Is Your Parenting Inconsistent? Why Consistency Builds Respect And Trust In Children

Researchers suggest that parents bring their unique styles to parenting. In many Asian families, parents naturally follow the way they were raised themselves. However, when children exhibit challenging behaviors, it’s easy to feel unsure or even overwhelmed.

In those moments, parents may start to question each other or feel frustrated, which can make the situation seem bigger than it really is. Remember, this is something most families go through—you’re not alone in facing it.

An increasing number of families are seeking the help of counselors to resolve conflicts around parenting. Here are a few issues for which parents seek a counselor's support:

What does inconsistent parenting look like?

The ever-busy dad and the strict mom

Here, the child sees the father as a person hooked to a phone or another gadget most of the time. However, he may go out of his way to be indulgent by getting his child whatever they want over the weekend. If the mother is a strict disciplinarian and is generally perceived as controlling, punitive, or abusive, the father may side with the child and gang up against the mother. In such situations, parents tend to blame each other. The mother blames the father for being physically absent and indulgent, while the father blames the mother for being punitive and emotionally unavailable.

The strict dad and the indulgent mom

The strict father often adopts oppressive disciplining methods and has high expectations. So, the mother tries to counter the father's strict parenting style by giving in to the child's every demand. She may even try to hide the child's faults and failures from the father. When such families seek counseling, it is mostly the father who speaks and tends to display the 'my way or the highway' attitude. Moreover, the child is only given instructions, and their voice is never heard.

Busy parents, inconsistent parenting

Working parents who are very busy are often exhausted. As a result, their child may feel neglected. These parents resort to inconsistent parenting as their energy levels fluctuate based on their work schedules. On the days they feel energetic, they are responsive and indulgent, but on other days, they may be moody and irritable. Such parents usually come prepared for counseling and are forthcoming. However, their children are usually found to be addicted to gadgets, do not allow their parents to speak, and know how to get their way.

When one parent seeks help alone

This happens in families where meaningful communication between parents is almost non-existent due to constant clashes. The breakdown in communication causes one parent to be desperate to seek help. However, the other parent feels that things will settle with time and that seeking help is an overreaction or a sign of weakness. If one parent visits the counselor with the child, then the child may be warned or bribed not to speak about it with the other parent.

Media-influenced parenting

There are a lot of parenting videos available on social media. Impressed by these, parents are often influenced by them and try to follow their advice without understanding the how and why of it. They may also make changes in their parenting based on the advice of a friend who they think has the 'perfect child'.

Family-influenced parenting

To add to the complexities of inconsistent parenting is the role and influence of grandparents and members of the extended family. They often take the side of one parent, making the child perceive the other parent as weak. As a result, the child may not respect or support that parent.

Effects of inconsistent parenting

In some families, each parent may respond in a different manner to their child's behaviour. Such inconsistency in parenting styles can lead to the child:

• Feeling a great deal of stress.
• Unable to build a secure attachment to the parents
• Becoming manipulative and controlling, playing one parent against the other, throwing tantrums, or entering into power struggles with the parents.
• Lacking positive role modelling in human relationships and interactions. On the contrary, it often leads to low self-worth, rejection, inadequacy, and low confidence in the child.
• Masking these feelings by displaying a dominating and controlling attitude.
• Lacking the skills to shoulder responsibility, accept failure, or know what to expect.

Benefits of consistent parenting

Consistent parenting allows a child to:

• Plan, adjust, achieve, communicate, and shoulder responsibility.
• Respect diversity and opinions.
• Go with the flow of things, as they know what to anticipate and expect.

Moving towards a balance

Parenting involves two adults trying to adopt a complementary or similar approach in raising their child, while maintaining their identities in other spheres of life.

To adopt a consistent approach, parents need to be open-minded, accepting, willing to change, respectful, and focused on their child's well-being.

Practical Tips to Be a More Consistent Parent

Learn to negotiate: Parents need to discuss and agree on the styles and rules they will follow in raising their child. And once they do that, they should stick to them at all times.

Support each other: Once parents negotiate and agree on the common goals and strategies, children are likely to test their limits with each parent. It is their way of resisting change. This may give rise to power struggles between parents and the child. At times, the child may throw tantrums. Though it may seem like things are out of control, rest assured that this is a temporary phase. So, keep going as it takes time to change things. Keep supporting each other. When parents are a team, children embrace change more easily.

Communicate, don't lecture: Once parents initiate changes, they must ensure that the child feels comfortable and at ease. To do this, they must communicate, listen, and respond appropriately to the child. Consistency and communication are required to produce the best results. Refrain from lectures as these do not help anyone.

Strategise based on feedback: Parents must share their feedback on what is working and what is not. This will help them rework the strategies and not be bogged down by the challenges. Change is challenging, but being stuck with severe behavioural problems is worse.

Work and play together: Plan small and meaningful activities to do together as a family. The bonding through the chores and the recreation will accelerate the constructive changes. Bonding together as a family helps children feel secure and is further reinforced with consistency and communication.

Seek help: Often, parents may find it difficult to assess their child's behaviour objectively. When parents feel their efforts are not producing the expected (reasonable) results, they could seek professional help to support their efforts.

Aarti C Rajaratnam is a psychologist specialising in childhood and adolescent mental health, a best-selling author, and an innovative education design consultant.

Last updated on: August 22, 2025