Expert Answers - Managing your Child's Tantrums

Dear reader, I salute your concern for this youngster. Most families would be readily willing to give up on such a youth, given his history. But support, not condemnation, is exactly what he requires right now. Since he is showing strong anti-social personality traits, I strongly recommend your sister and brother-in-law take him to a qualified mental health professional-such as a clinical psychologist- and initiate behaviour therapy. Behaviour therapy (BT) can help this youth manage his anger and aggressive behaviours, as well as the lying and stealing behaviours. BT can teach your sister and brother-in-law skills to learn how to set boundaries and help protect themselves from the aggression, violence and anger common to antisocial youth. The behaviour therapist can also recommend strategies for coping. All the best!

Dear parent, since your son has dull normal level of intelligence and is on medication, I would strongly recommend behaviour therapy for him. Kindly visit a qualified mental health professional- such as a clinical psychologist- in your city and initiate behaviour therapy. It will help you understand how to chart out behaviour modification plans for him, how to prevent the triggers of his anger, and how to manage his severe anger responses. All the best!

Dear parent, this can indeed be a frustrating situation for both you and your child! Imagine seeing all those attractive things in the mall and not being able to get any of them! A 4.5 year old will not always have the maturity to understand that he cant get everything he sees- especially if he has been given those items before on shouting/sitting on the floor! Here are some strategies you can try {and no, Scolding and punishing the child wont help}:
Ensure that your child is well-fed and rested before you go to the mall. Hunger and fatigue are few of the top reasons why children throw tantrums.
Offer choices. Before you go to the mall, you can tell your child- were going to the mall and we have a budget of (say) Rs.150 for you to buy something. Would you rather buy an ice-cream or a sandwich? Every time your child looks at an item and tells you to buy it for him, remind him that he has Rs.150.
If the value of the item is more than Rs.150, you could say something like Oh dear! Looks like your desired item exceeds our budget. Lets put that on your wish-list. It is quite satisfying to a child to have a physical list of his desires. This list can be posted on a bulletin board or your fridge when you reach home. Refer to it when holidays and birthdays come up. Perhaps hell request it from his aunt on his birthday or perhaps in a few weeks or months his tastes will change and it will drop off the list. The important thing is that he has a parent who listens to how he feels when he yearns for something, and that helps him develop the important life skill of deferred gratification.
It is also critical to teach your son restraint by example as well. Look for opportunities for him to see you waiting for the things you want. If you see a pair of jeans at the mall that you decide not to buy, for instance, let your child know why ("They fit well, but my old jeans still look good" or "I'll wait until they go on sale").
When you notice your child starting to get worked up, make sure you keep your own voice calm, low and slow. Not patronising, but comforting. This helps to keep you calm, and its soothing for your child. It might not stop him being irritable, but it will prevent him from getting worse.
Whatever you do, dont give in to what your child wants. Because hell try it again next time. If a child gets his way by screaming once, then hell do it again. He may just scream louder and longer next time. You could try to explain to him why his behaviour is unacceptable in a calm and in-control voice.
Deep breathing can be calming, but how do you get a small child to stop howling and breathe? Well, I tell my daughter to think about your belly button. The first time I did this she was so surprised she just stopped and look at her tummy. Then she really concentrated on her belly button.
Or pretend your thumb is a candle on top of your fist and says, Oh, look at this! I have a candle. Do you think you could blow it out? As he blows, wiggles your thumb like a candle and then close your fist so the candle goes out. But then pop it back up (with sound effects) and encourage him to take a deeper breath and try again.
Dont let yourself get worked up about people watching. Youll end up getting stressed and your child will pick on that. Try out whatever works for you and your child. Children are smart and will try whatever way works for them. Our job is to help them figure out what works and what doesnt, respectfully. All the best!

Dear parent, screens are the boon and the bane of modern day existence. While technology can offer unlimited educational and entertainment opportunities, screens can be very harmful to our children, both mentally and physically. Screens (incl TV, mobile, and tablets) could lead to attention problems, sleep disturbances, problems in appetite, inactive lifestyle and risk of obesity, vision impairments, and even violent behaviour. It also adversely impacts academics. You could definitely regulate your childs screen time in the following ways:
1. Set simple, clear screen-time rules. Share your concern about excessive screen use with your child, without scolding or lecturing him. Involve your child in setting screen-time rules (for everyone as a family). Yes, these rules will have to be followed by everyone in the family- else youre setting yourself up for failure. Also decide on the consequences for breaking these rules. For example, if you watch more than half-hour of TV per day, you miss your TV time the next day.
Set limits on time: For each member of the family (including you) agree on a plan that specifies
o How much screen time is allowed on a weekday?
o How much screen time is allowed on weekends?
o How much screen time on holidays and vacations?
o When should all gadgets be turned off every night?
And so on.
Set limits on content: Decide what your son can co-view/play with you. Younger children learn better from media, educational shows & videos when they are co-viewed & there is parent-child interaction.
Maintain screen-free zones. Agree as a family which parts of the house are screen-free. For example - the bedrooms and dining room.
Maintain daily screen-free times. Agree as a family which parts of the day are completely screen-free for everyone. For example, family meals, family game nights, and bedtime.
Make screens inconvenient: Keep mobile devices/iPads in one spot, ideally out of view. It is not recommended to allow children to have screens in the bedroom.
2. Make time for play and other activities. Take a little bit time each day to get down on the floor with your children to interact and communicate. Together with your child engage in healthy alternatives such as outdoor play, reading a book, doing crafts, playing board games, building with blocks, or playing in the sand. Or set a little challenge for you and your child.
3. Set aside Special Time. For just 10-15 minutes a day, set aside some special one-on-one time with your child. During this time allow your child to be in charge and follow his lead. Jump if your child say jump, read to your child if he brings a book to read. Make sure you stay away from gadgets, talking on the phone, eating or even taking bathroom breaks. Complete focus should be on child.
4. Have face to face conversations: Be more involved in your childs life by asking questions, listening to his stories, sharing in his experiences, observing his actions and reactions, and connecting to this feelings.
5. Put down your smartphone: Children report feeling unimportant when their parents look at their smartphones during meals or when playing together, or when the child is talking to them. Even replying to a quick text message could be sending your child another messagethat your phone is more important than he is.
If you do this together as a family (itll be tough initially and will require monitoring and patience but try to follow through), you will definitely observe a change in your sons behaviour. All the best!

Thank you so much for your valuable reply ma m ll definitely follow it

Dear parent, being a working mom myself, I feel for you! You are bringing up concerns that every working (and even non-working) mum faces from time to time. First of all please remember that he is YOUR son! Nothing in the world can change that. Second, it is a general assumption that the key to a childs happiness and success depends on the amount of time parents (especially mothers), spend with their child. Add to this the cultural pressures for intensive parenting and the belief that a mothers time with her child is irreplaceable and sacred. This only raises the standard for what it means to be a good mother thus adding to any working parents guilt and stress. However, this guilt in itself counter-productive, as research consistently shows that a mothers distress often leads to poor parenting behaviours. Therefore, whats important for both you and your childs well-being is building connections and seizing quality moments (not quantity of time) with your child. There are many ways in which you can savour the time you spend with your child, while juggling your adult life. Make even ten minutes spent with your child matter every day.
Here are a few ideas that even the busiest parents will find easy to do:
The morning connect ritual
Greet your child in the morning with your warm smile and hug (whatever your mood may be). This will start the day for you with a special connect to your child.
Doing chores together
Create an upbeat playlist and enjoy a dance with your young one while you wash the dishes or do laundry together.
Cooking together
Cooking or baking with your child will give you an extra set of helping hands, enable you to spend time together, and eat something delicious as a result. If you are worried about the mess, enlist your childs help in cleaning up too. My 2.6 year old regularly helps me with baking, and its so wonderful to watch him mix the batter. He learns the names of ingredients and has now started telling me what ingredient I should add in next!
Free play
Just ten minutes of free play with your child, whether its chasing him around the house to catch him, or becoming a pretend horse, will ensure lots of fun, while also establishing a connect. If you follow your childs lead, it will help him develop confidence.
Every day ritual
Create a special ritual with your child, something that can be accommodated in your busy day. For example, let your child choose and read one book with you at bedtime. Or share a fun fact with him. Or do a puzzle together. The sharing knowledge will get take care of.
Eating together
Even if he insists on being fed by the nanny, you could still have a family meal together. A simple meal brings the family together, gives you the opportunity to share, discuss, and reflect, while clocking in precious connection time.
Join the fun
Is your child watching a stream of ants crawl by in the kitchen? Is he chasing butterflies in the park? Join him in watching the ant parade or chasing the butterflies. Is he jumping in the puddle or splashing in the rain? Join the fun!
Sleep time ritual
Thank your child for one thing he did that day ate without a fuss, cleared up his toys, or just for his special smile or hug. Of course, dont forget to end the day with a little hug and a good night kiss I love you for just being you!
With all of these activities, the idea is not to squeeze in any additional time with your child. It is to make the most of (almost) every moment you spend with your child. With your undivided attention and mindful presence, you will build connections and strengthen bonds with your child.
All the best!

Dear parent, I have a few questions for you:
Does your child make eye-to-eye contact with others? Is he able to focus on any game or activity he likes? 5-year olds are usually able to focus for 10-15 minutes on a preferred activity of their choice. You mentioned he doesnt speak clearly- is he able to talk in full sentences? Does he have friends he plays with? What kind of physical activities does he pursue? Did he reach his developmental milestones on time (e.g., sitting, standing, walking, making 2-word utterances, etc.)?
With limited information about your child I would avoid making any suggestions, and instead request you to take your child to a mental health professional (such as a clinical psychologist or a psychiatrist) in your city and have your child evaluated. The professional will take the complete developmental history of your child, your family history, and administer some simple psychological tests to rule out any issues. Once neuro-developmental issues are ruled out, kindly write back to us. All the best!

Dear parent, I can understand how this all must be a handful for you! ADHD brings with it additional issues but Im confident that with the right strategies, you can help your daughter.
1. With regard to academics, does she have a set routine or time table for study? Since she is not motivated I suggest you sit with her and chalk out a study time table (with enough breaks in between) and set up a chart with rewards for each study period. For example, once she completes 2 hours of study (with three 15-min breaks in between), she gets to watch 30 mins of Netflix. Dont give her open access to Netflix (keep the password a secret and every time you give her access once she has completed her study for the day). Please involve her in setting up this chart (ask her for her suggestions and inputs), because she has to feel some sense of ownership- else she will not be encouraged to follow it.
2. With regard to bathing, ask her why she doesnt like it. What are her concerns? Does she feel too cold when she steps out of the bathroom? Would she prefer to take a shower instead of using a bucket to bathe? Would a fragrant shower gel help? The solution will flow from her problem/concern. Once she tells you her problem, sit with her and brainstorm all the possible solutions to that problem. Your attitude should be that of positive concern, not irritated worry. Encourage her to try the feasible solutions that you brainstorm together.
3. As far as junk food is concerned, again sit together as a family (all four of you) and discuss this concern. You can say something like we (parents) are concerned that were spending too much money on outside food and its affecting health of our family, so lets decide some limits regarding how often we will eat out/order in as a family. Again, take inputs from both your children and decide on a reasonable limit (e.g., once a week going out to eat, and once a week ordering in) as a family. Also decide what happens if someone breaks this mutually-decided upon limit. For example, if someone orders in food more than once a week (with their pocket money), throughout the remaining and the next week, outside food is off-limits (e.g., they either wont get pocket money). But again, ensure that even these consequences are mutually decided upon by EVERYONE together in the family, rather than parents just sitting and setting the rules for the children. The more democratic and open this process of setting family rules is, where everyone has an equal say, the more likely are rules going to be followed.
4. If she is an attention-seeker, look for ways of giving her attention in positive ways. Praise her if she does something well- esp since the entire focus seems to be on what shes not doing well. Help her focus on her strengths. Talk to her about what she likes in herself. Use everyday situations to point out good qualities in her. The more she feels secure in your love, the lesser she will need to manipulate or seek attention. All the best!

Dear parent, a child not listening to her parents is one of the most common problems parents face today. But before I suggest a few strategies, I would like to ask youwhat do you do when your child doesnt listen to you? Do you shout/yell/hit? What do you feel? Angry/frustrated/irritated?
1. As parents, it is extremely important- if we want our children to follow us- to first display emotional regulationthat is, get a hold on your emotions first. Pause and calm down. Instead of thinking hes doing this to trouble me, think differently Hes doing this because thats what kids do. This will make a world of a difference in your attitude when you approach him to complete some tasks.
What are the types of instructions your child is more resistant to follow? Is it about dressing up for school in the morning? Or clearing up his toys? Or studying? Or something else?
2. It is important for you to have age-appropriate rules and expectations. Your child is developing new skills and learning everyday about how to behave. Be realistic on what your child is capable of doing and what he can understand at his age. Set simple, clear family rules. This way your child knows what you expect from him. Tell him why you are setting the rules. Whenever possible, let your child also help in setting the rules. When you agree on rules, agree on logical, respectful, enforceable consequences for breaking the rules. For example, If you watch more than half-hour of TV per day, you miss your TV time the next day.
If you hit your friend, you will have to stop playing with him and go play by yourself.
3. Make sure these rules and routines can be enforced. While setting rules make sure it is something that your child can easily understand and follow.
If your child refuses to clean up his toys and you tell him that you will never buy him another toy, be realistic it is only a threat. You definitely cannot follow through on the consequence.
If your child comes home from school only at 4 p.m. everyday, it may not be fair to expect him to sit down to do homework at 4 p.m.
4. If your child does what you tell him to do appreciate and thank him. Also, give gentle ad regular reminders. However, remind once, remind twice. Thats it. If you keep repeating reminders, it turns into nagging. If your child still doesnt listen, then follow through with respectful and logical consequences. Be friendly, but firm and consistent when enforcing the rules and consequences. If you occasionally give in to your child, then the rule loses its value, and your child will keep testing and breaking the rules. It is also important to be consistent in enforcing agreed upon consequences for breaking rules. If you do not follow through with the consequences, they become mere threats; your rules and consequences will have no meaning.
5. Involve your childs grandparents in setting these rules and enforcing them. When they feel included in the childs upbringing (and when you dont list down a list of instructions for them to follow), they are more likely to cooperate. All the best!

Dear parent, you didnt mention your childs age. But speaking of building confidence, let me first ask you-- how do you encourage her to pursue her interests? How do you praise her when she does something well?
1. Focus on your relationship with her, which at this point of time, is the most important source of support, security, and connection for her. The more you will display genuine confidence in her abilities, the more youll talk to her like she is the most wonderful, smart, and kind little girl, the more shell believe these things about herself.
2. It is extremely important for you to encourage her to pursue whatever activities she shows interest in. Dont push her but give her a gentle nudge time and again. If she displays resistance to do something or is unable to do something well, talk to her about her feelings. You could ask How did you feel when you came in last in swimming? Focus on her effort, rather than the outcome. You could say It was really courageous of you to try rather than saying Dont feel bad about coming in last.
3. Dont give false praise. Kids can very easily discern when we are being truthful and when not.
4. Help her focus on her strengths. Talk to her about what she likes in herself. Use everyday situations to point out good qualities in her. In some families, I recommend spelling out the childs name and brainstorming one positive quality with each letter and sticking this up on the fridge for everyone to see.
All the best!