Parenting

My 11-year-old daughter is very talkative at home. But outside she is very shy. Every time I can't help her. What do I do about this? Please help.

Answered by Team ParentCircle

Dear Parent,

I can understand how bad you must have felt. Your daughter’s shyness in front of others, however, has nothing to do with the skill of assertiveness, which she seems to lack. You could help your daughter build assertiveness and stand up for herself in the following ways:

·Use everyday moments to talk about friendships and what they entail. For example, friendships should be characterized by mutual respect and not coercion. Talk about how it’s not okay to force someone to do things they are not comfortable with, or to use physical violence, even if you have a conflict with someone.

·Talk about boundaries with your child (such as physical boundaries, emotional boundaries, social boundaries, etc.). An example of emotional boundaries is that if someone is teasing your child, calling her names, she has a right to speak up about how it makes her feel. If the peer keeps doing it, your child has the right to stop being friends with that person.

·Play the ‘What if?’ game. Discuss with your daughter some possible peer conflict situations.  Ask her what she would do in such situations. Role-play the things she could say and do. This will equip your daughter with tools she can use if an actual situation arises without having to think on her feet about what to do.

·Respect her feelings at home. It is important that your child’s words are respected at home. This does not mean giving her her way. It means acknowledging her feelings (even if they are negative feelings) and let her know you are listening. This will help her build confidence and self-esteem. Tell her that you appreciate her speaking her mind, even though she disagrees with you.

·Encourage extracurricular activities that involve team-building exercises, such as sport or involvement in girls scouts or other clubs—they are an excellent way to build confidence and exercise assertiveness.

·And of course, model assertiveness yourself! Be mindful of how you interact with family and friends. There is a big difference between being assertive and being rude. For example, when you make a customer service call, maintain a polite but direct tone. If you say ‘no’ to someone, stick to your word. Make sure your child sees you modeling what you are teaching by holding your ground and sticking to your word, especially with those who violate your boundaries. All the best!

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