Forget stress-busters, now it’s time for guilt-busters. Know how to bust mommy guilt

It is hard to forget that ghastly day. My six-year-old daughter had fever. The doctor had stressed the need to monitor her temperature at regular intervals. As a HR consultant, I was required for an urgent meeting in the office. I had a nanny to take care of my child, but would she be able to handle this situation? “Do you have to go to work today,” asked my daughter in a tearful voice. Guilt tore at me and helplessness followed… 

So, if this 5-line story brought a tear to your eye, you are not alone. Most working mothers can identify with feelings of inadequacy and guilt.

But, it does not need a crisis to arouse ‘mommy guilt’. You may occasionally use television as a babysitter, feed your child less than healthy food, or yell at him when you are dropping dead with fatigue. Mommy guilt will rise like a hydra-headed monster to make you feel inadequate and miserable. While parenting guilt strikes both moms and dads, social and cultural factors make mothers more susceptible. And, working mothers even more so.

Mommy guilt is no fun for the mother. However, experts believe that it is not necessarily a bad thing as it exists to serve a purpose. Rotkirch and Janhunen, in their 2010 study titled Maternal Guilt suggest, “Guilt plays a crucial role in determining the boundaries a mother has to draw between the diverging interests of the child and herself.” As such, it may serve to inhibit aggression, impulsive actions and neglect in parenting, the authors observe.

They also explain how guilt stems from the ‘motherhood myth’, which is a belief that a good mother should be unconditionally loving, never angry and constantly attentive.

Why do moms feel guilty?

In a private survey conducted in Australia in 2013, 32% of working mothers said that ‘mother guilt’ was the hardest thing they had to deal with when going back to work. While ‘going back to work’ topped the ‘mommy guilt causes’ list, there are other elements that equally send mommies into guilt mode.

• Not being successful in breastfeeding
• Not spending enough time with their kids
• Taking time for themselves
• Spending too much time on the phone or on social media
• Fighting with their spouse in front of the children
• Getting separated or divorced
• Not being able to protect their child from negative experiences like bullying or child sex abuse
• Being a bad role model in some way

In a book Mommy Guilt: Learn to Worry Less, Focus on What Matters Most, and Raise Happier Kids, the lead authors observed, “Parents today try too hard to be superhuman, often sacrificing their own well-being, and relationships with friends, family, even their spouses - to meet the ever-increasing demands of their children’s lives. Of course, such efforts inevitably fall short, and parents blame themselves.”

“I think while all mothers deal with feelings of guilt, working mothers are plagued by guilt on steroids!” – Arianna Huffington, Co-founder and editor-in-chief of The Huffington Post

How excessive guilt affects moms

Though mommy guilt is natural, it can take a serious toll on mental health if not addressed at the right time in the right manner. It can manifest in mothers as depression, anxiety, anger and low self-worth. Excessive guilt may make moms feel resentful towards their children. It may lead to overdoing things in an effort to be a perfect mom, which in turn leads to fatigue and irritability. In extreme cases, moms may take to substance abuse, overspending, or other addictive behavior.

This could also show up in their interactions with their children. ‘Guilty’ moms may give in to their children too easily and not enforce discipline. It is common to indulge their children with gifts to make up for the fact that they are not able to spend sufficient time with them. Two other likely reactions are becoming too strict or tending to be overprotective.

PARENT SPEAK  

“It helps that I work from home and do not work on more than three projects at a time. This way, I can set my own deadlines and schedule meetings and travel to my convenience. But I am busy on weekends when my kids are at home as clients are free at that time. That’s when my husband takes charge.

 I feel guilty at times when I am too busy to listen to what my children are saying. I feel less guilty when my children take pride in my work. I also feel less guilty when I realize it is good for my sons Hemanth (10) and Vasanth (15) to see that women have their individuality and identity and can have a life of their own that doesn’t involve family all the time.”

Mahalakshmi Jayaram, architect and working mother of two

How to deal with mommy guilt

Here are some strategies to bust mommy guilt:

Accept that there will be trade-offs: There are bound to be trade-offs and compromises when you combine motherhood with career. You may not be able to attend the Annual Day event at your child’s school because of work pressures. Talk to your child about it, let her express her disappointment if it makes her feel better. She is more likely to appease your guilt when you share your dilemma. She is then likely to give you a thumbs up. Ask her how you can make it up. Plan together. For instance, you can take her to the zoo on the weekend.

Don’t aspire to be a super mom: Don’t be harsh on yourself by trying to be a perfectionist. You don’t have to be a perfect parent to be a good one. Give up the wish to be a super mom and enjoy raising your child without being frazzled and guilt-ridden all the time.

Be realistic! It is common to set rules and expectations for oneself based on someone in our life whom we think of as model mother. Instead, set your expectations based on who you are, what your children are like, and what your circumstances are.

Keep telling yourself you are a good mother: Give yourself a pat on the back for taking care of the basics such as adequate sleep and healthy meals for your children. Recollect all the instances when you have shown patience and dealt with a difficult situation without losing your cool with your children.

Keeping a journal can be handy here. Every day, write down two things that made you feel good as a parent – the special meal you cooked, the homework help you gave your child, the hug you gave your child before he left for school, or the appreciation you showed when she showed you her painting.

At the same time, if you feel guilty about a specific incident, such as yelling at your child unreasonably, don’t hesitate to apologize to her.

Focus on the larger picture: Yes, we’ve all been through it. We are human and we do forget things. For instance, if your child did not take her lunchbox to school on one particular day and had to eat in the school cafeteria, there is really no need to beat yourself up about it. For one, your child may welcome the change. Additionally, your child may learn the crucial skill of figuring out ways to remember important items to be taken to school and he will learn to be more responsible.

Listen to other mothers: Connect with other moms who have children of the same age. Listening to their trials and tribulations will make you feel better. You will know that you are not alone. However, this could be counterproductive if you compare yourself to them, as it may make you feel even more inadequate. Sharing stories and experiences with other moms is great, but make sure to keep away from unnecessary comparisons and competition.

Talk to your partner: Talk to your spouse and listen to each other, as both of you review how parenting is going. Reach out to family members and friends. At times, it helps to vent and even have a good cry in front of an empathetic listener. Strictly avoid guilt-mongers who will only tell you that you are doing something wrong.

Get organized: You have a lot on your hands – taking care of your child, home, and career. It really helps to be more organized and therefore, the one word that matters is – PLANNING. Remember to plan things in advance.  Set reminders on your phone so that you do not forget what is important. Hire sufficient domestic help and also seek help from friends and family whenever there is a crisis situation.

Don’t let your kids make you feel guilty: If your children sense you are feeling guilty, they may capitalize on your guilt to get what they want. Be firm with them. Tell them you love them and are doing the best you can to care for them, but that you have other responsibilities as well. Also, educate them that by having a working mom they have the opportunity to become independent and strong.

When you are with them, ensure complete focus: Don’t try to multitask when you are spending time with your kids. Avoid distractions and mobile phones, and be ‘fully present’ with them.  This will ensure you have quality time together.

Remember your needs are important: How often do you do things for yourself? And, when you do, do you feel guilty? Self-care and pursuing hobbies are vital to rejuvenate yourself. They will only make you a more loving and caring mother. Get back to some of the activities you did when you weren’t a parent. As Swiss psychoanalyst Carl Jung has said: “Nothing has a stronger influence on the child, than the unlived life of the parent.”

What you can do right away

• Whenever you feel guilty, pause and ask whether you are being too harsh on yourself.
• When you are with the kids, focus on them completely.
• Take time for yourself – go for a massage, join a yoga class, or pursue a hobby you have always wanted to.
• Pat yourself on the back whenever you feel you have been a super mom.