Parenting

How To Rekindle The Romance With Your Spouse

Answered by Team ParentCircle

My husband and I have been married for 13 years. We have three kids—two daughters and a son. Juggling our jobs, home and kids leaves us no time for ourselves. New concepts like “date night” are alien to us. And I don’t think we are comfortable leaving the kids alone and going out. What do we do to bring back the spark and get us some “us time”? Please suggest ideas for the Indian family setup.

– Shalini, Chennai

Shalini, we hear you loud and clear, and you’re definitely not alone in this. Your query must surely resonate with scores of mothers like you. We’re so glad that you’ve made a timely decision to revive your emotional bonds with your spouse. It’s the best thing you can do for yourselves and your children.

Before we share some of our ideas with you, we want to make sure there are no sneaky thoughts and emotions that could derail your efforts. Often, it’s an inner conflict where your mind wishes to do something (intention), but guilt and helplessness (unhelpful emotions) get in the way.

To reverse these emotions and move forward with your intention, the foremost step is to give yourself permission to do what you want. Shalini, what does “giving myself permission” look like for you? Is it about letting go of inhibiting voices in your head or of people around you, people’s expectations, societal norms and cultural expectations of the mother role, or an unrealistic aspiration? Do take some time to mull over these possibilities. Bringing these subconscious thoughts to your conscious awareness invests you with the power of choice to divert them. Try to observe your inhibiting thoughts as leaves or debris flowing in a river, upstream and away. And then, give yourself a powerful affirmation: “I give myself wholehearted permission to have ‘us time’ with my husband.”

Once you permit yourself to follow your own path, you’ll begin to trust yourself more. You already know what energizes and resonates for you as partners, what makes you tune in to each other’s cues. And do remember that as individuals and as a couple, you’re now in a different life stage. The practicalities of family life and work life slowly edge out the romance and idealism that you started out with. But you can always find new ways to rekindle the spark in your relationship. We share some ideas here.

Slay the parenting time-stealers —

We often find comfort in old routines, not realizing they don’t serve our purposes anymore. Perhaps it’s time to realign ourselves to our present circumstances.

• Remember the guilt we talked about earlier? Attending to your children’s needs is a given, but are you stretching yourself above and beyond their needs because it makes you feel nice or quells the guilt? Try asking yourself: “Am I allowing my children to become independent in their self-care routines? Where can I step back and let them take over?” Of course, it would vary with each child’s age and abilities.
• Think about the daily routines you’re currently following. You may be surprised to discover how a few tiny changes can give you some extra moments for yourself. You could use those bonus moments to relax and let your mind reminisce about the romance you shared with your husband. Igniting the sparks within you is a good place to start and could well motivate you to find time to spend with your spouse.
• Ponder over your expectations of your home, and try to zero in on what is essential and what is optional. You may be trying to squeeze in too much into the limited time you have. Instead, focusing on the essentials will give you the time you need to attend to your own well-being and happiness. The optional can wait.
• Reframe your thoughts. What feels like a “struggle” can be transformed into something doable when you view it as “solving a problem.” A struggle is stress inducing and time-consuming, whereas problem-solving is purposeful and ends sooner.

Find “us time” in the ordinary —

As your relationship matures, the bells and whistles of young romance may be less frequent, but your love will grow stronger as you find ways to nurture your relationship. It’s the consistent small and tender moments of physical and emotional connection with each other on ordinary days that matter in the long run. Stealing a quick hug or a kiss, brushing against each other as you pass by, looking into the eyes when you converse, a pat on the back, a squeeze on the shoulder, in fact any kind of subtle touch is an unmistakable signal of connection that is bound to spark off the emotions of love and tenderness. A knowing grin, a warm smile, friendly banter and humor, acts of kindness, praying and worshipping together, and cooking or cleaning together are also expressions of love. And it can all happen without attracting unnecessary attention or embarrassment.

• Be mindful of each other’s preferences for expressing love. It helps you to be respectful of them and builds trust in your relationship.
• Respond to each other’s gestures and make it your secret love language.
• Make sure your partner experiences a moment of connection as often as possible—when you wake up in the morning, before you leave for work, when you return from work, and before you go to bed. Even a single moment of connection is good enough on a hectic day.
• Rituals help you stay connected with your partner. Have your morning beverage together, see your partner off at the door, offer a fist bump or a high five to greet or appreciate each other.
• Share the same space even if you’re doing different things because it brings contentment. Being in each other’s presence is also reassuring and conveys a deep sense of togetherness. Understanding each other’s silences is often an expression of deep love.
• Express your love through quiet gestures like helping with a task, saying thank you, pitching in to ease a rough day, sending text messages when you’re delayed or away from home. It reminds your partner of your love and care for them.
• Make room for reasonable arguments. It’s a way of engaging with each other over things you both care about.
• Stay playful. It’s a sure way to ignite the love sparks. Playfulness brings out the natural, spontaneous you. The innocence, warmth and laughter are always endearing and bring a sense of closeness and comfort.
• Sneak love notes into your partner’s bag or cupboard.
• Prepare your partner’s favorite dishes occasionally to show how much you care.
• Bond over things you both enjoy—food, sport, spirituality, movies, music, travel, shopping.
• Listen intently to each other to demonstrate how much you value their presence and words.
• Appreciate your partner when you’re together with friends and relatives. These are indirect moments of connection that reflect your love and gratitude.

Shalini, as you try the suggestions that might work for you, your mind and body become more prepared and receptive to your partner, especially when you do find the time and privacy for sexual intimacy. You may experience the bells and whistles all over again!

And so, even with your hands full, Shalini, we hope you’ll be able to make a few trade-offs so you can enjoy an everlasting love with your husband. All the best to both of you!

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