Boosting Parent-Child Bonds With Positive Communication: How Language Shapes Relationships

'No', 'don't', 'stop that'. We use these words with our children more often than we should, unmindful of the adverse impact these negative words have on young minds.

Using negative language with a child does not help them improve in any way. It only brings down their self-esteem, causing them to feel unsure of themselves and confused. On the other hand, using positive language enables them to understand what is expected of them and makes them more willing to cooperate.

Here are a few tips to help make your conversations with your child more positive and create a stronger parent-child bond.

1. Replace the negative with the positive: While negative words help us give vent to our frustration, do they help the child? The answer is 'No'. The biggest drawback of negative communication is that it fails to convey to the child what they should be doing. So, focus on using more positive terms when speaking. For instance, your child is running on the road and you would like them to walk. When you say, "'Don't run," your child feels confused, as they are unable to understand what you mean. They may interpret your words as being asked to stop in their path. However, when you say, "Please walk," your instruction is clear to your child. So, use words that help your child correct themselves instead of using the terms 'no' or 'don't.' With time, you will find that your child is more willing to comply with what you say.

Here are a few positive alternatives to negative phrases:

• Don't shout – Talk softly, please
• Stop hitting them – Please be gentle with them
• Stop crying – It's okay to be upset
• Don't touch anything – Please keep your hands to yourself
• You can't play with that – Maybe we can play with that later

2. Use inviting words: Words like 'let's,' 'may,' and 'can' are better alternatives to 'no.' For example, if your child wants to paint while having food, instead of saying, "No, you can't do that now," say, "Let's paint after we finish our lunch." This assures your child that they can take up the activity at a certain time. It also makes them feel pleased as their wish is being acknowledged, thus increasing their willingness to cooperate. Do remember to appreciate and praise your child when they cooperate with you by using positive phrases like, "I'm so pleased that you waited to finish your lunch before starting to paint," or "Thank you for being patient." Using negative words with older children can make them turn a deaf ear to what is being said or enter into an argument with parents.

3. Avoid hurtful or derogatory comments: Always be respectful when speaking to your child, and avoid labeling them with hurtful words. When you use discourteous language, it deals a huge blow to your child's sense of self-worth and confidence. Use polite words while giving instructions or asking your child to do something. For instance, "When you finish playing, please put back your toys in the basket." Using polite words encourages positive responses. If your child has behaved inappropriately, use words that denounce the behavior but not them. Also, when you speak disrespectfully to your child, they are bound to pick up the habit and use language similar to others'. Also, avoid making remarks that show a gender bias, such as, "Don't cry like a girl." Instead, you can say, "It's okay to be upset."

4. Avoid scaring the child: If you have the habit of scaring your child when they challenge you with bad behavior, think again. Using phrases such as "I will leave you and never come back" or "I will never forgive you" to scare your child is extremely damaging and a threat to the trust they have in you. Although such talk may allow you to take control of the situation, it causes the child immense distress. And the words lose their effectiveness after some time, as your child becomes used to it. Also, putting fear into your child could fill them with anger and resentment, leading to conflict and power struggles.

5. Watch your tone and body language: Your body language, tone, and manner of speaking are factors that contribute greatly to the message you wish to convey and significantly influence your child's behavior and response. Use a pleasant and polite tone when you talk. Connect with them by making eye contact when you speak. This helps them relate better and understand what you are saying. A smile or pat on the back reinforces your words and enables both positive and effective communication.

6. Speak as you would want to be spoken to: Don't you feel annoyed when your child whines or speaks rudely? So, avoid doing the same. If your child raises their voice, don't raise yours in the hope that it will make them listen to you. Wait till they calm down and then talk peacefully. Speaking after tempers have calmed down increases the prospects of using positive words and makes you a role model worth emulating.

When you try to use more affirmative and assertive language, it positively impacts the relationship you share with your child because it makes them feel encouraged and empowered. As far as possible, restrict the word 'no' to emergencies or when your child is in imminent danger.