The Ultimate Kid-Friendly Reward System – Easy And Effective Rewards For Kids

Fed up of scattered toys that are never put away where they belong? Up against homework resistance from your all-play-no-work primary schooler? Trying to get your preschooler to finish their meals by themselves? Working on putting a bedtime routine in place? A reward system could give you the breakthrough you need.

Why give rewards?

Dr Nithya Poornima, a renowned clinical psychologist from NIMHANS and a member of the ParentCircle Advisory Board, says, "Whenever you reward a particular act of your child with a smile, more attention or a sticker, you convey to them that their behavior is acceptable or you want to see more of this behavior."

In addition to encouraging desired behaviors, a reward gives children clarity, a sense of control, and predictability. They will know what is expected of them, and what they will be given in return (when I clear my desk, I'll get a sticker or when I make my bed, mummy will give me a smile and a high five).

Types of rewards

A reward doesn't just have to be a prize toy or a much-liked treat. It could take many forms, some of which will cost you nothing but have a great impact.

Social rewards: These are interactions that your child finds rewarding. When you smile at your child, give them a hug or a high five, or when you clap or praise them for something they did, they will feel good and will try to repeat that behavior.

Activities: Your young child cherishes time spent playing with you. Activities such as going to the park or out to play, or sitting and playing a board game together at home can be used as rewards.

When you smile at your child, give them a hug or a high five, or when you clap or praise them for something they did, they will feel good and will try to repeat that behavior.

Material rewards: Toys, colored pencils, books, or any other object of interest or significance to the child can be used as rewards. While it may not be feasible to give material rewards every time, you can come up with a sticker or jar system (see box below) to help your child earn these prizes through helpful or acceptable behavior over time.

But avoid using food as a reward. As Dr Poornima explains, "We would like food to be associated with hunger and fullness. Kids can get confused about food when they start to think, 'I'm feeling good, so I'll have cake today,' or 'I'm going to get a pizza as a reward!'

If you're using food as a reward, she suggests making your child do a fun physical activity such as a walk to a restaurant or a park to balance the calorie-rich food given as a reward.

Setting up a reward system

A well-planned reward system can make your children self-motivated, disciplined and responsible in the long run. Dr Poornima outlines the three requirements of an effective reward system:

Contingency: A reward is given only after your child performs a task or behavior that has been agreed upon. For your child to receive the reward, they must first complete the action expected of them.

Immediacy: Rewards work best when they're given immediately after the desired act or behavior. The reward doesn't have to be a chocolate or a new book. It could be a high five or a hug, given as soon as the task is completed to let your child know you recognize and appreciate their effort.

Consistency: For your child to develop a healthy behavior into a habit, stay focused on the skill or attribute you hope to develop in them through the reward. It will be helpful to repeat this message each time you appreciate your child for completing a task that is a part of your goals for them.

Dr Poornima urges parents to get into a reward system with a clear idea of the skill or habit they wish to cultivate in their child. Is it self-care, sharing, or helping? Then they should tell their child how an expected behavior will benefit them.

Children need to be told well before the reward system kicks off, about the exact behavior that is expected of them and how it will be rewarded. For example, when you tell your child they will be rewarded with a star for brushing their teeth by themselves, do you expect them to:

(a) go to the washroom by themselves, without being prompted, and then pick up their toothbrush, apply toothpaste, brush and rinse their mouth, or

(b) merely brush their teeth after you take them to the bathroom and hand them their brush with the paste applied to it?

You can say some words of appreciation while giving a reward, just to summarize what is being rewarded and why. For example, "You brushed your teeth on your own today. You have taken care of your teeth! You'll now get your reward."

"This appreciation is very important if you want your child to develop the habit you're trying to build. After some time, you want your child to brush their teeth on their own because they want to take care of their teeth, not because they will get a reward if they finish brushing," Dr Poornima explains.

What Not To Do

Focusing on too many goals at once: "When you have more targets, your child can feel constantly monitored and scrutinized. They might get fed up when things go beyond their zone of accessibility and say, 'Do whatever you want. I don't want your reward!' Dr Poornima cautions.

She recommends building one habit or behavior at a time. "Start with one behavior. When your child becomes partially good at it, support them to become better at it and more independent. Gradually, add on more target behaviors, but not more than three to five at a time," says Dr Poornima.

Letting rewards become transactions: "Often, we fail to talk about the purpose behind encouraging a behavior. Parents would say, 'As long as we give rewards, the child completes the task. Once we take away the reward, they stop doing it.' If we tell them the reason, they make their bed (keeping their room neat and organized) or clear their desk (being responsible for their belongings), that can become their motivation," Dr Poornima observes.

Creating an effective age-based reward system

For the reward system to be successful, you need to chart it out based on your child's age.

Preschoolers (Ages 3-5)

"For preschoolers, just exploring their abilities can be very rewarding. When they try out things such as walking up and down the stairs or pouring from a cup without spilling, they find them rewarding because of novelty and because they see adults doing these things daily. When we start giving a reward for such tasks, it may deplete your child's motivation," warns Dr Poornima.

So, if your child is particular about putting things in their place because they value neatness, do NOT reward them for it. Neatness itself is their reward. But you can encourage the behavior by saying, "Thank you! The place looks so much neater now!" suggests Dr Poornima.

But if you want your professional mess-maker to develop the skill of tidying up, reward them for packing up their toys or putting away their crayons.

Preschoolers can be rewarded for self-care activities they have trouble doing independently, such as dressing themselves or eating a meal.

Rewards these young children cherish:

• Parental attention costs nothing and can be generously given.
• Activities involving play, depending on the child's preferences.
• Collaborations - giving them choices on the reward, such as, "Would you like a sticker or would you like me to clap for you whenever you put your toys away?"
• Stars or smiley faces - draw these on their hands, saying you're doing it because they were gentle with the family dog or because they ate a meal independently.
• Small toys or objects they've been wanting.

Primary schoolers (Ages 6-8)

These kids might need an incentive to finish their schoolwork, manage their chores, or help you around the house. You can reward them for:

• completing their homework (with your guidance, wherever necessary)
• watering plants
• taking care of a pet
• fetching milk or newspaper or sorting groceries
• packing their school bag
• getting ready on time

"Not every child will be able to complete their tasks independently. Parents need to coach their children on how to go about things, before asking them to complete tasks on their own. Coaching is especially important for primary schoolers," reminds Dr Poornima.

Primary schoolers find encouragement in:

• Words of appreciation or a commendation put up on the fridge.
• A homemade certificate or trophy to award specific tasks (such as being focused on a given activity).
• Cash rewards are okay for older primary schoolers, provided they are not given cash directly for spending immediately. The child can be encouraged to save up for a fixed time or put the money into a hobby or extracurricular activity.

Weaning your child off rewards

Dr Poornima suggests, "After you've developed a behavior through consistent rewards and the child has been doing the behavior consistently, gradually move from material or activity rewards to social rewards. You could communicate this to them by saying, 'You must be so proud that you have become an expert at ________. Since you've mastered the behavior, you won't need a reward for it anymore! But guess what? This feat calls for a celebration! So let's do an activity together that you and I will both enjoy. Could we (option 1), (option 2), or (option 3)? You get to choose.'

However, she suggests that when we are taking away or stopping a reward, we must ensure that there are other times or activities during the day that are rewarding and predictable. For example, a fixed playtime with you every day is not linked to any reward or behavior. She adds, "We generally don't pay attention to a child who is quietly playing by themselves. We step in only when they cry, whine or fight with another child. We naturally respond by rewarding negative behavior with attention. When we stop paying attention to a good behavior we have built up through rewards, our child might develop other issues to get that same attention."

Planning other fun activities when you withdraw a reward will help strengthen the parent-child bond and your child is more likely to follow instructions.

So, channel your time, attention, effort and rewards thoughtfully to help your child develop into their best selves. Here's hoping that you find the reward system helpful!