Essential Keys To Building Resilience In Your Child For A Confident And Positive Future

The winds have changed. Our lives have turned topsy-turvy as the coronavirus is marching across the globe, seemingly unchecked. The only way to stop it in its tracks, it seems, is for us to hunker down and stay home, and maintain social distancing. And none of these come naturally to us, more so to our children. Besides, most parents are working from home and children are home-schooling. We don't know what to expect next and if and when this madness will end.

Just as we experience anxiety and stress, our children too are navigating their own complex emotions. When they are exposed to a constant stream of unsettling news, and when they sense our feelings of uncertainty. This period can be challenging and potentially traumatic for them. While some amount of frustration is understandable, our children mustn’t get caught up in the negativity. It could have lasting effects. Instead, they must learn to face challenges with resilience and optimism. By helping our children develop this resilience, we can ensure they grow up to be healthy, confident, and well-adjusted adults.

What is resilience?

Resilience is the ability of a person to get up and bounce forward despite:

• Setbacks
• Failures
• Challenges
• Crises
• Trauma

Research tells us that although children experience the same risks and stresses, each child responds or reacts differently to the situation. Some children are negatively impacted by these situations, while others are more resilient. Resilient children cope with failure and adversity. They adapt successfully to the environment and learn to move forward, are emotionally strong, and less prone to stress, anxiety, and mental disorders.

Keys to building resilience

Some children are genetically more resilient, but all children can learn and grow to be resilient. Research shows that when children grow up in a caring, nurturing environment, they will build resilience. The following keys can turn on resilience in your child:

• Secure Attachment
• Community Support
• Emotional Strength
• Positive Mindset

Here's what you, as a parent, can do to give your child these four keys to resilience.

Secure Attachment

According to the Harvard University Center on the Developing Child, the single most common factor for children who develop resilience is at least one stable and committed relationship with a supportive parent, caregiver, or other adult. In other words, your child needs to develop a secure attachment with at least one parent, caregiver, or adult. When your child feels secure with you, they have the confidence that they can come to you anytime for anything and you will be there to support them. This will help them face adversities with resilience.

I recently had the privilege of meeting and interacting with Dr Dan Siegel, author of The Whole-Brain Child and one of the most respected parenting experts in the world. Dr Siegel believes that to have a secure attachment with you, your child needs to:

1. Be Seen

Your child needs you to be present, to tune in to their emotions, and to share in their experiences.

• When your child is telling you something, stop and pay attention. Look them in the eye and listen without jumping to judgment.
• Observe your child's facial expression, body language, and tone of voice. Notice changes in behavior to understand if your child is sad, angry, frustrated, or happy. You can always say, "I see something is upsetting you. Would you like to talk about it?"
• Have open conversations with your child on different topics. This will help you understand your child's views and thoughts, and in turn, they too will know how you think and what your expectations are.

2. Be Soothed

When your child is having a hard time, they need you to comfort them.

• Empathize with your child. If your child is hurt and in pain, you could say, "Oh, that must really hurt. Let's see how to make you feel better. I know you really miss your friends and are disappointed you can't play with them."
• Give a comforting hug. If your child is upset and crying, often all they need is your caring hug.

3. Feel Safe

Your child needs to know you will protect them and keep them safe at all times. They should feel emotionally safe around you.

• Agree on limits. Let your child know what is expected of them and how they should behave. "I expect you to turn off the TV by 8 p.m." It makes them feel safe.
• Acknowledge your child's feelings. If your child is anxious or frightened, don't brush aside their feelings by saying, "Oh, there is nothing to worry about" or "You are a big boy now". Instead, empathize and say, "Yes, I know that is scary".
• Reassure your child. Be open and answer all your child's questions about the situation. Let your child know you are doing your best to keep everyone safe.

Community Support

According to the Harvard University Center on the Developing Child, children who do well in the face of serious hardship typically have a biological resistance to adversity and strong relationships with the important adults in their family and community. The core building blocks of resilience are cemented when your child knows:

• They occupy a significant place in others' lives
• They have relationships that make them feel wanted
• That others value them for who they are
• They feel accepted despite their differences

Here's what you can do to help your child build good community connections:

1. Supportive relationships

During this period of lockdown, social distancing does not mean emotional distancing. Even if your child can't meet people in person, they can connect virtually with:

• Family and friends encourage your child to connect and interact with grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, and friends.
• Teachers, coaches, and mentors can also be very supportive and offer encouragement to your child.
• Peer support and relationships go a long way in helping your child feel more confident. Encourage good friendships.

2. Sense of belonging

When your child is part of a group, be it family, friends, or a religious one, they have a sense of belonging. They feel connected to others and this motivates them to bounce forward from obstacles.

• Encourage your child to join team sports, or group activities like drama or choir, or group projects.
• Children can collaborate to do projects, create music together, play games, and more.
• Join your child in spiritual classes.

3. Feeling valued and accepted

If your child feels that their parents and others around them accept them for who they are and they value what they do, they build confidence and resilience.

• Appreciate the effort your child puts into whatever they do.
• Let them know you love them just the way they are.
• Encourage them to help others. It will make them feel valued.
• When you are upset with your child's behavior, let them know that it is the behavior that is upsetting you, not them. Avoid saying, "You are a bad boy" or "You are making me mad". Instead say, "When you hit your sister, that was bad behavior" or "I get mad when you lie to me". Use 'I' statements instead of saying, "You... "

Emotional Strength

Helping them build emotional strength will allow them to tide over any trying period and emerge stronger.

1. Self-regulation

When a child can manage their emotions and respond in socially acceptable ways, they will be able to bounce forward from distressing situations.

• Try to keep your cool during distressing situations. Your child will learn from you how to handle their emotions.
• Help your child name their emotions. When your child is upset, angry, or frustrated, empathize with your child. "You must be so disappointed you can't go play football with your friends today because of the rain."
• If your child needs to cry, allow them. It will help empty their difficult emotions and will give them a sense of relief once they are done. Just be there to reassure them. "It's okay, I understand, I know it's hard."

2. Calming tools

Give your child tools that will help them calm their emotions. This will help your child think more clearly.

• Taking slow deep breaths
• A pillow to punch, blowing bubbles, jumping or running around the house
• Hugging a favorite teddy bear, sitting quietly in a comfortable spot
• Screaming, shouting it out
• Tearing paper, or squishing playdough

3. Ability to cope

Your child is probably dealing with a lot of stress during these trying times, though they may not express it. Here's what you can do to relieve some of that stress.

• Ensure good sleep and nutrition. A rested, healthy mind has more energy to bounce forward.
• Encourage your child to talk out their feelings. If they are reluctant to open up, start sharing some of your feelings. They will understand they are not alone in the way they feel and are more likely to open up. Answer any questions they may have.
• For younger children, playing it out is a great way to help them cope with their difficult emotions. Your child may become the superhero who slays the wicked dragon, or they may be the doctor who helps sick people. As you observe your child play and talk, you will be able to understand their thinking and emotions. Make sure you do not intervene and interrupt their play unless you are invited to join in.

Positive Mindset

Having the right mindset can help your child overcome any challenges and bounce back.

When your child may feel the world is collapsing around them, they may feel a loss of control. But you can help them shift their mindset and understand that this too shall pass and there are many more happy times to look forward to.

1. I CAN attitude

Today, children are dealing with many challenging situations. Under frustrating situations, if your child thinks, "Yes, I can," you know they will be willing to push ahead. Here's how you can help your child develop an I CAN attitude:

• Encourage problem-solving and decision-making. Let your child plan their class schedules and activities. For younger children, guide them in putting together the plan.
• If your child is older, involve them in making family decisions such as how much food to stock up, how to help parents get their office work done, etc.
• Offer praise and appreciation for your child's effort. "Thank you for helping me clean the dishes", "Thank you for finishing all your homework."
• Involve your child in chores around the house, based on your child's age.
• Break up complex tasks into smaller ones so your child achieves little successes. For example, if your child is trying to build a tower with 10 blocks, they can first build a tower with 5 blocks and then try building a taller tower.
• Your child should know that if they can't do something yet, they can always learn and grow. So encourage your child to keep exploring and learning. For example, let's suppose your child is frustrated she can't play the violin like her older sibling. Instead of saying, "Look at your older brother, see how well he plays the violin," remind her that she may not be able to do it yet, but with practice, she will get better.

2. Dealing with failures

How your child handles failures can either lift them or sink them. If your child feels that failures are the end, they are truly failing themselves. But if they learn from their failures and move ahead, then they are on their way to success. It's like a toddler learning to walk, they get up and keep going every time they fall.

• Let your child know that there is no such thing as perfect. Everybody messes up sometimes.
• If your child makes a mistake, don't shame or belittle them. Instead, discuss what happened and what can be done differently. Encourage them to keep trying till they get it. For example, if they messed up their maths paper, ask them what happened. Were they just careless? Did they not understand a concept? What do they need to do to improve?
• Encourage exploration and experimentation. Cooking new foods? Let them experiment with different ingredients and different ways of cooking. For example, what happens if you bake dosa mix?
• Talk about famous experiments gone wrong that led to discoveries such as X-rays, cornflakes, chocolate chip cookies, and more.
• Share stories of those who achieved success despite setbacks and failures. Examples include Amitabh Bachchan, who was rejected by All India Radio, and Arunima Sinha, an amputee who climbed Mount Everest. Here is an interview with Arunima Sinha for more inspiration: https://www.parentcircle.com/interview-with-mountain-climber-arunima-sinha-inspirational-story/article

3. Think positive

It is so easy for your child to be overwhelmed by thoughts of worry now and then, "What if I fight with my friends again?" "What if my parents or I fall sick? and so on. How can you change these negative thoughts into positive ones? How can you make your child feel more optimistic?

• Ask your child to list out all the things that they are unhappy or worried about.
• Ask your child to make a list of all the things that they are thankful for and all the things they can look forward to.
• Which list is longer? How can they change the negative what ifs to positive what ifs? What if I can talk to my friends over a video call? What if we all take good care of ourselves?
• Prayer and belief in God gives hope and builds optimism. It gives your child confidence that they can accomplish what they want. Talk about your religion and set up a prayer routine for your child and family.

4. Purpose in life

When your child has a purpose in life, they will have something to look forward to, irrespective of adversity and challenges.

• Make a list of all the things your child loves to do. What can they do now to resolve a certain issue?
• Helping others gives one a sense of purpose. Encourage your child to help around the house. Can they buy groceries for an old neighbour and drop it off at their home, or just chat to make them feel happy?
• Talk about your child's dreams and ambitions. Just listen and dream along. Don't say things like, "Oh, that's not possible, if you want to do that, you better work hard."

Role modelling

More than your words, your actions have a greater impact on your child. Talk about your challenges (based on the age of the child), and how you handled them. If your child sees you handling various challenges in your life with resilience and positivity, they will learn from you.

As Elizabeth Edwards, American author says, "Resilience is accepting your new reality, even if it's less good than the one you had before. You can fight it, you can do nothing but scream about what you've lost, or you can accept that and try to put together something that's good." So, during this period of uncertainty, reflect on what you and your children can put together to make this a better, happier place for you and your family. Your chance to raise a resilient child is now.