Parenting Challenges And Ways To Effectively Deal With Challenging Behaviors

“Let’s go,” says Akshara.

“No!” responds her 4-year-old daughter vehemently.

“We will be late to school. We must leave now,” reiterates Akshara nervously, because she senses a tantrum coming up.

“No, no, no!” is the response, each “no” a few decibels louder than the previous one. Soon, the child is having a roaring meltdown, crying, screaming, and rolling on the floor.

***

Devi walks in on her 8-year-old son watching pornography, and is shocked. When she confronts him, he denies it saying, “I don’t know what that is! I clicked on a random advertisement and that showed up.” He seems to have got into the habit of telling lies constantly, even about trivial things like whether he has brushed his teeth or not. Devi is worried.

***

Rajkumar is perplexed. His 15-year-old son has just stormed out of the room, banging the door shut on his way out. They were having a discussion about applying to some regular schools after 10th grade, along with the premium ones, when the teenager yelled, “Why can’t you believe in me? You have always thought of me as stupid!”

***

Anjali is devastated. Her 19-year-old daughter has just come out to her as bisexual. She doesn’t know how to react to this revelation. If she is honest with herself, Anjali is struggling to even comprehend what it means.

These are but a few examples of how challenging parenting has become in modern times. Be it a toddler, middle-schooler, high-schooler or a young adult we are dealing with, parenting is rife with challenges at each and every stage.

What Causes Challenging Behaviors

Here are some of the reasons for difficult or challenging behaviors in children:

• Maturity level: Children go through different stages of development. Younger children may lack impulse control or have difficulty understanding rules, while older children might test boundaries as they assert their independence.
• Attention-seeking: Some children may act out to gain attention from their parents, caregivers, or peers. They may engage in disruptive behavior as a way to get noticed, even if it means receiving negative attention.
• Intense emotions: Strong emotions, such as anger, frustration, or sadness, can lead to challenging behaviors because children might not have the necessary skills to express or regulate their emotions effectively, leading to outbursts.
• Lack of structure: If children are not provided with clear rules, boundaries, and consistent discipline, they may struggle to understand what is expected of them. Without proper guidance, they may exhibit inappropriate behavior.
• Lack of skills: Children may not possess the necessary skills to handle certain situations appropriately. For example, they may struggle with problem-solving, conflict resolution, or effective communication, leading to acting out as a way to cope.
• Adults/Peers in the environment: Children are observational learners. They often watch their parents and other adults, and learn by imitating the behaviors they see around them. If they witness aggressive or disrespectful behavior from adults or peers, they may emulate it, leading to challenging behaviors.
• Underlying conditions: Sometimes, difficult behaviors can be a symptom of underlying physical or psychological issues. Conditions such as attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), anxiety, or sensory processing disorders can affect a child’s behavior and self-regulation.
• Need for autonomy: As children grow older, they develop a desire for independence and autonomy. They may push boundaries and challenge authority figures as they strive to assert their own identities and make their own choices.
• Self-discovery: As children grow and explore themselves, they may learn about new and different aspects of themselves, especially their sexuality, orientation, preferences and so on. Communicating these to parents may sometimes be perceived as challenging, both by the children as well as parents.

How Parents Typically Respond

When young children act out, parents try to reason with them. In many instances, this aggravates the situation. This is because, when children are experiencing an emotional overload, their cognition goes offline. During a massive meltdown, children are incapable of thinking things through. Moreover, children younger than 8 years of age are developmentally not capable of understanding adult logic and reasoning.

Parents of slightly older children tend to try different disciplining strategies to find one that works. These may range from rewarding desirable behaviors and boundary-setting to modeling desirable behaviors and seeking professional help. Sometimes, these strategies work, when executed in a calm and respectful manner, but at other times, they may backfire, especially when enforcing of consequences come to be perceived by children as punishment.

Parents of adolescents are often at a loss, because ideas that seemed to have been working until then suddenly seem to become ineffective. Sometimes, when parents are exhausted and flustered, they tend to respond with irritation or anger, and at other times, they may go quiet and withdraw. There is a need to continuously evolve and adapt parenting strategies and approaches to match the evolving needs of our children as they grow into adolescents and eventually mature into young adults.

How Your Reactions Impact Your Child

Stressful situations can make us reactive, implying that we are unable to regulate our emotions. When challenging behaviors occur, both you and your child may end up in reactive emotional states. Dismissing or ignoring your child’s emotions can lead to emotional regulation difficulties and a low emotional quotient (EQ). When your responses are harsh or critical, they can erode your child’s self-esteem, leading to feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness. Negative or inconsistent responses can strain the parent-child relationship, leading to emotional distance between you and your child, because your child may shut down and suppress their feelings or end up displaying even more difficult behaviors. Punitive responses often cause the child to withdraw and hinder their ability to think through situations and solve problems in a healthy manner.

How You Can Respond to Challenging Behaviors

On the other hand, when parents choose to respond instead of reacting to difficult behaviors, the equation changes. Responding refers to taking a pause to calm your emotions before you begin to communicate with your child. This prepares you to respond with understanding and helps to coregulate your child’s emotions. When your responses are tempered with empathy and patience, your child feels emotionally safe. Besides, your child will learn to empathize with others’ perspectives and feelings and respond with compassion.

When you validate and acknowledge your child’s feelings, offer support and guidance, your child will learn about healthy ways to express and manage their emotions. Moreover, your positive and supportive responses can help your child develop a positive self-image, confidence, and resilience. Empathetic and nurturing responses will help build trust and strengthen the bond between you and your child. Your consistent positive responses can help your child feel secure and loved. To help your child learn effective ways to express their needs, resolve conflicts, and solve problems, engage in open and constructive communication with them.

Note: Every child and situation is unique, and what works for one child may not work for another. Parenting approaches need to be flexible and adaptive, taking into account the child’s age, temperament, and individual needs. Building a strong and trusting parent-child relationship is crucial in addressing difficult behaviors effectively.

Having said that, there are some universal principles that you might consider applying to all kinds of interactions with your child. These are listed below, using the acronym “PAUSE,” which stands for:

Pause
Analyze
Understand
Self-reflect
Engage

Pause: The famous psychiatrist Viktor E Frankl said, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” This statement is specifically applicable to parenting. Whenever you encounter a challenging behavior, pause before you react. Taking a deep breath will help you regulate your emotions.

Self-regulation of emotions by a parent often leads to coregulation of children. When you demonstrate self-regulation skills, they serve as role models for your child. You can model self-regulation by displaying calmness, adaptability, and effective coping strategies in challenging situations. Your behavior can inspire and influence your child to develop their own self-regulation skills.

For example, if your teenager starts arguing with you about something, instead of reacting with anger or irritation, pause for a moment and take a deep breath. Respond with an open-ended question like, “Can you tell me a bit more about your perspective?” Open-ended questions can open the door to rich and deep communication, thereby strengthening your bond with your child, and creating a safe space for your child to be more expressive and authentic.

Analyze: When you take a pause, you can use the time to analyze the situation from different dimensions, consider other perspectives and opinions, and hear what is being said along with the feelings underlying the words. At this stage, also notice your own thoughts and emotions. For example, if your toddler is having a tantrum about going to school, it is natural to feel overwhelmed, frustrated, or anxious. In all likelihood, your child is feeling these very emotions, too. It might be helpful to analyze the real reasons behind this resistance to school. Talking to a toddler might not get you the answers you seek, but you might want to calm your child down with a hug and some coordinated deep breathing together, instead of forcing compliance. You might eventually need to speak with the teacher or school principal to better understand the underlying reasons behind your child’s school refusal.

Understand: Often, when we analyze a situation, we examine and evaluate various aspects of the situation to gain a deeper understanding. This in turn gives us the power to identify key elements, recognize patterns, and make informed decisions. Continuing from the above example, you might discover something specific that is causing your child to resist going to school. The reason may be anything, from being bullied to experiencing separation anxiety. Once you identify the root cause for the difficult behavior, you will be much better equipped to deal with it.

Self-reflect: Spend a few moments to think about the best way to handle the situation. Having paused, analyzed the situation, understood your child’s viewpoint, and noticed your own thoughts and emotions, you would now be in a much better space to frame an effective response, which might be an open-ended question to encourage further communication and sharing, or it might be a hug to calm an overwhelmed toddler. It might even be some time-out to reflect on something your adolescent child has shared. Exercise the power of choice that you have in selecting the most effective response in that moment.

Engage: The final step of the process would be to engage in a conversation, creating a secure and supportive environment. Such an environment is crucial for coregulation to occur. When individuals feel safe, accepted, and understood, they are more likely to engage in effective coregulation with others. For example, if you catch your child in a lie, or happen to find them engaging in unacceptable behaviors like watching pornography, instead of taking the confrontational, argumentative, or authoritarian (top-down) approach, you might want to consider inviting your child to have a conversation with you. The most critical aspect of engaging in a conversation with your child is your willingness to listen more and talk less.

Provide a safe space for your child to speak honestly. Encourage openness and authenticity by being willing to listen attentively to your child without interrupting, and appreciate their truthfulness. Even when your child has confessed to doing something wrong, make sure you separate the deed from the doer. Keep things in perspective at all times and be unconditionally accepting of your child. Convey to your child that you may object to a specific behavior, but you love them regardless of that. Above all, work on accepting your child unconditionally, and communicate this clearly.

In conclusion, effective parenting is a multifaceted journey that requires understanding, patience, and continuous learning. Throughout this article, we have explored various aspects of parenting, from understanding challenging behaviors to parental responses and their impact on children. By recognizing the significance of child behavior, understanding the impact of parental responses, and prioritizing self-regulation and coregulation, you can navigate the challenges of parenting with confidence, empathy, and a deep commitment to your child’s well-being. This way, you can create a nurturing environment that supports your child’s growth, development, and overall happiness.

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