Letting Go Is All About Letting Your Teen Grow—On Their Terms

"Rishi, Rishi, wake up! Come on, Papa wants us to go out for Sunday breakfast together. Get up, Rishi!"

Reena is knocking on her teenager's door.

Finally, 14-year-old Rishi opens the door.

"Mom, I don't want to go out", he mumbles.

"Rishi, it's 11.30 am already! Your light was on till past 1:00 a.m. I've told you before not to stay up so late. Now, get ready and come with us," snaps Kiran, his dad.

"No, I told you I don't want to go anywhere! Leave me alone!" Rishi shouts back and slams the door.

Reena and Kiran look at each other helplessly. Their son used to love going out as a family. Now, he refuses to go anywhere with them and prefers to be in his room or hang out with his friends. They don't know how to reach out to him, for he hardly talks to them. Their teenager, they worry, is slipping away from them.

Are you experiencing the same unsettling changes as Reena and Kiran? Do you also feel that your teen doesn't need you anymore?

Why Letting Go Is a Sign of Strong Parenting

When your child enters the teenage years, remember they are learning something new every day, in different ways. They are now beginning to shape themself, their personality, and create their identity. A big part of this exploration happens through their interaction with their peer group, their friends. Henceforth, it is with them, rather than you, their parents, that they are learning the most about themself. They will learn from the choices they make, the risks they take, and yes, the experiences that impact this path of self-discovery.

With friends and peers, your teen understands a little bit more about their likes and dislikes, and observes their own emotional responses and reactions, abilities, and capabilities. These interactions lead to self-discovery and, hence, are vital. It may seem that your teen is drawing away from you. You may feel lost and uninvolved at times. The truth is, your teen still needs you. The relationship they share with you continues to be a deep and loving one, but it is also evolving every day.

Change is constant

Think back to when your child was younger. At every stage of their growth, the parent-child relationship evolved, didn’t it? The preteen years are a unique in-between phase—your child is no longer entirely dependent on you, but still eager to share and connect. During middle childhood, leading up to the preteen stage, growth tends to be steady. You likely enjoyed frequent interaction and still had a fair amount of influence over your child’s daily life.

Then adolescence sets in. And everything changes, for your child and you. You may believe that you are ready for these changes, but your emotions may well overwhelm you. As your teen begins to focus more on friends and other social groups, you may feel lost and unwanted. Your child is not seeking you out as often as before. Like Reena and Kiran, you may think: 'My child used to share everything with me. Now he doesn't do that anymore!' or 'My child doesn't need me anymore.' It feels like the control over your child is slipping away, that there's less to do with your child. You may be confused about how to hold on to a relationship that is changing so much.

Your teen needs you, but differently

Why does your teen need you more than ever, now? First, let's look at all the changes your teen has to cope with.

• Physical growth: Puberty sets in with a spurt in physical growth, awkwardness, and body image concerns, and the gradual awareness of sexual feelings and urges.
• Cognitive growth: Your teen now questions almost everything. They seek to understand things through logic and reasoning. They begin to explore and formulate new ideals and, therefore, can be very judgmental and have strong opinions.
• Emotional growth: There are new emotions to cope with - intense feelings, attraction to the opposite sex, infatuations, falling in love.
• Social growth: Teens are widening their friendships, and there is increased interaction and dependency upon peer groups. Their hectic social lives revolve around choosing friendships and multiple social groups, finding a comfortable place in them, and engaging in a variety of activities with friends.

Listening to your teen: The key to trust

Your teen is dealing with all these complex changes. Your role as a parent remains intact, but how you play that role is important. Your teen needs to know and believe that 'I can always go back to my parents and talk to them about anything that might be disturbing me or worrying me. Or what I am curious about.' This is why your teen needs you - to answer curious questions or simply be available for support. They must be able to think: 'My parent is there for me to lean on, especially when I'm not feeling good.' However, your teen will determine when they want to connect with you. Be aware that this is the most natural way for your teen to behave.

So, how can you equip your teen with coping skills?

Ideally, your teen should have begun learning many important life skills from early childhood. Otherwise, they must start now. A bigger challenge for you and your teen would be to help them 'unlearn' behaviors that prevent them from becoming a responsible teen.

Here are some important skills that can help your child feel more ready and confident as they step into the teenage years:

Making decisions  

Teach your teen to make decisions on their own, or with your support. Involve them in family discussions that lead to making decisions. Have debates over social issues. The different points of view will give your teen a broad understanding of life situations and the different ways in which they can be handled. Let's take Reena and Kiran as an example. What if they had responded differently to their son, Rishi? Instead of telling him that he has to get ready this very moment, they ask him what he would like to do. "I want to have peanut butter and jam sandwiches," he replies. 'Well, then, let's make it together," says Reena, to Rishi's surprise. Kiran offers to make his special masala omelet to round things off. Rishi is amazed. Breakfast actually turns out to be fun.

Managing emotions

Show your teen how to manage their emotions. Help them expand their vocabulary by naming more complex emotions they are likely to experience, like feeling rejected, threatened, embarrassed, furious, or elated. Help them describe their feelings and let them know that all kinds of feelings are normal and natural. It helps to reduce the intensity of their emotions to more manageable levels.

Instead of becoming angry with their surly teenager, Reena and Kiran demonstrate to their son how they are managing their own emotions in the situation. They stay patient and calm. They tell him they understand that he feels sleepy and disoriented. "Do you want a cup of coffee?" asks Reena. Rishi is surprised. He had assumed his parents would be mad at him for getting up so late. "I slept late because I was designing a poster for my friend Smitha. It's her birthday tomorrow," he explains, a little shyly.

Coping with frustration

Your teen may want many things just as soon as they think of them. By not giving in to these demands all at once, they learn to wait and to cope with frustration.

For instance, Smitha, Rishi's friend, wants a new smartphone for her birthday. Her mother, Anitha, believes that Smitha can still use the one she has and suggests that she can perhaps save up to be able to pay for part of the cost of a new phone the following year. In this way, Smitha will learn to wait and also practice a good habit of saving. She will also learn to value the new phone when she gets it later.

Communicating with people

Be a role model to your teen. Show them how you communicate with people in respectful ways, like being courteous, apologizing, and agreeing to disagree. A pleasant tone of voice and positive body language show genuine interest in what people are saying and doing.

Rishi's room is a mess. "Clean up my room," he orders Shyla, their maid. But Reena, his mom, tells him he cannot talk to Shyla like that. "Also, it is not Shyla's job to do that," she points out. "It is your room, your mess. So, you must fold up your clothes and pick up all the stuff you have strewn around. Only then will Shyla dust and sweep the room," Reena adds. Here, Reena is firmly pointing out that Rishi cannot order the maid around. Rishi also learns that he is responsible for his stuff, including keeping his room neat.

Being empathetic

Teach your teen about empathy, the ability to feel what others feel. Present them with situations and ask them to think about what a person might be experiencing in each of them. This will help them recognize emotional cues in other people and respond suitably.

Rishi's mom, Reena, is looking upset. She goes into her room, and Rishi can hear her crying. "What's wrong? Why is Mom so upset?" he asks his dad. "She just found out that her best friend has a rare form of cancer. It has been a terrible shock. She will be okay, Rishi. She needs some time, that's all," Kiran explains. Rishi now understands. On an impulse, he goes to his mom and hugs her. She hugs him back, holds him close, and feels better. Sometimes empathy can be expressed in action.

Becoming resilient

Let your teen know that they can always bounce back from failure. Help them learn from mistakes. Ask them what went wrong and what they can do differently to help themself do better the next time. They will develop a positive attitude towards setbacks and failures. 'It's okay that I failed or had a setback. I can always learn and move on.'

In his mid-term test, Rishi scored just enough to scrape through in Math. The teen is upset. "I hate Math, I don't want to study it anymore!" he exclaims. Reena and Kiran know their teen is upset. So, they first say, "You must be feeling so bad and frustrated," and then gently ask him what he found tough in his exam. "The section on Calculus," he admits. Turns out the teacher has not explained the chapter well. With his parents' help, Rishi looks up YouTube videos that explain Calculus simply and clearly. Now, Rishi realizes it is not so tough after all. "And if I had not scored so badly, I would not have bothered to understand it better," he tells himself.

Letting go is important

A teen's mind is usually preoccupied with many things. So, your teen's conversations with friends are more interesting as they share similar growing-up experiences. Hence, they may be less expressive with you. They may answer you with phrases or monosyllables such as 'fine', 'ok', 'maybe', 'later', 'why', 'I know', 'how come', etc. A reluctance to talk about their day with you is often prompted by the fear of being judged, misunderstood, or criticized. It's possible your teen may also feel lost and confused about all the changes, strong emotions, and new experiences. This is why the parent-child relationship needs to move to a different level altogether.

When to step in, and when to step back

Teens need their parents more than ever now, but in different ways. So, letting go and yet being there for them is like a musical duet where sometimes they go solo, sometimes both of you sing in harmony, and you are always the backup chorus.

The most important thing to keep in mind is that you are there for each other. For it is your love and support that will help your teen learn and grow through the ups and downs of the teenage years.

Also read: Letting Go Is All About Letting Your Teen Grow Independent and Confident

Last updated on: August 13, 2025