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Dear Prachi,
Thanks for reaching out to us. Our sincere apologies for the delayed response.
Your 3-year-old seems to be giving you a tough time. And hard as you try, it doesn’t seem to get you far, and we understand how frustrating that can be. So let’s get down to tackling the situation together.
It does look like your son’s behavior is typical of a 3-year-old who wants to assert their independence and feel like he can do things on his own. And when something goes wrong, he has these big emotions of disappointment, frustration and anger that he finds hard to manage. Let’s analyze the situation you have described. What appears as petty to adults, is often a complex experience for a toddler:
* Spilled water – he must have felt upset and maybe even angry with himself
* Screaming and shouting – unable to manage the natural emotions he is feeling
* Calm him down – your efforts were at cross-purposes with what he wanted – another full glass of water.
* Refill the glass – he wanted to experience holding a full glass of water, to test his ability to do so. It would have made him feel, I can do this.” It’s an important aspect of his emotional development – to feel capable.
* Sufficient water for you, not for him – it’s about his experience and perception. He needed to feel in control of the situation.
* You don’t understand… - He said this because he felt that your focus was different from his focus
* Get a full glass of water again – this calmed his down because this is what he wanted
* Made me so sad – it was very stressful and frustrating for you
* Son came to calm me down – he could have been feeling guilty and upset that he made you cry

Prachi, let’s see what you can learn from your experience and do differently the next time you encounter a similar situation.

* Your feelings
When your child makes a mistake and throws a tantrum, focus on your feelings first. Take a moment to calm yourself -take a few slow deep breaths or drink a glass of water and wait till you feel composed.

* Your child’s feelings
Next turn your attention to your child’s emotions, not what caused them. Hold him close or sit calmly by his side and say, “I know how you are feeling right now – upset and angry. It’s okay to feel this way. You want to hold a whole glass of water without dropping it, isn’t it?” Wait for your words of empathy to calm the big and difficult emotions he is feeling.

* Your child’s needs
Then, ask him to explain what he wants to do or what help he needs from you. It helps you understand his needs.

* Your strategy
Finally, explain that getting angry and frustrated is normal and that he can learn to talk about his feelings rather than act them out by throwing a tantrum. Give him a few examples such as, “I am feeling very angry.” Give him the vocabulary for emotions – angry, sad, afraid, happy.” The next time he displays a feeling help him by saying, “It looks like you’re feeling sad today.” Recognizing the emotion and letting your child know that you have noticed has two benefits: you are showing empathy, and your child feels that you have connected with his emotions.

Prachi, we hope you find this helpful. Just remember that it is the job of 3-year-olds to want to do things on their own. It’s their first steps in learning to feel good about themselves and build their self-confidence. And there will be times when you lose your temper or use an approach that doesn’t work. It happens to all of us. But you can repair the situation and the relationship by saying, “I’m sorry I made you cry,” and give your child a big hug. This ensures that your child’s emotional hurt will heal.

very good