Parenting

How the SIFT Strategy Helps Kids Manage Difficult Feelings

Answered by Team ParentCircle

We were planning for a 10-day holiday during the December break. Unfortunately, we had to cancel it due to my husband’s work commitments. Our daughters (11 and 9 years) are extremely upset. My elder one is not talking to any of us, and the younger one is throwing tantrums. This isn’t the first time this has happened. Whenever the kids don’t get what they want, they throw tantrums or give us the silent treatment. My husband often travels for work, so he doesn’t like to spend whatever time he gets on disciplining them. So, the responsibility falls on me to correct behaviors or handle tantrums. How do I handle such behaviors in kids? How do I help them deal with their disappointment rather than fixing their tantrums?

– Neelima, Dehradun

Neelima, that’s a lot to manage—one of your children not talking to you and another throwing tantrums. It looks like there may be enough and more happening in your family—the pressures of single parenting your children when your husband is away, conflicting disciplining patterns, managing your children’s emotional outbursts. To top it all life’s circumstances throw your plans out of gear just when they matter the most. And the kids are reacting!

What about you, Neelima? Have you thought about how you are feeling in all of this? Could you right now take a few moments to reflect on your feelings about the canceled holiday plan? As you do so you’ll realize that you also have many feelings about it. Have you recovered from those feelings? Parents often put their children ahead of themselves and ignore attending to their own stress. But it’s always helpful to address your own feelings before you deal with your children’s emotions.

Typically, we try to distract ourselves from difficult emotions by trying to get rid of them. We wish them away, forcefully forget them, and immerse ourselves in work. But this hardly works overall because suppressed or ignored feelings keep coming back every time there is another emotional trigger. In this case, it’s your children’s silent treatment and tantrums.

The important thing to remember is that whatever you and the children are feeling is normal. Having said that, how does one face those feelings and manage them effectively? There are several techniques available, and we would like to suggest a strategy Dr Dan Siegel, world-renowned neuroscientist, talks about in his bestseller, The Whole-Brain Child. It’s called SIFT—a powerful yet simple 4-step strategy that helps gently explore the impact of an experience.

As you set out to do this exercise, keep in mind the moment you heard the news of the canceled holiday, and follow these steps:

• Sensations: Bring your awareness to all the sensations you felt in your body at the time—in your head, chest, stomach, legs, feet, hands.
• Images: Recollect all the images that appeared in your mind at the time. Were there images of the holiday destination, or images of being stuck at home with the kids?
• Feelings: Name all the feelings you felt at the time, there may have been many. Naming those emotions does not make them go away, instead it does help you tolerate them with less confusion and turmoil.
• Thoughts: Try to remember all the thoughts that crowded your mind at the time. You may have tried to push them away. Now let them flow freely through your mind.

Neelima, how are you feeling after doing the SIFT exercise? Just pause for a moment to become aware of its impact on you. Tuning in to your feelings is another way of recognizing that something important was happening to you, that there was a lot more going on inside you than you believed. If necessary, take as much time as you need to explore all those feelings and notice how tiring they are. It also helps you see how the web of mixed emotions has caused you to be more reactive. By naming all those emotions and allowing yourself to feel them freely, you’ll be releasing a lot of emotional tension that has been building up inside you. You may well find yourself reassessing and downscaling the intensity of your stress. Now that you feel better let’s turn your attention to your children.

Is it possible that they are in a similar emotional turmoil, struggling with many other feelings and emotions other than disappointment? Perhaps so. How about you take them through the SIFT process separately? But you’ll have to first break the silence and deal with the tantrums.

Breaking the silence

Not an easy task, so let’s take it slow and easy. By giving you the silent treatment, your child is asserting a certain power over you—depriving you of something important to you, i.e., conversation and connection. But she’s hurting herself too. Like all children, she wants to feel connected to you. It’s the only way she can have her needs met. Alas, she’s using an unsuitable way to deal with the situation.

So, try to break her silence in one of the following ways:

• Make eye contact with her and use a gentle tone of voice as you say, “I know you don’t want to talk to us because of what you are feeling inside you. I’m sorry that this is happening to you.” Or say, “I’m hurting too. Can I talk to you about it?”
• Write her a note instead, using the same lines.
• Try to open a general conversation about something that’s hard to resist, like a special treat or an alternative holiday plan.

This won’t guarantee success, but it would at least make your intentions clear. Also, give her some time to process your words. Hopefully, your child will start talking to you soon. When she does, you can tell her about your own struggle with feelings and describe how you used SIFT to help yourself. Encourage her to try it. You can take her through the process just as you did for yourself.

Dealing with the tantrums

Throwing tantrums can leave your child feeling drained and distraught. All she seems to know right now is to use tantrums to deal with her emotions. Disappointment may be one of them, but there may be lots of other feelings she is harboring inside her.

• The first step is to reach out to her when she is in a calm state.
• Next, say to her in a kind tone, “I can see you’re feeling many things inside you about the canceled holiday. I have also been feeling many things. I tried something called SIFT to help myself. I’d like to show you how.”
• Encourage your child to do the SIFT activity; you can guide her along the steps.

The SIFT activity often reveals several underlying emotions and thoughts from other issues such as the dad being away often, previous instances of broken promises, not getting what they want, differing discipline expectations from parents, and stress from having to manage the household and the family responsibilities. As you listen to your children’s feelings, you’ll get to know what’s impacting them most. Often it may seem trivial to you, but for them it’s significant. So do have timely conversations around what they share with you. Such conversations often lead to effective solutions.

It’s essential that you avoid justifying yourself during the conversations. As mentioned earlier, we can’t change certain circumstances. But we can use a few strategies to ease their impact:

When plans change

• Expect emotional reactions even as you try to break the news as gently as possible
• Try to see things from their perspective
• Be understanding and supportive, and share your feelings too
• Involve the children in brainstorming for alternatives

When your child is upset

• Avoid saying “It’s okay” to calm them down
• Know that it’s alright for them to be upset
• Remember that they are going through a significant experience
• Stay with them even if they are reacting

When you feel overwhelmed

• Set boundaries for yourself
• Accept that like all parents, you too feel overwhelmed.
• Tell your children that you need a few minutes for yourself
• Explain the reason—it’s to calm yourself, not because you are angry with them
• Shift your attention to something else if you can’t bear to see them upset
• Return to the children, gauge their emotional states
• If necessary, use SIFT to help them through the emotions

When you need reassurance

• Recognize your strengths. Remind yourself of all the things you are doing well as you raise your children
• Focus on the things that matter most for your children, let go of the rest
• Remember that you are doing the best you can

Challenges are inevitable, and they offer opportunities to hone a key skill—how to manage difficult emotions. Gradually, we gain better control of our emotions, respond in helpful and supportive ways, and grow in confidence.

Neelima, while life will continue to challenge you in many ways, the SIFT strategy is one way of dealing with the emotions. We do hope you’ll soon find ways to manage the stress and enjoy some great conversations with your children. All the best!

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