Recently I found out that my 13 year old son had a pack of cigarettes in his bag. On asking him he said that his friends had forced him to buy it from them and give them cash. I am very sad and disappointed. I am clueless about how to handle this issue!
@Anonymous Being in good company is extremely important. Since you know your child and if what he is saying is true, then, those kids cannot be called his 'friends'. Did they bully or intimidate him to buy it ? try to find out more about what really happened and what is going on. Unfortunately this group of kids seems to be heading for trouble and the sad news is that theses bullies will have supporters, who will listen to them and respect them out of fear or whatever reason, and your child will never be able to please all of them. Please tell him that it is ok to be different from them. There is no need to buy or use anything just to please this group of kids or belong in that group. He can find better friends and he doesn't need these kind of people in his life. Also educate him about the harmful effects of smoking and tell him that smoking is something that you don't believe in or do. He should take decisions that are good for him, his family, and everybody in general. Highlight his strong points and good behavior and tell him that he has made you proud several times and you hope he continues that all his life. Good Luck.
@Anonymous Dear parent, I can imagine how worried you must be about this. There are a few issues here: 1) is your teen smoking-in which case is it due to peer pressure? and 2) is he telling the truth- was he indeed forced to buy the cigarettes, which means he lacks assertiveness or is he telling lies to cover up his own smoking? The best way to find out what’s really going on is to have regular ongoing conversations with your son. Be cued into his life, talk to him daily (not just asking him questions but also sharing about your own day), and ensure that when he does share something (even if you don’t approve of it) resist the urge to scold or lecture him. Adolescents are only put off and pushed away by adults who are judgmental. You could also invite your son’s friends home and have friendly conversations to get to know them better. This isn’t to say that you should encourage the activities you know are harmful or undesirable. You can and should pass on your own values to him in a way that doesn’t sound preachy. Specifically, with regard to smoking, it’s possible that your son does lack assertiveness skills to be able to say no to his friends (whether to actually smoke himself or to buy the cigarettes). In this case, you should teach him how he can stand up for himself, despite pressure from his friends. Use everyday moments to talk about friendships and what they entail. For example, friendships should be characterized by mutual respect and not coercion. Talk about how it’s not okay to force someone to do things they are not comfortable with, no matter how much fun it may seem to you. Also, play the ‘What if?’ game. Discuss with your son some possible peer pressure situations. Ask him what he would do in such situations. This will equip your son with tools he can use if an actual situation arises without having to think his feet about what to do.
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@Anonymous As a parent we all come across some verbal speed bumps when it comes to talking to children especially teens about sex. But it’s better for you to answer her than let her find the answers for herself. Remember that talking about sex with your teen isn’t a one-time exchange. Admit your discomfort and stay calm,” you can begin by saying “this is going to be awkward but we need to talk about it anyway as it is an important health and safety issue.” Ask her what she thinks about sex. You can elaborate on what she says to answer her. Try to be open and honest with your teen about pretty much everything, in an age-appropriate way, of course. During the discussion try talking about puberty, the physical changes, good touch and bad touch. Give her freedom to express her views and ask questions by staying calm. Try using this is an opportunity to infuse her with values you’d like her to embrace — and to create a foundation for future discussions about more complex topics.
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@Sabrina Fernando Thank you, I think this helps. I will try your suggestion.
@Anonymous At 11 she is too young. She must be confused and probably needs answers to all the doubts in her mind . ( It takes a lifetime to understand God,religion, and everything related to this subject. Her views can change) Actually all of us when we were kids wondered about things like prayers, rituals, ceremonies etc., Elders answered our questions to the best of their ability. Sometimes the answers lead to more questions. Yet, we follow what our elders did because we believe and trust them and participate in the celebration. Make sure you involve your daughter in prayers, poojas, visits to religious places like temples, churches, discourses etc., There are plenty of books that she can read about religion and spiritual topics but for a start, reading comics about mythological stories and about great saints /people is a great way to slowly change her outlook. Also,involve other elders in the family whom she likes, to answer her doubts and questions. Hope this helps.
Middle School Parents
Changes in Adolescence
Why is my teen going through so many changes? How can I support my teen? How do I stay calm within myself? Ask all your questions and get answers from fellow parents and experts!Team ParentCircle
Mar 28, 2019