Things Mentally Strong Parents Don't Do...And Why

She was just 23 when her mother passed away from a brain aneurysm. Then, at the third anniversary of her mother's death, her husband passed away just as suddenly. She was trying to overcome her grief and move on with life when her father-in-law, a person she had grown close to, was diagnosed with cancer. She started thinking about how unfair it was to lose another person so close to her in such a short span of time.

Given the tragic sequence of events, she could have easily slipped into a sea of sorrow. But, she reminded herself that mentally strong people don't feel sorry for themselves. As a clinical social worker and psychotherapist, she had a wealth of experience helping people with grief. And with that, she sat down and wrote a list of all the things mentally strong people don't do.

She published her list on her blog, hoping someone else might find it useful. Within days, the list went viral. It got picked up by Forbes and garnered millions of views. She came up with a book based on the list, which soon became an international bestseller - '13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do'.

Flooded by requests from parents, who wanted to know how to instil mental strength in their children, she decided to write another book- ''13 things mentally strong parents don't do'.

Meet Amy Morin, Professor of psychology at Northeastern University (USA), psychotherapist and a foster parent, as she decodes mental strength.

When we contacted her for a conversation, despite her busy schedule, she promptly agreed. Her responses reveal why she is such a crusader when it comes to the importance of building mental strength. Excerpts from a truly engaging conversation. It's a ParentCircle Exclusive:

Thank you, Amy for agreeing for this interview. It is an honour for us to be interacting with you. Here are excerpts from our interview:

In your book '13 things mentally strong parents don't do' you emphasise what mentally strong parents don't do, versus what they do? What prompted you to come up with this list?

I've built my career on helping people give up the bad habits that hold them back. Most people know what things they want to do-but it's hard to recognize those unhealthy little habits that can be counterproductive.

After my first book, 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do, came out, readers kept asking me how to raise mentally strong children. So I wrote this book to teach parents how to become mental strength coaches for their children.

Through my work as a therapist and my experience as a foster parent, I know it's possible for children of all ages and backgrounds to become mentally strong. But it's essential for the adults in their lives to be invested in helping them practice the exercises that will help them become stronger

Can you explain what it means to be mentally strong? Is it the same as being resilient?

Resilience is often talked about in terms of bouncing back from adversity. And while that's part of mental strength, it's not all of it.

Mental strength is what you need to reach your greatest potential, during good times and bad. It has three parts- regulating you thoughts (not overly positive, not overly negative, but thinking realistically), controlling your emotions (you have control over how you feel- you can take steps to calm yourself down when angry, for example), and taking positive action (irrespective of the circumstances). It's all about choices you make every day.

So mental strength is about thinking, feeling and behaving your best. It is a set of skills we can all learn to sharpen. You can be mentally strong and still have depression or anxiety. Just like you can have diabetes and still be physically strong. It might be more complicated for you, but it's still about the choices you make every day. People confuse being mentally strong with acting tough.

In your book, you talk about how parents who parent out of fear tend to have anxious children. The connection seems direct.

Fear is contagious. If you spend all your time trying to avoid things that make you feel anxious, your children will learn to do that too. As a parent, it is important you invest in healthy coping strategies for yourself so that your child watches you deal with fear in a healthy way.

You can also proactively teach your child strategies for increasing courage (rather than reducing fear). Guide your children as they face their fears one step at a time. Teach them how they can reframe their thoughts that fuel their anxiety and show them that they're more capable and competent than their brain will give them credit for.

Fear on the one hand and guilt on the other. Parenting can be a tough business.

Guilt is an uncomfortable emotion. The easiest way to get rid of guilty feelings is to give in to your child. But, that's not always what's best for your children.

To determine whether your guilt is justified, you can ask yourself these 4 questions:

1. Did I do something that negatively affected my child?
2. Is there something I can change?
3. What can I do differently?
4. Is there something I can do to make amends with my child?

It's important to learn that guilt and parenting go hand-in-hand. You need to learn healthy ways to cope with guilty feelings so you can say no to your child and set healthy limits. Drawing inaccurate conclusions (e.g., all good mothers have clean houses) isn't helpful.

What would you tell a mother who ends up in a power struggle with her young child for the smallest of situations?

I'd tell her that every time she loses her temper or engages in an argument, she gives her child power over her. It's important to set limits and follow through with consequences, rather than waste time and energy arguing with children.

Parents can empower themselves by setting the terms-for example, say "you can eat a cookie when you're done eating your broccoli" and NOT agree when your child suggests "I'll only eat my broccoli only if you give me two cookies." Parents can also empower themselves by following through with consequences-for example, instead of arguing about bedtime for thirty minutes and ultimately allowing your child to delay bedtime, say "if you don't get into bed now, you won't be allowed to play the game tomorrow."

....so, we shouldn't give in. But what if children take it to the level of self-harm? You described an example in your book about a girl who started cutting herself every time her parents wouldn't allow her to go to a party.

It's important to recognise what is actually an extreme behaviour. Seek professional help when it is. But it's also important to give children a healthy dose of power, so they feel they have some say in their life. Give them choices you can live with. You may ask things like "Do you want to do your homework first or your chores first? Do you want to wear a blue shirt today or a red one?" A little leeway helps them become independent and gives them a certain degree of control over their circumstances.

You talked about a 'praise and criticism sandwich'. Interesting parenting 'recipe'...What does it taste like?

Children need to know what they're doing well as well as the steps they can take to improve. A good way to provide such feedback is to offer praise, criticism, and then praise again.

An example might be, "Thank you for picking up your room. I see, however, that your bookshelf is still really messy and it's important to straighten that up. But I really like the way you made your bed."

You also mention an exercise of teaching children to replace their blue thoughts with their true thoughts. Can you share your 'thoughts' on this?

Blue thoughts are the thoughts that are just too negative to be true. BLUE stands for Blaming everyone, Looking for bad news, Unhappy guessing and (being) Exaggeratedly negative. You can help your child learn to recognize when a thought is unrealistically negative and teach her to reframe those things into something more realistic. For example, when your child insists things never go right or she's always in trouble, help her find exceptions to the rule. Say something like, "What's the one time when things did go right?"

Rather than always reassuring your child that she's going to be OK, when you understand the process of replacing blue thoughts with true thoughts, you can teach your child to reframe her thoughts on her own.

You've extensively talked about the importance of letting children experience pain.

Children need to learn that they're capable of handling tough situations. Equally, you don't want to expose them to things until they're emotionally equipped. So, make sure your child has plenty of healthy coping skills to deal with the realities of life before you let them deal with those things on their own.

Dealing with things on their own also requires a strong emotional quotient. How can one help a child recognise an emotion as a friend or an enemy?

Feelings aren't either all good or all bad. Every emotion can be a friend or an enemy depending on the situation. For example, anger is a friend when it helps you stand up to social injustice. But it might be an enemy if it causes your child to get into a fight and gets him in trouble.

You can teach your child to start asking himself if his emotions are a friend or an enemy right now. If it's an enemy, he can take steps to change how he feels.

Finally, back to your book - How did you arrive at a list of 13? Is this your magic number?

My first book was based on 13 things-and I wanted the parenting book to teach parents how to raise children who don't grow up to do the things mentally strong people don't do. So, it made sense to include the 13 parenting habits that will help children avoid those unhealthy habits that will drain them of mental strength.

In a Nutshell

• Mental strength is a set of skills that entails thinking, feeling, and behaving at your best
• You need to learn healthy ways to cope with guilty feelings so you can say no to your child and set healthy limits.
• Parents can avoid power struggles by setting firm limits and following through on consequences
• Help your child learn to recognise when a thought is unrealistically negative and guide her to reframe them into something more realistic

What you can do right away

• Give your child simple choices - do you want to wear a blue shirt or red shirt?
• If your child expresses fear don't brush it aside - acknowledge it and direct her to more realistic thoughts - child says there are monsters hiding under her bed. Explore together with a flash light to see if there are any monsters
• Use a praise criticism sandwich to provide feedback to your child

Also read:

How to make your child mentally stronger

Factors affecting your child's mental health

Benefits of sports for students: Deepika Kumari

About the expert:

Amy Morin is a psychology lecturer at Northeastern University in the US. She is a regular columnist for the Forbes Magazine and Psychology Today. Her articles reach more than 2 million readers every month. She is also a TEDx speaker. Her talk 'The secret to becoming mentally strong' was viewed more than 8 million times. She has been dubbed by The Guardian as the 'Self-help guru of the moment'. Her books have been translated into 36 languages.

About the author:

Interviewed by Meghna Singhal, PhD. Reviewed on January 25, 2021.

Dr. Singhal is a clinical psychologist and Parenting Coach at ParentCircle. She has a doctorate degree in clinical psychology from NIMHANS (Bangalore) and holds a post-doctorate in parenting from the University of Queensland (Australia).

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