Parenting

What If You Don’t Like Your Child’s Friend?

Answered by Team ParentCircle

My 10-year-old daughter Aditi wants to attend an extracurricular class with a friend. I’m not comfortable with the friend, and I don’t favor the idea of my daughter joining the class with her. How do I deal with this situation? How can I make my daughter understand my concerns and help her handle the disappointment?

– Priyanka, New Delhi

It’s always a tricky situation when a parent has an issue with their child’s friend. And you have to tread carefully because friends mean so much to each other. Imposing restrictions on what they want to do together usually ends up in conflict. Unless you try a different approach.

Priyanka, you believe you have genuine reasons for your concerns. While it’s great that you recognize your daughter will need your help, would you care to step back and understand the deeper reasons for your decision? It’s always helpful to explore life experiences that lead you to make decisions on behalf of your child. You could come across as being controlling and unreasonable. A better long-term solution to the situation would be to work things out together. The mutual sharing would strengthen your daughter’s ability to solve problems, besides building her trust in you.

Here’s what you could do:

Understand the triangular relationship

Caught in the midst of your conflict with her friend, your daughter wants to please you and please herself too. The three-way dynamics are complex:

• You care deeply about your child and have her best interests in mind
• The two girls are good friends and share a common interest
• You have deep reservations about your daughter’s friend

Each one of you feels that your needs and preferences are important. So, deal with the issue in ways that help the situation and keep your relationship intact.

Let’s look at ways for you and your child to arrive at a win-win solution.

Examine your concerns

It helps to first take a closer look at your worries. What exactly makes you uncomfortable about Aditi’s friend? Do take the time to reflect upon it. Examine all your thoughts until you’re able to drill down to the core reason. This is a key step because it gives you greater clarity. Otherwise, your reasons will remain vague in your mind, and they will appear unconvincing to Aditi. Also, it’s easier to explore a specific feeling rather than a mass of unnamed feelings. Next, try to analyze the feeling—where it’s coming from, why this feeling has been triggered by the friend, whether it’s justified. This self-searching could help you break the cycle of negative thoughts.

Share your concerns

You mean well for your child, so quite naturally you believe that restrictions will protect her. But what could really work for both of you is a chat. You could say, “Aditi, this is what I’m worried about. How can you help me?” When you speak about yourself rather than point your finger at the friend, you’re giving Aditi a chance to do two things—explain her perspective and listen to your perspective.

Problem-solve together

For example, if you’re worried that the friend’s competitive nature will overpower Aditi, ask her how she might deal with it. Pose a hypothetical scenario and have Aditi think of ways to deal with it. This makes her think things through and list out at least two to three ways she could respond in a particular situation. And they could still be friends and do things together. This process also empowers Aditi with emotional skills to manage competition at any level and in any situation.

Another example of a worry could be that the friend is dominating. In this case, we would recommend that you help Aditi build her skills to stand up for herself and learn how to express herself clearly and with confidence. So, whatever be your concern, use conversations to hear each other out. Either your child will suggest workable solutions, or she may accept your decision with better clarity and understanding.

Priyanka, whatever be your reasons, applying this approach will help you decide whether it’s safe to let go of your worry. Besides, your child will appreciate the open conversations that help build trust in your relationship.

But what if you do have a solid reason and are compelled to take a firm stand? It may be something your child will understand only later on.

Here’s what you could do:

Pay attention to your feelings

• Before you try to comfort your child, it helps to first address your own feelings. Perhaps you don’t feel good about being the cause of the disappointment, and maybe the guilt adds to the confusion. When your child is unhappy, you’re unhappy. It’s the same for most parents.
• If you let the guilt get the better of you, you end up giving your child bribes, false promises and unnecessary treats just to bring back her smile. And her disappointment will keep popping up every now and then. That’s when it feels like there’s no end to it. Frustration sets in, you may say things you don’t mean, or do things you may regret. All these weaken your relationship with your child.
• So, tell yourself, “It’s normal for my child to feel unhappy about something. I can learn to accept that.” Repeat the lines until they begin to make sense to you. Do you feel the stress melting away? Accepting that it’s okay for your child to have difficult feelings is a wonderful way to prevent undue stress in yourself. With the stress out of the way you can see things more clearly.

Pay attention to your child’s feelings

• Your child’s friend means a great deal to your child. So, your daughter will consider your decision to be arbitrary, unfair and unreasonable, and feel disappointed, sad and angry all at once. Remember that her emotional reactions are normal, so give her the space to vent her feelings or to withdraw from you for a while.
• Look for a moment when she seems less agitated, make eye contact with her and say, “Of course you’re angry and upset and I get it. I can see you’re hurting badly. And it’s okay for you to be mad at me.”
• Allow time for your words to have the desired effect of helping her emotions settle down. Be patient and continue to interact with her in normal ways.
• Look for cues that indicate she is a little more settled—a half-smile, improved mood, more responsive to you. You could then say to her, “We can talk about it whenever you’re ready. Is now alright, or maybe this evening?”
• When you get down to talking, focus on sharing your own thoughts and feelings about the situation. Be straightforward and explain the relevant facts. She may feel overwhelmed but this time around stay by her side, comfort her as she pours her heart out to you.
• When she is calm again, discuss alternatives so that she can still have the benefit of the classes—different timings or another center.
• Give your child time to get over her unhappiness rather than hope that she must never experience discomfort and unhappiness.

Children’s friendships are very precious because they connect so well with each other. Their bonding happens over common interests and shared experiences. Yet there are times when parents will need to intervene and take a firm stand. Priyanka, whichever way it goes, we hope that your daughter and you will stay emotionally connected and continue to bond over open conversations and mutual understanding. All the best!

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