Parenting

How To Cultivate Responsibility In Children Through Age-Appropriate Chores

Answered by Team ParentCircle

I have a 13-year-old daughter. I’ve never insisted on her doing any chores in the house or given her any responsibility in the house. I admit she is a pampered child but not spoilt. This summer vacation I would like to encourage her and guide her to start helping out at home. In a few years she’ll leave for college and be on her own, I would like it if she can be responsible for herself and be efficient in taking care of herself. I would like to approach this positively and not overburden or pressurize her. How do I go about it?

– Priyanka, Bengaluru

Priyanka, your thoughtful query takes us to one of the most critical social-emotional skills all children must learn—independence and self-reliance. You’re right about wanting your child to become responsible and self-reliant. But we’re also curious. Was it a sudden aha moment of realization? Or was it at the back of your mind for a while? Nevertheless, we’re happy to be your guide as you tread this new path in your parenting journey. And we welcome all other parents to hitch a ride as they prepare to help their children learn a few life skills.

Although nurturing independence in children is the primary responsibility of parents, children are naturally inclined to seek independence right from their birth. The earliest signs of this are evident. Can you remember when your baby would push away your hand and purse her lips to let you know she’d had enough to eat? Or when she would persistently try to stand no matter how many times she fell, or how she’d grab a toy to discover it herself rather than follow your lead? And when she expressed a vehement “Me do” with her growing speech and language skills? All those were signs of her growing sense of independence, in action! And beneath it all she was taking big baby steps in building her sense of self-esteem. Raising an independent child is a tactful balancing act between being attentive and responsive to your child and allowing her to acquire skills, even as she makes mistakes, learns and adapts.

So, Priyanka, you now have a narrow window of opportunity to work with your child while she is still very much under your influence and control. So it’s time to get going.

School life does train children to be responsible in many ways, and your child may have already acquired a few skills like caring for her belongings, managing her studies and classwork, and accepting responsibilities during events. Unless there have been complaints all along and you did not know what to do about them.

So, let’s get down to brass tacks. The holidays are a suitable time to introduce change when both of you are more relaxed and freer from the school routine. You’ll be spending a lot more time together at home. Should you dive straight into the matter or not? There really is no fixed way of doing this. It all depends on your child’s temperament. What do you think would work best for her, driving straight to the point or otherwise?

Here are a few ways you could start a conversation:

1. Focus on yourself. Competent as you are in managing your home, a little help is always welcome, isn’t it? A smooth-running household where everything is taken care of makes children unaware of all the hard work it takes. So, talk about your need for help around the house. It could make your daughter sit up and listen.

2. Together, plan for the holidays. Each of you can make a wish list and share it with each other. Be sure to mention the help you look forward to having from your child. There are bound to be a few surprises and laughs. And it’s an easy lighthearted way to state your expectations and explain them clearly to your child.

3. Peek into the future. Bring up the topic on what she thinks college life would be like. This could be a huge revelation for each of you. Be prepared for a few more surprises along the way. You and your daughter can make separate lists of the skills she would require as a college student. If your daughter is a person who likes to do everything on her own, then mention that she needs to learn the skill of asking for help when she needs it! Compare your lists, and together decide you’ll make a start during the holidays.

4. Be straightforward and say, “I think it’s time we rearranged the way things are done in our home.” A firm, matter-of-fact approach often jolts children into action. It’s like they never realized there were things to be done!

Priyanka, see which of these suggestions could work for your child. Or just reading these ideas may spark your own. Once you zero in on an appropriate way to start the conversation, go ahead and see what happens. Hopefully, there would be a happy mix of thoughtfulness, fun, humor and some serious deliberations, provided you’re ready to take the whole exercise in your stride.

Next on your agenda is the action plan for the holidays. A lot of children are averse to the word “plan.” They’ve heard it once too often from adults at home and school, and you can almost hear them say, “It’s vacation time anyways, let’s not do any serious stuff.” So try replacing the word plan with something less loaded, like, “Let’s see what’s doable.” Also, using terms like “family rules” can be a big turnoff for many teens.

Here are a few tips to help you get started. Do try out these stress-free suggestions.

• Hang out together

Get your child to hang out with you while you do the chores. You could say, “I could do with some good company today. How about you just hang around awhile? I’ll tell you some interesting stories.” Children love to hear anecdotes about their childhood and yours too. And you may casually slip in, “Could you just hold this for me?” to get your child to effortlessly help you in little ways.

• Bust the boredom

We make meaning of things by the ideas and images we see, and of course we have a favorite. Try to identify your child’s favorite approach to learning. Is it about listening, seeing, doing, smelling, tasting? If listening is her strength, music, stories or just chatting could make tasks interesting. If she likes images and pictures, then let her go wild with her imagination as she invents crazy ways the tasks can be done. Do certain smells excite her? Try to infuse them in your environment. Sometimes just imagining them can be as effective. Is taste a winner for her? Talk about foods that excite her taste buds, even munch on some energy goodies as she helps with a chore.

• Start small

Introduce her to a different chore or two each day so it won’t feel like all her time is going to be about doing the chores. Try to see which ones she likes or dislikes. Then ask her to tell you her likes and dislikes. How right or wrong were your guesses? You just took a step in getting to know your child’s preferences. Remember to appreciate her good company and thank her for helping you.

• Become partners

A week or 10 days into your joint venture, list the main daily and weekly chores to be done in your home—laundry, mealtime duties, kitchen work, cleaning, tidying and so on. Then ask your child which chores she would be happy to help with. Remember, allowing her to choose will give her a sense of ownership and responsibility.

• Keep it light and fun

You could try having a lucky dip. Have your child make slips with a chore written on each one and store them in a jar. Every week she can dip into the jar and pick slips. And do leave room for negotiation. It’s a most useful life skill to learn and practice within the safety of family relationships.

• Swap the chores

Just for added interest you could tidy each other’s rooms. Do be patient if she chooses to move things around a bit. To avoid any major disruptions you can tell each other which things should definitely stay where they are. This way you get to know each other’s pet peeves and preferences. Acceptance and adaptability are the important skills your child could develop.

• Boost self-esteem

Build on the skills your child is already using to manage and be responsible for her schoolwork, extracurricular activities, self-care, and minding her personal belongings. Encourage her to add a few daily chores to her impressive list of growing skills.

• Teach money management

Gradually introduce your child to the next level of responsibilities—money management. Show her how you prepare the monthly family budget, shop for groceries, place orders online, how you pay bills and taxes. Provide your child with hands-on learning opportunities. Take her along to the supermarket. Give her money and a separate list of groceries to shop. Let her handle the payment process. Your watchful eyes could make her feel a bit nervous, so try to look away. Step in only when she asks for help.

As your child grows in confidence encourage her to run errands on her own. She will begin to feel more capable and competent. Assisting you in money matters could turn your child into a responsible money manager.

• Try new things

Together you can embark on a small home-improvement project, or a family vacation, or anything attractive enough to keep the enthusiasm and interest flowing. Face challenges, make mistakes, accept things beyond your control, anticipate challenges, improvise, think on your feet and problem-solve together. When you make your home a vibrant and experimental space for learning through challenges, failures and successes, your child will learn to build emotional resilience.

• Evaluate the skills

Set out simple tasks such as folding the clothes and keeping a frozen food out to thaw. Then make your expectations clear before you step out of home for an hour. See if she remembered to complete the tasks. Independence is about her being self-reliant. Responsibility is about how she manages herself.

• Run errands

This is a sure way to get your child to practice multiple skills—keeping safe, managing money, interacting with people, making decisions. Going out on her own ensures she learns how to get to a place and return home. Go over the route she must take, the locations she must stop at and the items she must bring back. Talk about her experiences and appreciate her efforts even if she was a bit confused.

• Model flexibility

Be firm yet flexible. It’s okay if she leaves a chore undone sometimes and enjoys the feeling of sheer relief (it’s like getting a free period in school!). And occasionally, help your child complete a chore or offer to do it when she’s super busy with something important. You’d be setting the stage for “give and take,” empathy and caring. It works like magic, so don’t be surprised when she returns the gesture in double measure!

Priyanka, take it slow and easy as you try these tips. And do remember that you’ll both experience lots of different emotions along the way. Accept them and be constantly aware of their impact on each of you. Take a small break from your efforts if either of you feels overwhelmed. We sincerely hope that you’ll successfully work along with your child and soon find that she is indeed learning how to be a more responsible child at home. We wish you all the best!

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