A Parent’s Guide To Understanding Preteens: Their Changing Attitudes And Everyday Behaviors

Does your child's first 'double-digit' milestone birthday—the big 10, bring about a change in your attitude? Is the 'cute and cuddly' phase now replaced by new expectations of your child? Are these expectations entirely your own, or are they a reflection of what your parents expected of you?

As your child grows into a preteen (also known as preadolescence), they start displaying an ability to care for some of their needs independently. So, it is time for you to overhaul your roles and responsibilities. As you continue to nurture your child, you must now provide wider exposure and greater challenges, and consolidate healthy sleep and food habits that will prepare them well for the teen years.

You may notice changes in your preteen:

• Keeping small secrets from you.
• Keeping to themselves at times.
• Avoiding queries related to their routines or friends.
• Expecting you to listen without comments or advice.b
• Anticipating nonjudgmental responses when they confide in you.
• Trying to negotiate the norms of discipline, school, homework, family time, etc.
• Needing your support to launch themself into the outside world.
• Seeking security at home while trying to fit into their peer group.

Preadolescent behaviour

Over the years, as an educator, I have spent a considerable amount of time with preteens. I have interacted with them on a variety of topics. I have travelled with them on school trips to study history, geography, and the sciences, all the while trying to understand them. My long and intense interactions with preteens helped me learn a great deal about their behaviour.

Some of the typical characteristics I have observed in children aged 10-12 years are:

• A wide range of behaviours that may swing between the extremes.
• Talkative and friendly, but may be assertive to the point of being rude.
• Like to go to school and are happy to do a reasonable amount of homework.
• Good at memorizing facts.
• Curious and impulsive.
• Enjoy physical activities like swimming, running, climbing, jumping, and riding, but also get tired easily.
• Turn rebellious and argue or talk back
• Often hungry, both for food and new experiences.
• Resist tasks that are imposed on them and do not care much about the consequences.
• Have a sense of right and wrong, and can be reasoned with.
• Care for pets and siblings, hence, a great age to introduce them to activities like community service, where they can practice their empathy skills.
• Enjoy participating in group activities, forming clubs, exhibiting their skills to peers, and competing with them.

While these are a few general observations, while trying to understand your child, you must consider their temperament, your home and family environment, their friends in school and the neighbourhood, extra-curricular interests, social and emotional skills, health conditions, etc.

Cognitive development

As an educator, I have spent a lot of time in discussions with parents to try and understand what preteens go through.

The physical changes are accompanied by cognitive changes as well. There is an increased use of their thinking and reasoning skills, and learning from experiences.

• They develop the ability to understand the consequences of actions.
• They can abstractly conceive ideas of projects. They do not need to see or touch the material to plan how to use it.
• They can understand complex emotions and anticipate how you will react to what they may say or do.
• They can also explain or provide an excuse for their acts or even fabricate a cover-up story. To deal with such a scenario, you should have open interactions with your child, establish mutual trust, and be less judgmental with your words and actions. This will help your child develop the courage to be honest with you.

You need to come to terms with the fact that your child is now starting to think with more cognitive maturity. The mental changes happening in your child are a part of the process of 'identity formation.' At this time, your child is discovering new things about themself, self-analyzing their various roles and emotions, and reflecting on how to handle different situations in life. However, you might also observe contradictory behaviours, such as taking a long shower before participating in a save water campaign. Or spending hours texting their friends only to criticize a peer for indulging in gossip.

Understanding you

While you always make the effort to understand your child, it is also important that your child understands you. Here's a questionnaire to help you find out how well your child knows you (you can add more questions to this list as you think fit).

Be prepared for the most unexpected honest answers from your child, but it will give you an idea about how much your child knows and understands you. This exercise might also encourage your child to create a similar questionnaire about themselves and ask you to answer the questions. You may discover more about them than you already know.

Suggested readings

'Your Ten-to Fourteen-Year-Old' by Louise Bates Ames, Frances L. Ilg, and Sidney M Baker is a good book to start with. In this book, the writers present their observations, consultations, and discussions with parents. You may also read 'Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child' by John Gottman. These books will help you learn the behaviour patterns of preteens. And being informed will help you take appropriate steps toward building a great relationship with your child.