Taming Toddler Tantrums: Practical Ways To Calm Big Emotions And Support Kids

So, your child is throwing a tantrum. Again! The screaming, rolling, and throwing stuff around gets to you, and you're ready to flip your lid!

You've experienced these a hundred times before, and yet they keep coming back, no matter what you do—ignoring it, walking away, giving a piece of your mind, threats, and bribes.

Here's how you can step in without flipping your lid. No guarantees that the tantrums won't happen again, but we can tell you a thing or two about why they happen, how to deal with the different types of tantrums, feel more in control, and yes, be able to say, "Wow, that worked!"

So, let's see what works.

Why toddlers have tantrums and emotional outbursts

What tantrums really communicate

Did you know that when your child goes into tantrum mode, it means that something is bothering them? It could be that they badly want to get something, or that they just don't want to do something. Like a thunderstorm, they rumble into an Intentional tantrum, where they are in complete control of their feelings and emotions. That's their Thinking brain in action. The purpose is clear. Your child has to get their way, no questions asked! They try hard and push you to your limits. They know what your tipping point is and persist till they drive you there.

• “I want something.”

• "I don’t want to do something.”

Or, they could be distressed about something, and ride the waves of an Emotional tantrum—afraid, or frustrated, or disappointed, or tired and hungry, needing your attention, or feeling upset and uncomfortable. Their Emotional brain has taken over, and they have lost connection with the Thinking brain. No amount of reasoning will help at this point.

• “I’m overwhelmed, tired, or hungry.”

• “I don’t know how to express my feelings.”

Well, now we know that not all tantrums are the same. There are two types of tantrums, and each needs a different type of handling, right? Well, that makes sense. No wonder it has been such a struggle.

Understanding the two types of tantrums in toddlers

Children usually experience either:

• Intentional tantrums

• Emotional tantrums

Let's try to understand the two types of tantrums better with some examples.

What intentional tantrums are and why they happen

Real-life example of an intentional tantrum

Four-year-old Lekha and her mother stopped by a shop to pick up some snacks before proceeding to the park. Trouble began when Lekha saw an attractive box of crayons and insisted on having them. Her mother promptly put them away and explained to Lekha that she had enough and more of them at home. That was it! All hell broke loose. Lekha fell to the ground, kicking, screaming, and demanding that she be given what she wanted.

And what did her mother do? She took a deep breath to calm her rising embarrassment. She observed Lekha and understood that her daughter's tantrum was an intentional one. She looked at Lekha straight in the eye and, in a firm voice that meant business, addressed Lekha's thinking brain.

Lekha's mother gave her two choices:

1. Stop the tantrum and continue to the park, or

2. Go home immediately.

This clear boundary targeted her child's Thinking Brain.

Why intentional tantrums occur

• They want something immediately

• They want to avoid doing something

• They know this behavior has worked before

• They are testing boundaries

What emotional tantrums look like in toddlers

Real-life example of an emotional tantrum

Hema was enjoying a long chat with her neighbor. Her little son Manu was engrossed in playing with his toy train. It was way past his lunchtime. All of a sudden, Manu ran to his mother, crying, and tugged at her hand.

What did Hema do? She glanced at the clock, realized it was late, and understood that her son was hungry and tired. Instead of reacting to his behavior, she chose to connect with his Emotional brain. She gave him a warm hug to calm him down, and then quickly proceeded to serve his meal.

Signs your child is in an emotional tantrum

• Intense crying

• Trembling or shaking

• Needing touch or closeness

• Difficulty calming down

• No clear “goal” to the tantrum

There's something else you need to know about tantrums. Remember how angry and helpless you feel when the tantrum is at its worst? You are ready to hit the roof yourself. Well, don't. Just take a deep breath and know that the worst is almost over. That's right.

The tantrum cycle: what happens before, during, and after

A tantrum generally follows a pattern:

The build-up

It starts with crying, whining, yelling, and restlessness.

The peak

The behavior gets increasingly uncontrollable with the rolling, flinging, and headbanging as it reaches a peak. This is when emotions are at their highest.

The calming phase

It gives way to sobbing, slowing down, wanting comfort, clinging. This final phase is the best time for you to step in and soothe the child.

Effective ways to handle tantrums and calm big emotions

Here's a bag of tricks to keep both types of tantrums at bay:

• Spot the triggers early
• Keep food or snacks handy
• Stick to a routine and follow it
• Don't overschedule with multiple activities
• Make time for your child
• Break tasks into small, doable steps
• Give limited choices

What NOT to do

• Don't give in, particularly to intentional tantrums; otherwise, your child will pick up the habit of throwing a tantrum to get what they want.
• Don't have rigid rules or unrealistic expectations

Intentional tantrums require firmness.

Emotional tantrums require connection.

When toddler tantrums may be a sign to seek help

When should you worry about your child's tantrums? When you've tried every which way, and nothing seems to work.

Red flags to watch for

Here are a few guidelines that will tell you when it's time to seek help. Your child:

• Has frequent tantrums (10 to 20 a month or more than five a day, or multiple times outside the home)
• Hurts themself or others
• Shows extreme aggression
• Has tantrums that last unusually long
• Struggles to calm down after every tantrum

A reassuring reminder for parents navigating tantrums

You may have no control over when and how your child will throw tantrums, but now you know how not to flip the lid when the tantrums become full-blown ones. So, give yourself a thumbs-up!