How Parents’ Relationship Shapes A Child’s Understanding Of Love and Emotional Security

Picture this: You've had an exhausting day at work, and all you want is some sleep. You walk into your house and find your little child waiting to meet you. He starts sharing his day's experience as you start cooking for a 'relaxing' evening supper, and your spouse walks in. He's had a rough day, too, and he cannot stop complaining. He takes it all out at the dinner table and then goes to bed.

Now, picture this: Same scenario. Your spouse walks in. He's had a rough day too, but he smiles at you, freshens up, and compliments you for the food you've cooked.

What children learn about love from their parents

Which situation do you think your child would prefer? In fact, which one would you?

Our idea of love begins in the home. For children, parents are their first window to the world. The way parents show care, respect, and affection towards each other and the family quietly shapes how a child understands what love really means.

Defining love through daily behaviour 

Aparna Balasundaram, parenting expert, co-founder and chief service officer of The Lighthouse Organisation, says, "Love is forgiving, love is kind, love is not jealous. Love is not a word that you use, but your actions. You need to express and show that you love someone, not just say 'I love you'."

Love is shown in everyday actions, not big gestures

The power of micro moments in family relationships

The magic of the three words 'I love you' and the little moments have a positive effect on the entire family. Arundhati Swamy, Head of Parent Engagement Programs at ParentCircle, emphasizes the significance of 'Micro Moments', a concept introduced by Professor Barbara Fredrickson, a social psychologist at the University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill. Says Arundhati, "People experience love when they experience little moments of connection. These little moments of connection are what we call micro moments."

Why small moments of connection matter to children

These micro moments of love and connection are comforting to teenagers as they adjust to hormonal, physical, and psychological changes. They need to know the power of love and happiness. Says Aparna, "Remember to label your actions. When you hug someone or appreciate someone, your child begins to associate those actions with love."

Talking to children about love, emotions, and growing up

How often have you said 'I love you' to your spouse? Or, sat together and exchanged smiles? Also, ask yourself how frequently you have fought with your spouse. If your fights are more frequent than your micro moments of love, then your conflict wouldn't have gone unnoticed by your child. Children can also sense any discord in the family. Take my little nephew, for example. He is just two, but he can easily feel any tension brewing at home. When it comes to displaying affection, parents must practice restraint, as teens are easily embarrassed.

When conflicts overshadow the connection at home

Those 'little' fights

Arguments are common in any relationship. At times, even a small argument can escalate into a big fight. And, where there is a fight, there cannot be special moments. Says Arundhati, "It is but obvious that more problems in the household mean there are fewer chances of experiencing these moments of connection."

How parental conflicts affect a child’s emotional safety

In her article 'How Your Relationship Impacts Your Kids,' published in Psychology Today, clinical psychologist Lisa Firestone explains how children are constantly paying attention to their parents' interactions with each other. She says that though it may seem like children aren't noticing because they are playing, they still pick up on the smallest of things. She goes on to state that children's anxiety and perpetual worry increase when they sense something is wrong between their parents. They also tend to numb these emotions through overeating or playing video games excessively.

Why positive emotions at home matter more than we realise

The power of positivity and love

Experiencing positive emotions can do anyone a whole world of good. Try to remember how nice a friend's smile made you feel, or how your child's welcoming cry made you feel when you got back home in the evening. That's the power of positivity. Like many other emotions, love is a positive one. It cannot be taught or explained. It is a feeling that is meant to be experienced.

Modelling love through kindness, warmth, and respect

Aparna says, "The way Mom and Dad respond to each other serves as the biggest base for the child to understand and perceive love." So, while you are busy attending to your children, don't forget to connect with your spouse too.

"Micro moments can be experienced in little things like holding hands, a hug, or just exchanging smiles," explains Arundhati. So why be a miser when it comes to showering love? Open your heart and shower love on your spouse and family. Like Ursula K Le Guin, the famous author, once said in her book, 'The Lathe of Heaven,' "Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all the time, made new."

The family defines our perception of love. For children, their first interaction with the outside world is through their parents. So, does love displayed between parents and the family serve as the base for the child's understanding of the concept of love? It sure does.

How young children understand love differently

What research tells us about children and emotional consistency

In a study titled, 'When Do Children Understand Love As A Persisting Emotion?' Sherri Widen and James Russell of Boston College try to understand how children perceive love.

As part of the study, the researchers presented various scenarios to 111 children aged three and four, and 16 university adults, about a boy named Jamie who loves his parents. The children were presented with nine stories in which Jamie is made to feel happy, angry, or neutral by his parents or neighbour.

The study found that adults believed that Jamie loved his parents even if they made him feel angry or neutral. However, most of the preschoolers thought that Jamie loved his parents less when they made him feel angry. Hence, young children experience love as a volatile emotion that changes depending on how the parent makes them feel.

What parents can keep in mind every day

So, the next time you quarrel with your spouse or yell at your child, remember that your child's perception of love is dependent on your behaviour.

Valentine’s Day reminder for parents

Love is a lesson your child learns at home

This Valentine’s Day, remember that the most meaningful love story your child witnesses is the one you live every day. When they see kindness, patience, laughter, apologies, and affection between parents, they learn that love is safe, respectful, and steady.

You don’t need grand gestures

Small moments like a smile across the room, a gentle touch, a kind word after a long day, quietly teach your child how to love and be loved.

Because long after the chocolates are gone, the way you show love at home stays with your child for life.

Last updated on: January 13, 2026