Answered by Team ParentCircle
My 3.5-year-old daughter fibs a lot to avoid getting into trouble. It started with small lies, which are now seeping into almost every interaction we have. Sometimes it’s about a fairy visiting us, at times it’s about an imaginary conversation with a friend, or it can be about a broken toy. She knows lying is wrong but still does it to avoid getting scolded. I am unsure how to handle it and am worried if it’ll become a habit.
– Ritu, mother
Dear Ritu, you have your doubts and confusions around your child’s apparent lies, and you’re not alone in this. There are scores of parents who have similar concerns. Your little preschooler is, without a doubt, an active and expressive child. And as much as her behavior is normal, we will help you understand a few truths about the lies children tell. We tend to overreact because morality tells us that dishonesty is a shameful act. The first time we discover our child has lied is often the most difficult. We feel overwhelmed with mixed feelings—anger, disbelief, shock, hurt. We feel let down by our child and disappointed with ourselves for having failed in our parenting. Can you recognize the unhelpful thoughts that make us put ourselves down? But sometimes an innocent lie is amusing! Yet, we camouflage the amusement because we believe it’s our moral duty to teach our children to be always honest.
Ritu, two things seem to emerge from your concerns—your preschooler’s vivid imagination, and her need to protect herself emotionally. The former is about fantasy and make-believe, an inner world where she can make anything happen, where there are no boundaries, only boundless creativity. The latter is about seeking to feel emotionally safe because scolding makes her fearful, and she doesn’t know how to handle this big emotion all on her own. Your child is also at an age where she wants to please you and will do anything, even tell a lie, to safeguard your acceptance of her.
From your description, it’s clear that not all of it is about lying. In fact, there’s a great deal of science behind a lie. For example, the fairy visits are all part of her imagination. Young children love to live in a make-believe world, and this is an essential aspect of their developing creative-thinking skills. The imaginary conversations with a friend have multiple benefits—your child is exploring and developing her creative and expressive abilities. She imagines scenarios, plays distinct roles, and expresses thoughts, ideas and emotions. If you overhear her conversations, you’ll be pleasantly surprised at what you discover about her inner world. It’s a rare and precious opportunity that offers a deeper understanding of your child, so long as you avoid judging what she says.
Children begin to lie around age 3, and this is an important milestone in the child’s cognitive development. The most common lies are about avoiding conflict (laying the blame on someone else), rebukes and punishment (for doing something wrong), or doing tasks (“Yes, I brushed my teeth”). So, would that explain why your child fibs to get out of trouble? Although we tell children to never tell lies, like it or not, lies are everywhere. We inadvertently teach children to lie by our well-meaning stories about Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, the boogeyman, the casual lie to someone on the phone. It’s only as they grow older that children discover that all lies are not the same.
Telling lies is typical childhood behavior, but we wouldn’t want lying to become a chronic behavior problem. Habitual lying could get your child into frequent troubles, destroy people’s trust in her, and weaken her social relationships. Also, when you approach the lie only from a moral standpoint, you end up saying hurtful things to correct your child. Fear of being reprimanded or punished prompts your child to use lies as a defense when she feels confronted. This has negative consequences on your relationship with your child. You feel hurt as the trust breaks, and your child feels wrongly judged.
And here’s something important to think about. We try hard to raise our children to be honest and kind, but often, these are two conflicting values in a child’s mind. Because children believe that telling on someone and letting them down are unkind acts. As children grow older, they use prosocial lying to protect others—a parent, a friend, a pet. Although this may sound alarming, it reveals the child’s emerging empathy skills:
We are all familiar with the term “white lies,” also known as prosocial lies, which come from a place of empathy and are meant to benefit another person. Such lies increase trust and social bonding among family members and friends. But a child who doesn’t feel a sense of belonging in a social group may tell lies to fit in the group and gain acceptance.
It helps to approach your child with an open mind. Her vivid imagination is normal, and she has no intention to deceive you. For example, your child may tell you about a monster she killed, or the magical powers a kind fairy has given her, or her trip to outer space where she met and made friends with aliens. Inventing characters, scenarios and dialogues stretch her imagination, help her explore possibilities, and give her a sense of control. Children need to be in a place of “no inhibitions” where they can build fantastical ideas. Although it’s pure fantasy, the process stimulates growth in the neural pathways that connect various parts of the brain. So, take delight in your child’s imaginary conversations and fantasies, and play along, because she is actively developing her creativity.
If she is trying to be kind to someone, set aside the moral standpoint and shift to the empathy angle. Be curious and attentive to her story. For example, you may hear things like, “No, Daddy didn’t give me an extra chocolate,” when you confront her dad about it. Or “My doggy didn’t chew your slipper. It must have been a rat!” You don’t need to pass judgment on her explanation. As she grows older, she will slowly learn to tackle the abstract aspects of fact and fiction.
When you hear a blatant lie (an intention to deceive) such as, “Yes, I brushed my teeth and I stood on my tippy toes to put the toothbrush back on the shelf,” your anger shoots up and you quickly react: “Don’t lie to me!” But your child doesn’t want your reactive approach; she needs to see you in control. So, take a few seconds to listen to your thoughts, and challenge the ones that put you down. A calmer you will prompt you to respond firmly: “Well, I don’t smell the toothpaste, so go back and do it all over again.” And give your daughter a thumbs-up when she’s done.
Behind some of your child’s repetitive lies are reasons that make sense to her, but not to you. Allow your child to express her fears about telling the truth. It helps with the emotional healing of her various fears—fear of being punished, of hearing hurtful comments, of being labeled, of being humiliated and embarrassed. Appreciate the truth as it emerges because it helps diminish your child’s fear of your reaction. When you do this consistently, she learns to feel safe in telling you the truth often.
There are some routine tasks that children simply dislike doing. And it’s an uphill task to get your child to do them. Friendly reminders take the stress out of the task at hand and although your child may do it reluctantly, don’t let it bother you. Just be consistent and in time she will become more cooperative.
Ritu, we hope that you’ll begin to enjoy your child’s fantasies, and that you’ll be able to listen to your child’s real story behind the occasional lie! Happy Parenting!
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