Parenting

How To Say No To Your Child Without Guilt: Smart Ways To Handle Pester Power

Answered by Team ParentCircle

Research shows that children, as young as 2 years old, can recognize brand names. By age 6, they know the latest fashion trends. Most ad campaigns are designed to attract kids because brands know that children can influence their parents’ purchase decisions. What do you do when your child wants everything they see on TV? It's not easy to always say 'no' to your child, especially when it leads to a huge tantrum or meltdown. Arundhati Swamy, Counselor and Head - Parent Engagement Programs at ParentCircle, answers your questions and provides insights into how you can handle your child's pester power.

1. My 7-year-old daughter has started demanding a lot of things she sees on TV—toys, clothing, and even make-up! She already has too many toys and dresses. I usually say 'No' when she demands these things, and try to explain why we must restrict our purchases for the sake of the environment and how we are more fortunate than others. But she nags me and, sometimes, I give in. How do I help her understand the difference between needs and wants?
— Maya, Bhopal

Maya, your 7-year-old is indeed a Little Miss, and quite rightly, you know that something is amiss! Believe us when we say this feeling is the bane of scores of mothers just like you. Be it television or videos, the supermarket or the mall, they all have the power to lure children into the 'I want' trap. But you can't let this go on, can you? So, here's what you can do.

Focus on what you can control, such as working things out with your child. A bit of self-reflection is a good starting point. How much have you contributed to your daughter's collection of toys and clothes? Did you buy her that lovely dress because it looked so pretty or because the bargain price was irresistible? What about the gifts you bought her just because you could afford to? If you're feeling guilty right now, it's okay. You just didn't foresee that these indulgences would turn your child into a hard-to-say-no-to child. And guilt can nudge you toward change.

Here are a few tips to help your child:

• Ask your daughter to help you do an inventory of things in your home. Together, decide to give away things you no longer need or use. Have fun as you go along, talking about who gifted you what, the things you bought for yourself, and so on.
• Next, offer to help her do an inventory of all her possessions. Encourage her to give to the needy, clothes she has outgrown, duplicate toys, or those she has lost interest in. Do allow her to retain things she chooses, even if you think otherwise. A show of respect for her choices would make her more congenial and cooperative.
• Talk to each other about what it felt like to give to the needy, and what the whole experience meant to each of you. Keep it simple, devoid of complex philosophy.
• For a child who is used to having her way, a sudden change could confuse her as well as make her feel unhappy. Instead of saying no to her demands, ask her to come up with a wish list. You could give her pocket money every month, and when she has enough money to buy certain things, or when it's her birthday, she can choose a couple of items from the list. This helps avoid the need for instant gratification.
• Prepare the ground for saying no to your child. Every day, spend at least 10 to 15 minutes of uninterrupted, gadget-free time with your daughter, chatting, playing, working in the kitchen, singing, dancing, sharing stories, making up stories—anything spontaneous, light-hearted, and enjoyable. Within these warm, caring, fun-filled moments, your daughter begins to value the time you spend together, and her need for emotional connection with you is fulfilled. Research tells us that children who grow up within a nurturing family environment are more likely to cooperate with family rules and boundaries.
• As your child continues to enjoy the time you spend together, carefully bring up issues around building a sustainable environment, the need to recycle and reuse to avoid exploitation of natural resources, and to share with those in need.
• Be aware of what video content your daughter is viewing. Many TV programs are sponsored by companies whose products are featured in the stories. This is a subtle marketing strategy that gets children wanting to have them all. It's highly possible that her interest in make-up was stirred by some of these videos. Yes, little girls do like to imitate their mothers and use their mothers' cosmetics, but there's a difference. They're satisfied with the momentary pleasure derived from playing with their mom's lipstick or powder. However, strong marketing messages cleverly concealed in innocent-looking stories in videos can make a child feel worthless unless they own those products.

Maya, we hope these tips will help your daughter distinguish between needs and wants. And those occasional indulgences with your daughter will become extra-special treats for her, just because you love her so much!

2. My daughter has this knack for spotting and demanding expensive stuff, be it dolls, shoes, or accessories. Honestly, we can't afford to buy all that she wants. Is it okay to talk to her about our financial situation? She's just 8, and I am worried that discussing our money problems with her may stress her out.
— Ashwin, New Delhi

Ashwin, isn't it amazing how children are attracted to the fanciest and expensive stuff? The truth is that supermarkets and malls are purposely designed to lead you through their aisles filled with eye-catching products. The strategic placement of goods works on your psyche, tempting you to buy them. And children's goodies are placed at their eye level and within their reach. Besides, much as you may want your child to have at least some of those things, money is a constraint. How does that make you feel as a father? Resentful? Frustrated? Or maybe you do accept the reality, but just don't know how to explain it to your daughter.

If you feel resentful or frustrated, let us help you get those difficult emotions out of the way:

• People who don't know that difficult emotions are very much part of routine life tend to spend a lot of energy wishing them away, trying to ignore them, or bottling them up inside. Instead, it helps to talk to those emotions inside you. Try to recall which of your early life experiences are associated with those emotions. Are you harboring old hurts? Painful memories of hardships could be triggered every time your child eyes an expensive item. Accept those emotions and tell yourself that you're now in charge of your life, and that you want to do the best you can with what you have. The important thing to remember is that even if you do have the means, indulging your child's demands will only make her feel more entitled.

Remember, it is not about not having enough money to buy expensive things for your child. Rather, it's about helping your 8-year-old daughter learn a very important life skill—money management.

Here's how you can support your child:

• Give your child pocket money every month. It makes her feel important and gives her the autonomy to make choices for herself. Have a family talk about how much pocket money is a reasonable amount for her to have.
• Allow her to use the money at her discretion, just so long as she doesn't borrow or ask for more when she spends it all too soon. Don't be surprised to find your daughter being extra careful with how she spends her own money.
• Make it clear to her that certain expenses will be borne by you, such as essentials for schoolwork and necessities.
• Teach your child how to save an amount from her pocket money every month.
• When she wants you to buy her something, ask her to make a small contribution toward the purchase from her savings.
• Show her how to maintain accounts. Let her see how you maintain the home accounts.
• As she grows older, share the family budget with your child, just the main sources of income, recurring expenditures, expenses for entertainment and miscellaneous items, and savings. Each time she wants you to buy something, ask her to consult the budget and see whether there's enough money available in the current month for extra spending.

These simple steps give hands-on money-handling experiences, without the fear of putting undue stress on your little daughter. And you don't have to talk about money problems with her. Let the family budget do the talking!

3. When my 6-year-old demands something that I feel is not necessary, I try to explain why I think so. In return, I promise to spend half an hour with her doing an activity she enjoys. Last week, we painted a picture together and had a nice time. So, this strategy has worked for me most of the time. Yesterday, she wanted to watch a TV program with me well past her bedtime, and when I said a firm 'No,' she was unhappy. I would like more tips on how to respond to my daughter's demands.
— Sumathy, Chennai

Sumathy, kudos for the three things that you're doing right—offering a reason when saying no to your child, saying yes to an alternative activity, and doing the activity along with your daughter. These are wonderful ways to build emotional connections of safety and trust with her. We would like to suggest that you take your interactions to the next level by helping your daughter think things over before she asks for something.

The next time she wants something, instead of saying no, try using these questions to start a meaningful conversation about what she wants to have or do:

• You seem to be very interested in it. Tell me more about it.
• Describe it to me. How did you get to know about it?
• How do you plan to use it? How much does it cost?
• If you have it, how will it make you feel about yourself?
• How would you feel if you didn't have it?

You can encourage your daughter to learn to think about what she wants before she asks you for something on an impulse. Thinking about her demands will help her develop self-assessment skills. She'll learn to first evaluate a demand—Do I need to watch TV now? Is it a priority? This will guide her towards making well-thought-out decisions.

Sumathy, you said your child is unhappy when you say no to her. Feeling unhappy about something is a very normal human response. So you must give your child the time and space to experience the feeling. Most often, she can overcome it on her own, but sometimes she will need your help to deal with the disappointment or anger. You can say with empathy, "Aww, you really don't like it when I don't allow you to watch TV. I know how that feels." Then you can redirect her attention by saying, "How about we read a storybook together for a few minutes till you fall asleep."

Children will be children, so we can't expect them not to ask for things. The occasional indulgence is fine. But we must help them learn valuable self-management skills, such as how to postpone gratification, deal with disappointments, and develop patience.

This answer is helpful for 0 parents

More FAQs

• How Parents Can Manage Their Own Exam Stress And Support Children With Calm Confidence

• Child Easily Distracted While Studying? Practical Ways To Improve Focus and Motivation

• Helping Teens With Career Decisions: Expert Tips To Guide Teenagers Toward The Right Path

• How To Handle Kid's Disappointment When Plans Get Canceled: 4-Step Parenting Strategy (The SIFT Way)

• Why Some Children Worry About Germs And How Parents Can Guide Them with Confidence

• Eye Care Tips To Keep Your Child's Vision Healthy And Strong