Mindful Parenting Strategies To Connect With Your Teen: Listen To Understand

Talking to your teen or getting your teen to converse with you is probably one of the toughest things to do. Your frantic attempts to have chats with your child could lead to a dead end. Simply because your conversation and communication can look like many things to your teenager—a trial that tries hard to prove them guilty, or dripping-sweet-casual, when in reality, you are at your inquisitive best. Or, it could seem like Sherlock Holmes trying to uncover clues that would solve a mystery (in this case, it's your elusive teen). Whatever it may be, your teen will sense the threat and go into survival mode - to fight back, escape, or disconnect from you, the parent.

But wait, before you read further, here's something for you to do. Take a minute to pause and reflect upon how you have been doing so far. Are you saying or doing things that help you stay in touch with your teen, or widening the communication gap between you and your teen? Without realizing it, you may be doing the same things over and over again, even if they don't yield the results you want so badly. That's mostly because you don't know how or what else you could do differently.

If you are feeling confused or distressed right now, just tell yourself it's normal and okay to feel this way. Then take a few deep breaths to calm yourself. Then continue to read on to find renewed energy to start all over again, or to just explore some fresh ideas. Hopefully, you will soon be having some amusing and compelling conversations with your lovely teenager.

For starters, let's take a look at the questions you could be asking your teen.

Sample this conversation: sharp, short, and succinct.

Parent: "How was your day?"

Teenager: "Okay."

Parent: "How are things at school?"

Teenager: "Okay."

To an active, lively, and spirited teen, what would those questions sound like? Mere sounds - lifeless, empty, dull. The kind of questions you ask is the culprit that creates a distance between you and your teen. So, what would it take for your teen to sit up, become alert, and have an interesting conversation with you? Interesting questions, of course!

Here are some conversation starters to get your teen to dive in:

1. 'Guess what happened to me today?' And go on to share some hilarious or startling details.
2. Comment on a controversial issue, and watch your teen declare their strong opinions.
3. Pass a judgment on someone or something, and marvel at how they tear your comments to pieces.
4. Share a problem that needs to be solved. Their creative and practical ideas will floor you.
5. Invite your teen to debate on a topical subject, movie, or news item. Get ready to be impressed by their arguments, for or against.
6. Enquire about one of their passions. Be awed by the richness of their knowledge.
7. Ask your teen to assess a particular decision you have made, and admire their analytical skills.
8. Surprise your teen with the news of an unexpected treat for them, and be humbled by the depth of their gratitude.

Beware of the all too common 'Why' questions, because children can lie to hide information and to avoid getting into trouble with you. And don't we all want our teens to share 'everything' with us? That's because we genuinely worry about them. But excessive worry is a clear warning signal for your teen's survival system to kick in. The result - instant shutdown! Instead, listen well when your teen shares candid thoughts, ideas, and opinions. They want you to be a sounding board to test out their thoughts and ideas; to hear for themself how they sound; to confirm them and to see which ones are off-key.

Intentional Listening

Here are four ways you can practice 'intentional listening' to reach out to your teen:

Listen with interest

Even if you are not an overprotective parent, your teen will choose what they want to share with you. Honestly, that's more than enough for a great start. Grab the opportunity to listen with genuine interest. You cannot fake it because your teen is keenly reading your facial expressions and body language.

Replace the frown with a smile, the accusing eyes with a trusting gaze, the threatening gestures with quiet ease, the tense muscles with a gentle touch. Even if you don't quite appreciate or understand some of their teenage lingo, mannerisms, or ideas, make sure you keep your judgments to yourself.

Listen to your teen, not to please yourself, but to let them know that it's safe to allow you to enter their real world. Then you can be pretty sure that they will choose to share even more with you. Listen to the emotions behind their words— their fears, heartbreak, pain, and hopes. When you listen with interest, you let them know that you care about how they feel, and it helps them express all those big emotions teenagers experience.

Don't take the silences so hard

It's hard to forget about your young child's endless and delightful chatter. It's what made you feel so connected to them. Conversations peppered with laughter, surprises, and amusement had become the mainstay of your relationship. And now, those conversations steadily become few and far between, only to be replaced by frequent periods of dreaded silence. Because silence makes us feel afraid, a sense of loss— of control, of not knowing. Contrast this with being in control and having endless conversations with the same child, albeit when they were younger. It's a huge leap of faith that you will need to take. Take heart, for here's the good news. Your teen will often drift into 'silence' mode whenever they need a quiet space to think deeply and come to terms with how they are changing and growing. And, while you suffer through that silence, you may turn inward and away from your teen. Take heed. As US-based Dr Kenneth Ginsberg, a pediatrician and an Adolescent Specialist, says, "Don't ever walk away when they are silent". In other words, when you begin to understand the silence, it will stop hurting you.

It's all about the timing

Let's take a look at this brief conversation:

Parent: "Son, why don't you go for a walk or a run? It will make you feel better, take things off your mind. The fresh air will..."

Teen: "Oh, come on! I know how to sort this out. Haven't you noticed? Why do you always have to interfere? I don't need your advice all the time."

Ouch! That hurts, doesn't it? You may recall similar rebuffs from your teen. And you think, "Here I am trying to help my child, and all I get is a mouthful. Huh!" Perfect intention. Imperfect timing. This is where intentional listening can come to your rescue.

Listening is not just about words, it's also about emotions, actions, and effort. When you monitor your child closely but subtly, you are 'listening' to their entire being. And that gives you strong clues on how to choose the most appropriate time to step in and offer help or advice. Now, can you see why the child mentioned in the above example exploded? The parent missed out on picking up an important clue - that the child was, in fact, trying to sort out things for themself. So, do be careful about when you step in to support your teen.

Here's another tip. Your teen functions on a different body clock. Time yourself accordingly to improve your chances of having frequent, meaningful connections with your teen. Further, no rule says you must intervene immediately every time. Take a moment to check on your state of mind. If you find that other things are crowding your mind, it's best that you avoid diving into the situation, else you may mess things up, unintentionally. Tell your teen that you need some time to clear your mind so that you can give them your full attention in a while.

Change your perspective

Do you feel offended when your teen looks elsewhere while chatting with you? Perhaps you think they are being evasive or uninterested? Compare this with your earlier experiences when your teen was a child. Remember how they would hold your face and turn it towards themself so they could look you in the eye while they related all their stories to you? How did all that change, you may wonder. Well, it will comfort you to know that it has nothing to do with you as a parent. This is what most teens will do. That's just how they are because of all the behavior being dictated by the changing teen brain!

Your teen will open up in conversation more easily while looking elsewhere and not into your eyes. The openness of the outdoors helps broaden their perspective, and yours. They also talk more freely while doing an action, like playing a game. It helps them deal with their emotions while they talk. Conversations with your teen become smooth when you notice their cues that indicate if they are ready or not for a chat with you. However, make sure you get their attention when you need to communicate important information.

Try hard as you may, there will be those inexplicable times and situations when your teen will anyway stonewall you. But don't be discouraged, for the reasons are far beyond your control. Your teen's brain is working very hard to become more efficient in preparation for all the forthcoming experiences of adolescence. These changes in the brain are responsible for new teen behaviors, such as becoming frequently wrapped up in their own world. They are only trying hard to figure out many things about themself. As a result, they may talk less, share less, and appear distant. So, while it's a good idea to give your teen their personal space, you will still have to use creative and reassuring ways to stay in touch with them.