Helping Your Teen Cope With the Loss Of A Friendship: Tips And Supportive Strategies

Radhika, a 14-year-old schoolgirl, whines, Nobody loves me; everybody hates me. I'm going to live on worms.The intensity of this declaration speaks volumes about the feelings of a teen, whose bestie has walked out of her life. It's like the whole world is abandoning her. And her mother's constant reassurance, "I am there for you," doesn't make any sense to Radhika, who just wants her best friend back in her life.

Mridul's dad looks at his 15-year-old son. "Something is amiss," he thinks. "Mridul's behavior has been different for the past two weeks. He seems to be lonely. He hasn't been talking on the phone or going out much". The dad hesitates to speak to his son, not knowing how to reach out to him. If only the dad knew the actual reason: Mridul and his close buddy have gone their separate ways.

These are common scenarios that play out in many homes. And often, parents may not know how to support their teens in helpful ways. In Radhika's case, she communicates her distress to her mother. But Mridul seems to be suffering in silence. Boys do tend to talk less, or not at all, about their feelings. And then some boys and girls manage to mask their stress successfully. It would either take a breakdown or a very observant parent to uncover the truth.

Teen friendships have great emotional depth. Friendships are built over intimate conversations and by doing things together, though the former is more common among girls and the latter among boys.

From her study on brain circuits published in the journal Psychological Science in 2014, neuroscientist Dylan Gee of Yale University concludes that puberty is a turning point for dealing with stress. She explains that while mothers are adept at reducing a young child's stress, they are ineffective when it comes to teen stress. Teen friendships are profound and full of shared secrets and implicit trust, understanding, and support. Thus, it's natural for teens to wean away from parents and lean toward their friends.

Let's get into a teen's mind to know what having a close friend means to them:

• I belong to people. It feels good to belong to a friend or a group of friends. They make me feel wanted and valued. It's great to know that my 'go-to' person or people will always welcome me.
• I am accepted. My friend accepts me for who I am, with all my faults and quirks. I can be my natural self. No judgments, no expectations. I feel safe. It's comforting, in a world filled with people who scrutinize and comment on everything I do.
• I trust, I am trusted. We have innumerable conversations— serious ones, deep ones, silly ones, secret ones. My friend helps me think things through when I am confused. We know when to give each other space without being misunderstood.
• I have fun and adventures. We share common interests, do new things together, and learn from each other. We even compete sometimes, and team up too. We take some risks, but we also watch each other's backs.
• I am encouraged. My friend pulls me up when I am down, tells me things will get better, and pushes me to keep trying so that I don't ever give up.
• I am supported. My friend stands up for me, understands my feelings, and puts up with my moods. We laugh together and cry together.

How awful your teen must feel to have all this suddenly snatched away. It's easy to see why the loss of a friend feels like it's the end of the world for your teen.

What causes the best of friends to break up?

• Teens are themselves going through big-time changes. In search of answers to the 'Who am I?' question, they explore and discover new interests and spend more time with new friends. Thus, many childhood friendships fade away naturally, giving way to new friendships.
• In an ongoing search for their individuality, teens are often tempted to explore the unknown—new groups of teens and new behaviors. The reticent or cautious friend may be uncomfortable taking risks or venturing into the new social territory. The relationship gradually weakens as friends go their different ways.
• Teens are often riding a roller-coaster of emotions. The emotional highs and lows common in friendships make them vulnerable to petty or big misunderstandings. Unhealed emotional wounds cause friends to be reactive with each other. The entangled bonds of friendship become hard to unravel.
• Conflicting values and beliefs between friends erode the foundations of friendship. Judgments creep in, and acceptance goes for a toss. Suddenly, expectations of the friend change. The foundations of the friendship are under threat.
• What happens when a friend gets involved in a romantic relationship? More attention and time are devoted to the object of their affection. And that leaves the friend feeling neglected and lonely. Often, feelings of jealousy surface, adding to the misery.
• There's little one can do when a friend relocates to another place—separation takes the friends in different directions, each one having to find new friends. Teens who have learnt to adapt to change look forward to the promise of new experiences a new place brings into their lives. Teens with poor adjustment skills find it difficult to make new friends.
• A self-centered teen with poor social skills has little or no concern for the feelings and needs of friends, and that makes for a difficult relationship. Eventually, friends move away because they would rather spend time with people who are sociable and fun to hang out with.
• There is a limit to a teen's patience and endurance when a friend becomes overdependent. Soon, the friendship reaches a breaking point and snaps.
• An over-possessive teen's controlling behaviors become burdensome in the relationship. She expends much emotional energy in monitoring her friend's activities and movements and manipulates situations to ensure that her friend spends time only with her.
• An anxious teen usually brings stress into relationships. A friend would prefer to use her energy to do things she enjoys rather than have to cope with additional stress in her life.

Whatever the reason that your teen has lost a good friend, it hurts you to see them feel so miserable.

Here are a few examples of what many well-meaning parents say to help their teen get over the loss, and the likely responses they evoke from a teen:

1. Parent: "Never mind, she was a no-good person anyway."

    Child: "She was so good to me."

2. Parent: "You can always find new friends."

    Child: "She's different. No one can replace her."

3. Parent: "It's no big deal. He doesn't deserve your friendship."

    Child: "You just don't get it, do you?"

4. Parent: "You'll get over it. There are more important things in  your life, like your studies."

    Child: "Ha. Who cares?"

5. Parent: "He's not your type. Now you know better."

    Child: "He's my type. And you don't know better."

6. Parent: "I'll be your best friend."

    Child: "No thanks! I can't tell you stuff. You wouldn't understand."

Although unintentional, the statements of the parents come across as put-downs, as attempts to deflect attention to things that are important to them. Moreover, the parents want to take the place of the friend and even trivialize the friendship breakup. What we see here is a huge disconnect between the parent and the teen.

What you can do to help

Look out for telltale signs

• Your teen suddenly becomes critical of a friend or avoids talking about the friend.
• There may be sarcastic comments about friendships in general.
• A cheerful disposition gives way to withdrawn behavior, moodiness, or anger outbursts.

Look for possible reasons behind the sudden changes in behavior.

Change the narrative

What you really want to be doing is to extend the kind of support your teen longs to have from you. We have captured that support in a handy step-by-step approach you can use—the ParentCircle P.E.A.C.E. process.

Here's how you or the parents of Radhika and Mridul could use the process to support your child through a breakup.

Pause

• Time for you to turn inward for a while. Name the emotions you're feeling.
• Radhika's mother must have been shocked, while Mridul's dad seemed unsure and helpless. It's probably a mix of very normal emotions that all people experience—sadness, annoyance, impatience, frustration, and anger.
• These feelings are prompted by certain thoughts running in your head, perhaps akin to the examples of the parents' statements mentioned earlier.
• These thoughts and emotions bring about changes in your body language and tone of voice. Your teen sees you as 'unapproachable' and interprets your words as 'careless and devoid of understanding.'
• But by taking the time to quieten your thoughts and calm your emotions before you approach your teen, your body language, words, and tone begin to reflect a calm emotional state. Your teen will then see you in control of your emotions and, therefore, more approachable.

Empathize

• Your teen needs to know that you genuinely feel their agony. Try to recall a time when you or someone you know lost a friendship. You may be overcome by a twinge of pain. Multiply that pain several times over, and you'll know exactly how your child is feeling right now.

Radhika's mother could say, "Oh my gosh! You must be feeling awfully sad and lonely. What can I do to help you?"

Mridul's dad could say to him, "You seem to be very quiet these days. You're not on the phone anymore, and you hardly go out to meet your friends. It must be tough if something has gone wrong with them."

• A single statement filled with empathy feels like a secure wrap around your teen. Your teen thinks, "You get it. You know how badly I am hurting inside."

Await

• Sit beside your teen, and wait for your empathy to take effect and weaken the intense emotions inside your teen.
• Look for cues in their body language—softening of facial expressions, relaxed muscles as they shift into a more comfortable posture, whimpering if they have been sobbing their heart out.
• You could hold your child's hand or give them a big, warm hug to sustain the effect of your empathy. Radhika and Mridul would eventually respond similarly to their parents.

Communicate

• This is when you gently ask to hear your teen's story. "Would you like to tell me what happened between you and your friend?" It doesn't matter that they tell you their side of the story because that is how they have experienced it. It's their reality.
• You may only ask questions to gain a deeper understanding of your teen's story. Maintain eye contact throughout your conversations, and set aside all distractions, including your smartphone. It lets your teen know that nothing else is more important to you than their well-being.
• You may share one of your experiences, just to let them know that broken friendships are not uncommon. You may want to have several conversations over many days until your teen feels more at ease.

And even though you see clearly that your teen may have contributed to the breakup, refrain from saying so because you must wait for them to first admit to it themself before they admit it to you.

Engage

• Now that your teen's emotions have subsided to manageable levels, they're able to think clearly. A thought-provoking conversation starter (e.g., "Now that you have told me the whole story, what would you like to do?") will serve as a springboard for more chats about friendships and breakups.
• Let your teen take the lead in these conversations, while you help broaden their understanding of friendships with varied points of view. Through all the introspection, your teen will learn to set aside presumptions and be more objective about people and situations.
• Ways to repair the relationship or to let go may emerge as they explore their feelings and begin to empathize with their friend.

As your teen slowly heals from the painful emotions of the breakup, they will return to doing their favorite activities, to focusing on what's important to them, and to the routine that gave them stability.

Showing up for your teen during their most difficult times has several benefits. Your teen learns to:

• Build trust in you
• Be more self-aware
• Regulate their emotions
• Take responsibility for their actions
• Manage conflicts in relationships
• Ask for help

By using the P.E.A.C.E. process as often as you need to, you will send your teen a strong message:

"I will pay attention to your needs. I will be there to comfort you. I will talk to you in ways that make you feel safe and secure."

Above all, your teen will learn to trust that you will always be there to listen, support, and guide.

If your teen happens to be the overdependent friend, the possessive one, or is an anxious child, you may want to seek professional help and guidance for your child.

In a nutshell

• Friends play an important role in your teen's social and emotional development.
• Your teen's friendships are precious and intense. Understand and respect friendships.
• A breakup with a friend is an emotionally disturbing experience that requires you to be sensitive and supportive of your teen's trauma.
• Practice using the P.E.A.C.E. process and make it your natural response whenever your teen goes through tough times.

What you could do right away

• Get to know who your teen's friends are and what draws them to each other.
• Be watchful of your teen. Watch closely to recognize subtle changes in different situations.