes on time. His mother would have been less hassled if she:

• Understood he was busy playing.
• Came down to his eye level and reminded him of the trip to grandma's house.
• Told him clearly that he had five more minutes to play.
• Came back after five minutes and reminded him to bring the shoes of his choice.
• Had him wear the shoes, thanked him for doing so, and left.

It's natural to feel flustered when you feel your child never listens to you. However, it may be wise to ask yourself: Does my child really never listen?

• Imagine being a child and having people make all the decisions for you.
• Imagine being told what to do all the time. And worse, being told what not to do: don't play right now, don't touch that, don't pick that up. It's not easy for your child either.

You can ask yourself:

• Do I really listen to my child?
• Do I simply listen without judgment and without follow-up advice?
• Am I listening to my child the way I wanted to be listened to when I was a child?

And the next time you think your child never listens, remember this: Your child listens, sees, observes, watches, internalizes, and feels. Even when you don't say anything to them.

In a nutshell

1. Your child may not be listening to you for many reasons. It doesn't always have to mean that they are disrespecting you.
2. Young children often need to be reminded about what is told. They are easily distracted and keep busy, too.
3. You may have to change your communication to make it simpler, crisp, and easily understandable to your child.

What you can do right away

1. Observe and identify a situation in which your child, most likely, does not listen. If you do find that a pattern exists, talk to your child about it.
2. Involve your child in drafting the rules and the consequences in advance. You'll be surprised at what consequences your child comes up with!
3. When your child doesn't listen even after repeated instructions, take a breather and calm yourself down before talking to your child.

Reviewed by Meghna Singhal, PhD. 

Last updated: July 15, 2025

Also read:

4 Tips To Improve Your Child's Listening Skills

How To Teach Obedience To A Three-Year-Old