Finding The Right Parenting Strategies To Match Your Child’s Unique Temperament And Needs

Every child is unique, both in terms of personality and temperament. While personality is largely influenced by a child's environment and experiences, temperament is an innate quality, something a child is born with.

What is temperament, and why does it matter? 

Temperament is a child’s natural style of responding 

According to the handout, 'Understanding Temperament in Infants and Toddlers', authored by Lindsey T. Allard and Amy Hunter, and published on the website of CSEFEL, "A child's temperament describes the way in which she approaches and reacts to the world. It is her personal 'style'. Temperament influences a child's behavior and the way she interacts with others."

The authors also say that, "While temperament does not clearly define or predict behavior, understanding a child's temperament can help providers and families better understand how young children react and relate to the world around them."

How temperament shapes daily interactions and behavior

So, when you understand your child's temperament and use approaches that suit their traits, not only does it result in a happy and healthy parent-child relationship, but it also promotes the growth and development of the child. Ms Aarti Rajaratnam, child and adolescent psychologist, says, "Parenting can never be a perfectly structured process. It is a real and dynamic process where 'looking at the child' and responding is more important than making the child 'look at you' while he struggles to keep up, falls short of your expectations, and leads you to react."

Understanding the three main temperament types in children

The New York Longitudinal Study, carried out by child psychiatrists Alexander Thomas and Stella Chess in the 1950s, concluded that temperament can be of three types:

• Difficult
• Slow to Warm Up
• Easy

The authors came up with these three categories after a detailed observation of a group of children for over a period of 30 years. They further concurred that these three types of temperaments are the result of a variable mix of the following nine distinct qualities:

1. Activity: the physical energy level
2. Rhythmicity: the ability to follow simple routines like sleep and waking hours, and the regularity of body functions like meals and elimination
3. Sensitivity: a type of response to stimuli in an environment
4. Approachability: initial reaction to changes in an environment or situations
5. Adaptability: the ability to adjust to changes in situations
6. Intensity: the energy level used in responses
7. Persistence: the ability to continue with a task despite distractions or interruptions
8. Distractibility: the tendency to get easily distracted by interruptions
9. Mood - a happy or unhappy/cheerful or cranky disposition

"The three styles, as described by Thomas and Chess, help parents understand, through observation, the pattern of response in our child and modify expectations, responses, and support accordingly to make the two-way interaction meaningful and effective over time," says Ms Aarti. She further adds, "The model of parenting helps parents set truly realistic expectations based on a very specific understanding of the nine essential dimensions that are unique to each child."

Let's try to analyse in detail the parenting style you could adopt to suit your child's temperament.

Parenting strategies for the 'difficult' child

General characteristics:

• Is fussy
• Has irregular body functions and routines
• Exhibits intense reactions to changes
• Is overwhelmed by new experiences
• Seems withdrawn or acts out depending on their mood

Understand the reasons

Your child's behaviour is a manifestation of their temperament. So, remember that they don't behave in a particular manner intentionally. Try to understand the root cause of the behaviour and focus on helping your child learn how to tackle the challenges. At the same time, reinforce positive behaviour.

Be patient and understand emotional triggers 

Dealing with a 'difficult' child is challenging and requires a great deal of patience and effort. Empathise with their feelings in difficult situations and react calmly instead of getting worked up. According to Ms Aarti, "With both approaches-avoidance and adaptability-parents can be proactive about planning for social events in line with the child's style to ensure that there are no meltdowns because of stress."

Use predictable routines and advanced preparation

Maintain a schedule

As your child finds it difficult to adjust to routines, maintain some structure. Keep predictable schedules for sleeping and waking up, mealtimes, and other routine tasks. Make sure to let your child know in advance about any impending changes in the schedule to help them be prepared. Also, maintain a relaxed schedule by not cramming too many activities into a day.

Set firm yet realistic expectations

Have age-appropriate expectations. Ms Aarti says, "Understanding rhythmicity can help parents anticipate specific delays in potentially stressful areas and make small lifestyle changes to assist the child." Also, avoid over-reacting in challenging situations, but remain firm when disciplining by clearly explaining the limits and consequences. Getting agitated when your child throws a tantrum will only increase the power struggles between the two of you.

Parenting strategies for the 'slow to warm up' child

General characteristics:

• Is usually cautious
• Takes time to adjust to new experiences or changes
• Is sensitive to high-intensity reactions

Avoid labels and comparisons 

Even though your child is slow to warm up, avoid labelling them as shy or reserved, and don't compare them with peers or siblings in the hope of making them act differently. Focus on strengths and nurture them patiently. And, with time, they will gradually learn to open up to those around them.

Prepare your child for new experiences

Your child may feel unsure and take time to adapt to any new experience. So, prepare them in advance for what is going to happen and encourage them to express their feelings about the change. Don't attempt to push them into the spotlight, as this will scare them more and make them feel hesitant rather than confident.

Offer reassurance without overprotecting

Your child will, most likely, be reluctant to take part in new activities or interact with unfamiliar individuals. You can help them overcome their fears or unwillingness to reach out to others by giving them the right assurances. But, at the same time, don't be overprotective, as then, they would never be willing to come out of their shell. Respecting their behaviour and attributes will certainly boost their confidence and prepare them for new experiences and challenges. In time, a 'slow to warm up' child could grow up to be more outgoing.

Parenting strategies for the 'easy' child

General characteristics:

• Is usually calm and happy
• Has regular bodily functions and routines
• Reacts positively to change with low or moderate-intensity reactions

Stay involved and avoid taking adaptability for granted 

Raising a child with an easy temperament is relatively effortless, as they usually adapt well to different situations. However, parents of an easy child often make the mistake of taking them for granted and not giving them due attention. So, make an effort to stay involved and continue to show your interest in all they do.

Now that you understand how temperament plays a critical role in the way your child connects with their surroundings, make suitable changes to your parenting style to support and guide them, and gift them with a pleasant childhood.

 Aarti C Rajaratnam is a psychologist specialising in childhood and adolescent mental health, a best-selling author, and an innovative education design consultant.

 Last updated on: December 04, 2025