Why Is Your 9-year-old Behaving Like A Teenager? Tweens Want To Have Their Way, And How!

"You promised me I could watch that show. So what if I haven't finished my homework, I'm not going to do it now!"

Nine-year-old Rahul is shouting at his mother, Ankita. When she tries to reason with him, the child suddenly bursts into tears.

"You promised, but you didn't keep your word. I hate you!"

Refusing to listen to her, he walks off into his room and slams the door.

Ankita is upset and bewildered. She is unable to understand her son's behavior. These days, he is extremely unpredictable—one minute he is his usual sweet-natured self, the next minute the child is sulking, crying over small issues, slamming doors, and being disrespectful.

"He has become very emotional and is quick to anger, as well. But he is not even a teenager yet! I cannot understand why he is like this," the worried mother confides to her friends. To her surprise, friends who have children around the same age tell her they are facing the same thing at home. They too are puzzled and do not know how to handle this stage in their children.

Have you experienced this as well? Are you a parent whose tween (children in the seven to 12 age group) has been exhibiting changing moods and emotions? Knowing why this is happening will help you feel less stressed about their behavior. And that means you will be able to help your tween manage their emotions more healthily.

Your tween and change

That children are constantly growing and changing is something you already know. But their behavior changes in small ways as they shed their early and middle years. And as your child crosses age nine and edges closer to teenage, they go through a complex phase of growth, both internal and external. The physical changes are visible, but it is the invisible ones that are not so easy to see or comprehend—both for you and your child. As psychologist Aarti Rajaratnam points out: "Tweens go through major changes physically, hormonally, emotionally, neurologically, and also have to deal with a sudden jump in academic goals and pressures." This is a transitional phase. So much change happening at the same time can be difficult to handle, even for adults. Imagine how it must be for your child. 

How you can help

• Recognize that your child is changing and accept those changes. Isn't it rather unfair to expect your little one to remain the way she used to be at age five?
• Note that your child is asserting their independence, has their own opinion about things. Does it upset you that your child is no longer so dependent on you, or does not require your approval for everything they do?
• Ms Aarti stresses, "A supportive environment is essential. The best way to deal with this age group is for parents (and other adults, like teachers) to be more understanding and empathetic, instead of demanding and punitive."
• Stay connected to your child. Make sure they know that you love them and are always there for them. No matter how they are behaving at the time. Your presence—emotional, physical, and psychological—is necessary for your child, especially now.

Your tween and moody behavior

Your child will experience and display significant mood swings in the course of a day. So, there can be sudden outbursts of anger, a tendency to sulk, and get upset over seemingly trivial issues. Such behavior may seem inexplicable. And it can be challenging to stay calm through it all. This means your child is also suddenly more sensitive to everything you say. And they may react or respond in a way that disturbs you. "Anger is the one emotion that most parents and teachers find hard to deal with because it also manifests as violence. However, even states like extreme anxiety, fear, and sadness are common in the tween years," observes Ms Aarti.

How you can help 

• Yes, your child displays different moods within short periods. Understand that and try your best to stay patient.
• Dealing with your child's anger can also be challenging. Your anger is also normal, so make the effort to stay calm. Remember, how you react and respond to your tween does make a difference. According to Ms Aarti, "With two-way communication and the opportunity to express themselves, most tweens settle down and develop emotional regulation gradually. What's more, the fastest predictor of this learning will be the opportunity to model adults who also deal with emotions like anger effectively."

Your tween and emotional maturity

Your tween's emotional regulation skills are still developing. They may not even know why they react. Therefore, asking them why they're so upset about something that you think is trivial is not helpful. They are unable to explain because they don't understand it as yet.

How you can help

• Be empathetic and don't belittle your child's emotions. Do not say, "Why are you crying over something so silly?" "Instead, try and nurture emotional maturity in your child as that is a vital life skill," says psychologist Dr Sulata Shenoy. "This requires modeling the emotional maturity for your child, too."
• "Recognize that emotions are not right or wrong. What matters is how emotions are expressed. For instance, an extremely happy person may hug another person till it hurts. That is an inappropriate response as an angry/aggressive person doing the same," Dr Sulata points out.
• "Look at your own responses to your child's behavior and manage your own emotions better. Sit with your child and get her to open up. Let her know that what she is feeling is okay. In time, she will learn to deal with her emotions better."

Your tween and discipline

Your tween can be disrespectful, behave badly, or have angry outbursts. They may slam doors and yell at you, saying things like "I hate you!", "You are always so unfair!" and so on. They may not be willing to listen to what you have to say and may simply ignore you or look away or rebel, or flatly refuse to do something. For instance, if you tell them that television time is over and they must finish their studies now, they may even disregard you. Or, go on to throw a tantrum!

How you can help

• First, try not to take it personally when your tween is rude. They do not mean what they say. Rather than immediately punishing your child, give them some quiet time so they can calm down.
• Then, ask them why they are upset. Just listen and try not to interrupt or tell them what to do. Instead of lecturing, allow them to explain. It will also help if you hug them and say you love them.
• Then be firm and reasonable. Offer help with time management and make sure they know some rules are non-negotiable. Help them prioritize and let them have screentime after their homework and studies are completed.

Your tween and habits

As your child grows and changes, their habits have an impact on their wellbeing.  For instance, your child's moodiness and behavior may sometimes be caused by sleep deprivation that leaves them overtired and unable to cope with what is happening.

Similarly, unregulated screentime compromises their physical activity and play. Another vital aspect is diet. Sugary cereal for breakfast, and fried foods too often, can play havoc with their health. Stress that builds up between family members can also affect the child's emotional state.

How you can help

• Dr Shenoy says parents often overlook the role of external factors. "Hunger, lack of sleep, and stress (at school or home) can aggravate the condition, so it is important to take care of these factors first," she stresses.
• Remember, when parents fight, it can leave a lasting impression on your child. After all, children are very sensitive and react to emotional undercurrents at home.
• Ensure you give your child nutritious food and cut down on high-salt, high-sugar foods.
• Limiting gadget time and encouraging physical play is a good idea. Are there friends your child can play with in the neighborhood? If not, enrolling them in dance or some sport or martial art can make a difference. This will have a positive effect on your child, boost their self-esteem, and keep them healthy and happy.

Your tween may be asserting their independence, but deep down, they need to be reassured that you are there for them. During their tweens, make the effort to stay connected. The bond you build will prepare them for the greater changes they will experience in the teenage years.